>> A NEW COFFEE SHOP HAS OPENED IN BROOKLYN THAT WILL SELL AN
$18 CUP OF COFFEE, WHICH ONLY MAKES SENCE TO ME IF IT SERVED
WITH A SIDE OF $15 DAMN DOLLARS. [ LAUGHTER ]
AN AMERICAN WOMAN SET A NEW RECORD VISITING EVERY COUNTRY IN
THE WORLD IN 19 MONTHS. AFTER ALL THAT TRAVEL SHE FOUND
THE ONE THING THAT HAD BEEN INSIDE HER ALL ALONG.
ZIKA. >> A MASSACHUSETTS COUPLE WHOSE
SON WAS BORN DURING THE SUPER BOWL HAS NAMED HIM BRADY.
WHILE AN ATLANTA COUPLE WHOSE SON
WAS BORN DURING THE SUPER BOWL NAMED HIM, "SON OF A BITCH."
[ LAUGHTER ] >> VALENTINE'S DAY IS RIGHT
AROUND THE CORNER. SMOOTH TRANSITION.
HERE ARE SOME TIPS ON HOW TO MAKE IT A SPECIAL NIGHT, A GUY
WHO JUST BOUGHT A BOAT. >> HOW ARE YOU, MAN?
>> I'M GREAT. YOU ARE LOOKING VERY DAPPER,
MAN. TRES DAP.
THE DAP KING. DAP KING COLE.
[ LAUGHTER ] >> I'M JUST KIDDING, MAN.
DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY. EVERYBODY GETS A LITTLE.
SO, V-DAY. LET'S GET INTO IT.
FIRST OFF, YOU GOT TO GET THAT RES, DOG.
>> I'M SORRY, WHAT? >> SHORT FOR RESERVACHE'.
[ LAUGHTER ] A LOT OF PEEPS ARE GOING TO SAY
THAT ON V-DAY YOUR GIRL IS GOING TO WANT SOME SUSH' IN HER
BOOSH' -- [ LAUGHTER ]
BUT I BEG TO DIFF' YOU ARE GONNA WANT TO SPRING FOR A STEAK DIN'.
M'KAY, SOMETHING WITH BLOOD. [ LAUGHTER ]
ANYWHERE WITH A FIREPLACE, A COAT CHECK AND A LATER MAITRE D'
WITH ASS FOR DAYS. I HAVE A SMALL PENIS --
[ LAUGHTER ] UH --
ONCE YOU LOCKED DOWN THAT RES, IT'S ON TODAY DE FLEUR, AKA,
THAT'S FRENCH FOR FLOWERS. I'M TALKIN' 'BOUT LONG STEMMERS,
BOYS. NOTHING DROPS THE SLINGSHOT LIKE
A DOZEN REDHEADS. PRO-TIP SEND A DOZEY' IMPORTS TO
HER OFFICE, EACH AND EVERY ONE OF HER CO-WORKERS IS GOING TO
BLOW HER LEVIS. [ LAUGHTER ]
>> BLOW THEIR LEVIS? [ SIGH ]
>> JOST McBOOSH -- I CAN TELL YOU HAVE NEVER DONE
THE V-D RIGHT. [ LAUGHTER ]
TIP NUMERO TROIS. LIGHT A BUNCH OF CANDLES ALL
OVER YOUR APT, CHICKS ARE LIKE MOTHS, GUYS.
THEY GO CRAZY FOR FLAMES, MY JUNK SUCKS.
[ LAUGHTER ] >> I'M SORRY, DIDN'T YOU
INITIALLY COME ON TO TALK ABOUT BOATS?
>> GETTING THERE, LASSIE! YOU KNOW COLLIE, COLIN.
COLIN JOST, IT'S YOUR NICKNAME, BRO.
[ LAUGHTER ] ALL RIGHT, LET'S GET THIS LOVE
TRAIN A-SCOOTING. [ LAUGHTER ]
GOT TO TEACH MY PEEPS TO LAND HO.
I WON'T BE LONG, I HAVE TO BE SOME WHERE LATER, BUT IT IS NOT
ON LAND. >> IS IT A BOAT?
>> A LADY NEVER TELLS. >> LET ME SAY THIS, I'M ABOUT TO
GET NAUGHTY, C OOH. L.
COL. ALL THESE TIPS ARE WASTED UNLESS
THAT ARM CANDY IS NICE AND SWEET.
IF YOU ARE GOING TO TIE YOURSELF DOWN.
>> YOU WANT TO -- >> GUY JUST BOUGHT A BOUGHT,
EVERYONE. >>> A CHEETO THAT LOOKED LIKE
HARAMBE WAS SOLD. IT WAS A LITTLE LIKE HARAMBE IS
THAT HE ALSO DESERVES TO BE SHOT.
>> OFFICIALS IN ENGLAND SAY OVER 60 MILLION OF COCAINE WASHED UP
ON A BEACH. FOR REFERENCE HERE'S WHAT $60
MILLION OF WASHED UP COCAINE LOOKS LIKE.
>>> THANKS TO THE 50 SHADE OF GRAY FILMS MANY COUPLES HAVE
BEEN EXPERIENCING WITH BONDAGE AND S & M IN THE BEDROOM.
HERE TO SHARE THEIR EXPERTISE, A COUPLE WHO RECENTLY GAVE IT A
SHOT. GREG AND SHELLY DUNCAN.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] >> HELLO, MICHAEL.
>> THANK YOU FOR HAVING US. >> WAS IT HARD TO TAKE THE FIRST
STEP INTO S & M? >> YOU MAY BE SHY.
I SUGGEST, A GLASS OF WINE OR TWO.
>> ABSOLUTELY. >> GOING OFF THE THEME OF PROPER
PREPARATION. IT IS ALSO IMPORTANT TO FIGURE
OUT THE EXTENT TO WHICH YOUR LIMBS CAN BEND BEFORE THEY
BREAK. AND HONEY, THAT GOES FOR YOUR
PENIS AS WELL. >> IN THE 50 SHADE OF GRAY MOVIE
THERE IS A LOT OF SPANKING IS THAT SOMETHING YOU GUYS TRIED?
>> OKAY. I CAN TAKE THAT ONE.
YES WE, DID. JUST A HEAD UP, AS A COUPLE TAKE
THE TIME TO DEFINE WHAT A SPANK IS.
IS IT AN OPEN HAND TAP ON THE REAR END?
OR A CLOSED FIST PUNCH TO EVERYWHERE?
>> GREGORY. >> KEEP SOME THINGS, PRIVATE,
BABY. >> BABY.
>> BUT MY HUSBAND MAKES A GOOD POINT.
KNOW WHAT YOUR PARTNER FEELS COMFORTABLE WITH.
LIKE -- ARE BLINDFOLD OKAY? >> UH-HUH.
>> IS PICKING YOUR PARTNER UP OVER YOUR HEAD AND BURNING HIM
ON AN OVERHEADLIGHT COOL? GUILTY.
>> ARE HANDCUFFS A FAIR GAME? IN MY CASE, YES.
>> DOES BEING WATER BOARDED WITH YOUR OWN URINE TURN YOU ON.
IN MY CASE, NO. >> SO THIS JUST SOUND PAINFUL.
WHAT DID YOU ENJOY ABOUT IT? >> WELL WE LOVED GETTING
CREATIVE AND PRETENDING TO BE OTHER PEOPLE.
DIDN'T WE, BABY? >> UH-HUH.
I EVEN HAD A LITTLE NAME FOR HER.
I CALLED HER MISTRESS XANDA. WHAT WAS THE NAME YOU HAD FOR
ME? >> TOILET DOG.
>> TOILET DOG. >> I WOULD SAY FUN LITTLE
THINGS, LIKE EAT YOUR FEAR LITTLE TOILET DOG.
GRR. >> YEAH, WELL -- ANY TIPS FOR
OUR VIEWERS WHO STILL MAY BE INTERESTED IN
GIVING S & M A SHOT. >> GO FOR IT.
A LITTLE CHANGE COULD MAKE A BIG DIFFERENCE.
>> YEAH, ALSO, KNOW YOUR BLOOD TYPE.
[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ] >> GREG AND SHELLY DUNCAN
EVERYBODY! FOR WEEKEND UPDATE, I'M
MICHAEL CHE! >> AND I'M COLIN JOST,
GOODNIGHT! ♪♪♪