I want to talk about something that is a little bit controversial. When I say controversial,
I mean that if there are females who are listening to this podcast episode, they... I feel might
disagree. Although I feel like I'm going to have a pretty good argument here. I also feel
like even some guys might disagree. And it is a polarizing stance on the idea of vulnerability,
being vulnerable with women, and being vulnerable in general. That's what we're talking about today.
The idea of vulnerability, this buzzword that has been around for the past 10 years.
Women are preaching to men "be vulnerable". It's funny, people would probably think that
this episode is the idea of toxic masculinity, but I think it's actually toxic that women are
preaching for men to be more vulnerable around women. It's extremely toxic because it is giving
them the exact opposite advice of what works in terms of attraction. Let's dive in. Let's
talk about vulnerability. Vulnerability. Let's do something fun, let's look up what the vulnerable
definition is. Vulnerability, susceptible to physical or emotional attack or harm. That's
interesting. Another one is, and this is what we're talking about here in need of special care,
support or protection because of age, disability, or risk of abuse or neglect.
So in need of special care support. A man who had been vulnerable to a woman or a woman who's being
vulnerable to a man is someone who needs help is in need of support, usually emotional support.
And when I mean emotional support, I mean that's what we're talking about here today
in terms of when women are saying men should be more vulnerable and show their emotions and
all that good stuff. Let's talk about this for a second. First let's break down the idea of what
attraction is and what women are attracted to. And I know that this might seem so confusing to guys.
That's why I wanted to do this episode because you guys are hearing the exact opposite stuff. You're
hearing... when I say the exact opposite stuff, I mean the exact opposite of what I'm saying today.
You're hearing from women, "men are so sexy when they're vulnerable. Men are so sexy when they show
their emotions." I actually do believe that. I do believe that if a man shows vulnerability, like
one or two times maybe that there might be this slight, (by the way, not this insane attraction)
a slight bit of attraction where the girl is like, oh wow, he can also be a little bit vulnerable.
I think that if it happens one or two times, maybe that is true. There is this little bit of
connection or attraction that a woman might feel. Let's compare that by the way to a man with,
let's say, broad shoulders who's chopping wood and taking care of business. I think that that
picture that I just described there versus man on the couch crying... I would say that a woman
is going to be significantly more attracted to that one. The one of pure raw masculinity.
Let's just say that. Now back to what I was saying a second ago... attraction. Attraction happens
when a woman feels a spike of emotions. And usually this is coming from when a man is
displaying his masculine traits. That is when attraction happens. And I think most people can
can agree with that. I don't think there's anyone out there who would think that that's
something that isn't the way of attraction. I think that's what happens. When a man sees a woman
and he's attracted to her, it's because of her feminine traits. When a woman
is attracted to a man, it's because of his masculine traits. But then all of a sudden, all
this vulnerability stuff came about. I don't know where it came from. I don't know how it happened.
There's a lot of theories, I don't know. Maybe because
our parents, the baby boomers softened up and taught the kids to be more soft, I don't know,
whatever it is, I don't want to get into that because I don't have much information. I just
want to talk about the facts of how this all works in terms of attraction to help you. So
whatever the reason is, it's popular, it's talked about. Women are saying to men be more vulnerable.
And what's happening is when you hear that advice, let's break this down. When you hear the advice,
be more vulnerable, what are you going to do? Well, you're going to try to do that. Let's just
assume you are listening to that advice and it's from a woman and she's telling you because she's
telling you how attraction works because it's her experience so all of a sudden you're like,
I'm going to do it, I'm going to be more vulnerable. You start to cry in front of your
significant other. You start to talk about your emotions all of the time. You end up
talking about any emotion that comes up, whether it be depression, or anxiety, or frustration or
anger, and you're just metaphorically vomiting all these emotions on the woman because you're like,
hey women think it's sexy being vulnerable. That's what vulnerability is according to our dictionary
here. I'm reading it right now, in need of special care and support. You become this needy, weak
person. That is what you are displaying. I mean, let's be honest. If someone is consistently
vulnerable, it is a weakness. I don't think anyone could argue with that either. Someone who's
vulnerable consistently is weak. Now I know what people might say. This is where the interesting
part comes in. A woman might say to that, "well, of course you shouldn't always be vulnerable.
Or you're always talking about your emotions, or you're always doing that.
Then yeah, of course, that's going to be unattractive." And I can imagine the other side,
the women saying something like that. "Well, yeah that's too much. You can't be consistently
vulnerable or needy. A woman's not gonna like that." Then my question back to a woman,
or anyone else, a man, whatever – anyone else who's fighting for the vulnerability movement...
That's a funny sentence there, vulnerability movement. But that's what it seems to be.
Anyone on the side of the vulnerability movement might say, "well, you just want to be vulnerable
once in a while." What's vulnerable once in a while? Is that once a week? Is that every
other day? Is it once a month? Is it once a year? And of course, who the fuck knows? No one knows
the answer to that. You'd just be guessing. Like "you should be vulnerable once a week."
Huh? What? That's not advice. That's not practical advice. Good advice, which I
do my absolute best and I think I'm pretty good at it here on the podcast and everything else,
is to make it practical because what's advice if you can't use it? What's the point of getting
advice if you can't get results from it? If we're just talking about once a week,
every other day, whatever it may be, you can't do anything with that. But what are you going to do,
just pick? Like "okay it's Tuesday. Last Tuesday, I was vulnerable. Let
me sit down with my girlfriend or the girl I'm dating and let's talk about emotions."
Or should we do it once a week? To me once a week seems like a lot. That's a lot to be showing...
I don't know if we call it feminine qualities, maybe feminine qualities,
but not masculine qualities. That's why to get to a point here, it's like, "what are we
supposed to do Tripp?" That's why I say just never be vulnerable. Never be puking out your
emotions. And the reason why I say never is because that's practical advice.
Because it's something that you can use. You could use that. I'm not saying it's easy,
but you can use it because you're not sitting here thinking, "it's been one week ago since, or two
months ago." You're not thinking that, you're just like, "oh, that's the rule. Let's not do this."
Now, here's the thing. This is where feminists might come in... even though, it's funny,
I'm considered a feminist. I mean, most people are just because they believe in the equality
of women. But these third wave feminists, they'll come in, and they'll say something to the degree
of, "well, this is the problem, toxic masculinity. Men never showing their emotions. Suicide rates
are up." And... and by the way, I agree with that. That's right. I have heard from statistics that
suicide rates across men are up. I don't even know if it was up or they're higher than women,
whatever it may be. I'm not arguing for that side, but that's things I've heard. That is dangerous,
that is dangerous when a man can't show his emotions. And this is what I'm trying
to say here... I never ever say, "don't ever show your emotions ever to anyone."
What I'm saying, as a dating coach to help you get results in your dating life,
is that you should not be showing your emotions to your girlfriend or your wife.
And I'll get more specific on what that means in a second because that is vague advice as well.
But before we get to that, just what I'm saying here is you should not be showing your emotions to
the woman who you are having a sexual relationship with. If you want your sexual relationship and
your sexual attraction to die... vulnerability would be the answer. The answer is, don't do it at
all and when you need to... and here's the point here... you don't need to hold in your emotions.
You have your male friends for that, you have your family for that, you have a coach for that.
I get very vulnerable with my clients. My clients get very vulnerable with me,
fantastic. They should. They have therapists for that, they have psychiatrists for that.
There's a lot of people that are going to be there for you in your vulnerable stages. And I
encourage you guys to use those resources. It is very unhealthy to hold in your emotions.
It is very healthy not to process what's going on. Because it can cause more anxiety,
more depression, and then what's good in that? That's not going to help you as a
human. That's not gonna help you in this world. The answer is, don't go to women to be vulnerable.
When I say to you "never do it" obviously, that's a hard thing to do, to not show
emotions, anxieties, sadness to your partner. You're gonna slip and that's okay,
that's fine. You're not going to bat 100%, it's not possible. I don't bat 100% in my
relationship with that. There are times when I do show my vulnerability. And that's because
we are human and we make mistakes. But you're still going to be okay. See, once I say to you,
"be vulnerable..." it's such a weird advice... "you should be vulnerable once a week,
twice a week, once a month" or whatever it is, it just becomes ridiculous. It's like, you'll already
naturally do that and it will be fine. Life happens, stress happens, your emotions will show.
Now to get more specific on the emotions. I don't mean you walk around like a robot.
It's okay every once in a while to feel anger, it's okay every once in a while
to feel these things. That's fine. You might have a day at work that was so tough on you,
so tough on you. By the way, if you're having consistent days of work that are so tough on you,
I would get a new job. Obviously that's not a good job for you. But life happens. I have stressful
days at work and I show it. I'm wearing it on my sleeve that day because it was an intense day.
That happens from time to time. But what I'm not going to do is sit there and just blah,
vomit out all these emotions and stuff. It's like, I know that's not attractive.
And also, there is something to be said about dealing with your emotions, about saying "I'm not
going to sit here and pout all day. I'm going to do something about it." It's not about necessarily
holding it in. It's about solving the problem for yourself. How do I feel less anxious? How do I get
to the point where I can feel less depressed? But I wouldn't be talking to your girlfriend or wife
about it. And now a lot of guys, I know they've said to me, and I'm sure some of you are thinking
this... it's like, "well, I want to do that. I want to I want to be able to have that kind
of relationship." Let me tell you something... I have a relationship with my girlfriend and there
is plenty to talk about and plenty to do without me being vulnerable all the time. It's like,
people think, "oh, vulnerability is like that's the way you connect with someone." I don't know
about that. I don't know about that. I think that you can connect with someone
beyond having to show deep rooted emotions. And again, I'm not saying be a robot.
You can show emotions. But when it comes down to you showing any weakness, women will be
un-attracted to that. "This guy's anxious all the time. This guy's depressed all the time."
They're not going to be attracted to that. And any woman who's saying that they would be is lying.
They're lying because they're just trying to prove their point. It's just not true. They will not
be attracted to someone who's consistently emotional. That's why you want to do it...
I mean, never. But of course, it's just going to happen. It's going to come out from time
to time. And there's other ways that you can connect. It's okay.... again, I will try to get
very specific here so you understand because it's okay to... for example, I tell guys to get my book
Magnetic and inside Magnetic... I'm actually opening up the book right now, there's a chapter
called "The 36 Questions That Make A Woman Fall In Love With You". And it's 36 questions
that was done in a study where people ask the questions, answered them, and some people fell in
love – one couple actually got married. I tell you specifically to take these questions and ask them.
And they're vulnerable questions. But they're not questions that's gonna make you look weak
or like you don't have your life together. This is a way to connect with someone without being
vulnerable. Here's some questions in here. What is your most treasured memory? And you might say,
"oh man, the best time in my life was this one time bla bla bla." And those are emotions, that's
fine. That's fine to talk about that stuff. Let's see here. I'm trying to look at some ones that are
a little bit more towards the negative. Share with your partner an embarrassing moment in your life.
That's fine, that is technically being vulnerable. But talking about a time that you were embarrassed
is not going to kill attraction. It's a way where you guys will connect with each other.
Here's one okay. Here's an example of a pretty intense one. Number 24 is how do you feel about
your relationship with your mother? Here's the thing, there's different ways to go about this.
Let's make this binary. You either have a great relationship with your mom or
not so great. And if you say it's great, then great and that's pretty nice. But let's say
you don't have a good relationship with your mom. Well there's a way to answer that. You could say
it in the vulnerable weak way, which is, "yeah, I have a bad relationship with my mom, it causes me
a lot of anxiety, it's caused problems in past relationships. I just don't like love my mom.
I don't respect my mom. And it's a disaster and I'm still trying to get work and help with it."
It's like oh man, that's a little intense. I don't think we can call that as sexy. But how about this
answer? How about this answer if you're going to these questions with a woman and connecting? And I
don't have... and again, this is just an example of someone who doesn't have a good relationship
with their mom. "Yeah, I don't have the best relationship with my mom. We haven't talked in
a couple years, but I've been through therapy and I've gotten it handled. And it's been tough
throughout my life, but it's something I've been able to manage and I've come out a lot stronger
on the other side because of it." You see the difference there? It's like, that is going to be
attractive – a person who has it all together, who is capable of handling it. And if you don't have
it handled, well first of all, it's not good for your life, and it's not going to be attractive.
That's just how it works. Think about the most unattractive trait that you could think of in a
woman, whatever that may be to you. For everyone, it can be a little bit different. Think about what
that is. And what if I said, "just go and date a woman who has that unattractive trait and just
deal with it"? You're not going to be able to deal with it. It's interesting how women are
spitting this out, it's toxic, and it's terrible for men because they're saying be vulnerable and
men are being vulnerable and guess what? They're coming off weak to their women. And the women are
un-attracted. They are literally giving them the exact advice that they need to un-attract a woman.