Well hey there, and welcome to part 3 of our series on how addicts and alcoholics
manipulate their families and everyone else around them. For those of you who
don't know me I'm Amber Hollingsworth founder of hope for families recovery
center, where myself and my team untangle the mess that addiction makes in
families every single day. I've been working with addicts and alcoholics for
the past 15 years, and I'm using all that information and secret inside knowledge
to help you conquer addiction once and for all, so you can actually get your
sanity back and get your life back on track.
Manipulation tactic number three is a big one, so listen up families. I
can almost guarantee this is happening to you. Number three is what clinical
people you know( like counselors) call splitting. It's where the person keeps the
people around them separate or even better angry at each other. if you've got a kid
addicted to drugs and alcohol they'll definitely split between the two parents.
One of the parents will be in the role of bad cop and one of the parents will in the role of good cop.
If you haven't watched this video (see above) check it out because it's all about.
Even if you're dealing with an adult who is addicted, they will have the
people around them in conflict about how to deal with the situation. They will have
somebody feeling sorry for them, and somebody being mad at them. The addicted person is
going know how those two people feel about each other,
will be pressing those buttons, because if addiction can keep
you apart and separated, it is winning. The very first step to conquering
addiction is for the family is to get lined up (unified).
Amber:What was life like between you and your parents, when you're in active addiction?
Joey: So my mom loved me so much, that she
knew what was going on, it was hard for me to live with
her. Because she was always helicoptering over me and of course, I didn't like that
If I'm looking at like how my parents went about handling
me, my mom definitely had a hands-on approach. She was over the one wanting to drug
test me. She was always the one searching for my stuff. She was always the one she was
the bad cop. She was always saying.. where were you? You don't look okay.
So naturally, I gravitated more towards my dad, who was more of the
(not that he didn't care they both loved me and they still loved me to this day)
but my dad thought more along the lines of "you know he's gonna do what he wants and
there's nothing that I can do stop him". If I'm being honest, (when I was in
that state ), there really wasn't anything either of them could do and so
naturally, I gravitated more towards my dad. We were living and amicable
together in his apartment, but he got sick, and it got to the point
where my mom and dad were living back together again. This was on
the heels of them separating for a little bit. When they're back together
again, and I was actively using, it was
really thrown off in my life. Because like I said, when it was just my dad and
me I could do what I want. There were no questions asked. Amber: So you were
probably ticked when they got back together? Joey: I was... but it was okay because
I like to do everything, and I knew that my mom probably had
stuff (medications or money) that I could steal. So it was bad when we were living together.
I couldn't get away with anything. It almost made it even
worse, because I was constantly trying to steal her stuff. Amber: this is essential at
Hope For Families, this is what we start working on from day one. I tell families we would
rather you make a wrong decision and be United, then to make a split decision.
Because not being on the same page leaves a lot of room for addiction to squirm
and sway right in there and make a nest. I mean it is prime conditions.. It's like
the addiction gets up in there with like a mini-fridge and snacks.
It knows the coast is clear. So the first thing is to get on
the same page. If you don't know how to do then we've got some videos on that.
Lucas: I could definitely get more of a reaction out of my mom. I could get her to kind
of act crazy and do these wild things to to catch me, and then go to my dad and
convince him that she is she's just crazy. She's
all up my butt. For a while, it worked, and then
hey got on a united front for
sure. Even if he didn't know about it, he just be like I don't know anything
about that... but we're not going to talk about it. I'm not gonna have an
opinion about that. Amber: He wasn't gonna be sucked into it. Lucas: Exactly and once they got united
it took a lot of my power away. Amber: But, then he had a new tactics. Lucas: yeah,
and that's where you just pivot to the next manipulation tactic. Amber:If you
think you need a little individualized help on that, you can always schedule a
strategy session with one of our specialists, because, he here's the deal,
the family and the friends have all the puzzle pieces. It's just a matter of
putting them together. Like for example, if one person knows that they gave the addicted person $20 the
other day for some reason, and the other person doesn't know that, so they also get $20
from that person. Addicts and alcoholics work really hard to make sure
the people in their life don't communicate, because otherwise
the whole house of cards is coming down on their head.
Lucas: The more separate I could keep everybody the, more control I'd have on them. I was
being the puppet master. But, if they all got in the room and started talking then
all my house of cards would come crumbling down. It would be like , oh he didn't do
that the other day? He told me he was with you.... Oh he wasn't with you and he
wasn't with you either, then what was really going on.
You gave him $20 - he asked me for $20 that day. Then all my stuff
is ruined. But if I can keep them split (and possibly even angry at each other),
then that's where I can manipulate the best. Amber: This can even be at work
between co-workers and family members, between friends and families, between
spouses and the addicted person. The addict or alcoholic is going to tell a different version of the
story to get the result, or the feedback that they want. I know
you know what I'm talking about, so let me know in the comments below how it's
happened in your situation.
I chose that Lance over Greenville a because I was mad at dad but be because
I've been in Chicago mom was so happy to have me close by
she was also hope living you know and what she wasn't oblivious to she was
blinded by loved you know yeah so I could get away with whatever so I
wouldn't plan out these these trips where you know I'd get all my friends to
get weekend passes to come to my mom's house and where we were gonna get an
alcohol who was gonna buy it and who you know who had who had cashed that week
and who owed from last week and I was just I really remember like going to to
great lengths to figure out how we're gonna get alcohol
okay families you have just taken a huge step in getting your own power and
control back because you're not gonna let splitting work on you any more but
hey that was only manipulation tactic number three and there are at least four
more so I'm gonna put them right over here for you to watch next