Last night, the president delivered
his second State of the Union address,
telling the nation where it stands
and where he plans to take it.
And if you watched all seven hours of the speech,
you'll know there wasn't anything memorable.
In fact, the only thing from this speech
that will live on is this viral photo
of Nancy Pelosi sarcastically clapping in Trump's face.
(laughter)
Which is the most amazing moment from the speech.
(cheers and applause)
Isn't it amazing how the meaning of a clap changes
just by slightly adjusting the angle of your hands?
Yeah, because if someone claps like this,
it means well done. You did a good job.
But if someone claps like this, it means,
(whiny voice): "Wow, great job.”
(normal voice): And then if someone claps like this,
it means you're about to get your ass beat.
That's what that means.
(laughter)
A lot of white people are like, "is that what that is?
Yeah, run.
You see this, you run.
And for me, the person I enjoyed most last night
wasn't Donald Trump, it was Josh Trump.
He's the cute kid who the president invited
because he gets bullied for his last name.
But it turns out he fell asleep during Trump's speech.
(laughter)
Oh, man. The Donald must have been so hurt.
He'd be like, (mimics Trump): "How could you, Josh?
I spent minutes writing this speech."
(normal voice): But for those who could stay awake
for the speech, the reviews were mixed.
Tonight, we heard from the president
of the United States what was one of the most
single most-inspiring challenges to the country.
This was probably the worst-delivered speech
-I've heard Donald Trump give. -I thought he hit a home run.
I saw this as a psychotically incoherent speech
with cookies and dog poop.
It was the best speech my father has ever given tonight,
"it was the best speech my father has ever given.”
Yeah, I mean, to be fair, your father is Donald Trump.
So saying it's his best speech is a pretty low bar.
It's like saying, "That was the best 7-Eleven sushi
"I've ever had.
The salmon was just the right shade of gray. Yeah.”
And by the way, I love how all
the Trump boys are growing beards.
Yeah, it's a nice little touch.
It's probably so that when Mueller comes for them
they'll be like, "Eric? Who's Eric?
I'm Gandalf Trump."
But enough about that boring-ass speech, man.
Let's talk about the Democrats.
Many of them are preparing to take on Trump
in the 2020 presidential race.
And look at all those faces, huh?
This is gonna be a tough race, people, a really tough race.
So let's check in on the latest developments
in our ongoing segment World War D.
♪ ♪
(cheers and applause)
Over the weekend, New Jersey senator Cory Booker became
the latest Democrat to jump into the race.
And one thing that sets Booker apart
is that unlike every president going back 150 years,
he's not married.
Although, now, he says that could change.
U.S. senator and 2020 presidential hopeful,
Cory Booker, confirmed he has a girlfriend,
during a radio appearance yesterday.
The rumor mill has the New Jersey Democrat
supposedly dating actress Rosario Dawson.
Neither of them have confirmed the relationship.
If Booker wins the 2020 election,
he'd be the third bachelor ever elected to the White House.
Before I declare president,
I-I'm dating somebody, uh, that's really special.
-Oh. So Cory Booker got a boo. -Yeah. I-I got a boo.
WOMAN: You must not read the blog, Charlamagne.
Wow. Cory Booker has a boo.
Who is she, and also, who still says "boo.”?
Like, how old are these guys?
What are you doing, Charlamagne?
Everyone knows that "boo" was replaced by "bae," all right?
And eventually, "bae" will be replaced by "ba-bim-bop."
Okay? That's how it works.
(laughter)
I'll be honest. I hope Cory's relationship lasts.
But at the same time, I do think it would be really dope
to have a single president.
Yeah, saves taxpayer money,
no first lady, depressing Christmases.
It's gonna be fun, although, I don't know
if America wants to invite foreign dignitaries
to a White House where a single guy lives.
Like the Japanese prime minister will walk in like,
(with Japanese accent): "Is there a chair I can sit on?"
(normal voice): He'll be like, "Oh, my bad, man.
"Just push the clothes onto the floor.
Just push the clothes down. You can sit anywhere."
Plus, I don't know if you want the president dealing
with dating issues while he's in office.
He'll be meeting with Putin like,
"President Putin, I have one question for you.
"This girl and I were messaging
"for, like, a week, and then she ghosted me.
Like, do you think I should drop her?” He'll be like,
(with Russian accent): "Try one more message, but be casual,
"something playful like, uh,
"'if you don't respond, I'll poison your family.'
"You know? Yes. Winky face.
"Always use winky face, because that way they know
"you might be joking, but could also be serious.
One eye, fun time, other eye closed."
Although, I mean, let's be honest, it would be probably
hard to ghost someone who controls the NSA.
Be the creepiest President boyfriend ever.
"Girl, I know you out there. Your data usage was up 14
percent this week."
(normal voice): Now, even though there's already
200 Democrats running for president,
there are still a few big names who haven't announced yet,
and yesterday, one of those big names
gave an update about his thinking.
REPORTER: Former congressman Beto O'Rourke
teasing a possible run for the White House.
He told Oprah during the taping of a TV special
that he'll make a decision by the end of the month
on whether he will run.
If I can play some role
in helping the country to do that,
-by God, I'm gonna do it. -Okay. Okay.
By God, when are you gonna know the answer?
(chuckles): Yeah.
A serious answer is really soon.
Um... it is-is really soon.
Before the end of this month.
No, Beto! We need to know now!
Time is running out.
There's only 21 months before the election!
Seriously, though, why does everyone
keep pressuring candidates to announce so early?
Like, people push these people into the race,
and then everyone wonders why the campaign lasts so long
and costs $50 billion.
Like, it's genuinely such an American thing.
Like, Americans are early for everything.
You line up for movie premieres hours in advance.
You wait overnight for the new iPhone.
You guys even show up to sporting events early,
and then you leave the game early
so that you can beat the traffic and get home early
'cause you got to get to work early.
Like, we don't do this in Africa. We don't care.
I remember one time I went to a sporting event,
I bent down to pick up something.
When I got up, all the white people were gone.
I was like, "What? What?"
Yeah, we're not trying to be early in Africa.
My mom just sent me a Christmas card yesterday...
for 2017.
We're chilled.
Oh, and here's another weird thing
about American campaigns: your candidates announce
that they're going to make an announcement.
And they always have to pretend that it's this big mystery.
Just listen to how Minnesota senator Amy Klobuchar
is trying to build the suspense.
We'll find out this weekend whether another Democrat
is jumping into the 2020 race for president.
Minnesota senator Amy Klobuchar
says that she will announce her decision
this Sunday in Minneapolis.
Come to Boom Island in Minneapolis.
And then you'll find out.
It's gonna be a little cold, 20 degrees.
Wear warm clothes.
Maybe have, you know, uh, little heat warmers with you.
But then you'll find out my decision.
We're gonna have hot chocolate, campfires.
Be there.
Okay, she... she's obviously running, right?
(laughter)
No, because if she isn't, this is super messed up.
Why would you drag everyone out
to some frozen island in Minnesota
to announce that you're not running for president?
Let me tell you something. If I haul my ass out there
and you're not running for president,
I'm gonna be like, "Uh, eff that.
"We're shutting this thing down.
"Nobody leaves this island
"until someone here runs for president.
"Gary, have you done blackface?
Then you're running for president. Come on."
But the biggest news from the Democratic race this week
isn't about the people who might run.
It's about a big name who's already in the race.
This morning, 2020 presidential hopeful Elizabeth Warren
is facing renewed backlash
over her claims of Native American ancestry.
The Washington Post obtaining her 1986 registration
for the State Bar of Texas,
in which she listed her race as American Indian.
I am sorry that I extended confusion
about tribal citizenship and tribal sovereignty
and for harm caused.
I am also sorry
for not being more mindful of this, uh, decades ago.
Goddamn. So over 30 years ago,
Elizabeth Warren said she was American Indian,
and almost every Virginia politician was in blackface.
Did nobody want to be white in the '80s?
And how many times
is Warren gonna keep getting busted for this?
Like, at some point, even Rachel Dolezal is gonna be like,
"Girl, enough already.
"You're making things harder for us real women of color.
Mm-hmm. Yes, child."
But I think this is pretty much what we can look forward to
for the next two years: campaigns launching,
candidates apologizing, resetting their campaigns,
apologizing again.
And by the end of it,
I think we're all gonna feel as exhausted as Josh.