Gemma: Hi I'm Gemma. Danielle: Hi I'm Danielle.
Gemma: And today we're going to be talking about three ways to overcome social anxiety.
Gemma: Remember you can take these at your own pace and your own time
and if you'd like to learn more about social anxiety, check the link in the description.
Gemma: So what kind of anxious thoughts can we have?
Danielle: 'Am I gonna mess up? Are these people going to like me?'
'What if this happens? What if that happens?'
And you start worrying so much that you create a scenario in your head that hasn't even happened yet.
Then afterwards comes the 'did they notice when I did this, did they notice when I did that, did I do that wrong?'
Gemma: So how do we know when it is an anxious thought?
Danielle: It's reading people's minds and thinking that they're being negative towards you
when that's not the case at all
and I think it's the 'what if's'
'What if they don't like me, what if I don't fit in, what if no one talks to me?'
It's also when you're predicting the future and you're just predicting that a bad thing is gonna happen
and you prepare yourself - your body is producing all that adrenaline
to prepare to that imaginative scenario where it's like, it's not even happened yet.
Gemma: So how can we challenge these thoughts?
Danielle: Was there any evidence in the first place, and I know for myself that
when I feel anxious, even if they're looking at me in quite a friendly way,
I can still start to think 'oh but they might be thinking this and they might be thinking that'
and I start worrying myself, although we may feel like we're making such an impact
what you're saying and what you're doing on the grand scheme of things isn't that important to the other person
because like I mentioned before, they're so in their own mind themselves
essentially, you are not your thoughts, your thoughts don't define who you are
and who you are on the outside, sometimes is a lot better than you think you look on the inside.
Gemma: We can spend a lot of time concentrating on ourselves, especially if things aren't going well
how can we spend less time on this?
Danielle: One way of doing this is to focus on the conversation which can sound impossible
if you have a million thoughts and they're loader than what you're hearing the other person say
but there is a technique which I use myself called grounding
and with grounding it brings you back into the moment
so even if, for example, I'm touching the chair and thinking about how it's feeling
if I kind of look around, or I look at the person and I just quickly think about
how they're saying it, what they're wearing, I just think about right now
instead of 'what if I do this, what if I do that?'
You're just thinking what's happening right now, and then it kind of brings you back in to this second
Gemma: And it can feel like everyone will know you're anxious and that can make us feel worse?
Danielle: I know that if I tremble, or if my voice shakes, the first thing I think is that they're noticing it
I used to think they must think less of my because they can see how vulnerable I am and how scared I am
but it's something that everyone needs to know that every single person
will be anxious at some point in their life
if I ever feel very nervous, and then I've been filmed and I watch it back I'm like 'oh I didn't look how I felt at all'
and it's really weird because you don't actually see yourself from the outside
Gemma: We can spend a lot of time worrying if we're doing well in social situations?
Danielle: It is hard when you put that expectation on yourself
that I'm going to make this conversation amazing, I'm gonna kill it
but sometimes we just have bad conversations and that's fine
I think also when I think back to school, I remember whenever there was reading or anything like that
I would never put up my hand, because I didn't want to have all the attention on me
and I didn't want the pressure, you're so fixated on stumbling, messing up, not reading correctly that
you again, lose yourself to this worry, and then when it is your turn
you've gone through it so many times that you're already feeling drained before it's even happened
it's great to rehearse and feel prepared, but when it's actually holding you back
and it's draining you in a sense, it's almost just observing that the thoughts there
and it's like 'oh alright, thanks for your help, but I don't need it right now'.
Gemma: So why is it important to let go of things that help us feel safe?
Danielle: When it comes to social anxiety, if say you're invited to a party and you choose to not go
because you're scared of what people will think of you, how it will go
and you start imagining all the scenarios again and the anxious thoughts start
who knows, that if you go, you might have such a fun time and such a nice experience
you might not, but thats life
and, either way, if it's bad you learn from certain things and if it's good you learn from certain things
but if you constantly in the same place you will never move
you need to transform into a warrior, and not a worrier
Gemma: So what goals could you set yourself?
Danielle: Whether it's a small as
when I go to school tomorrow, I'm going to look at someone in the eye when they say 'hi'
whether it's as small as I'm going to smile and say 'thank you' to the bus driver
for me, I remember when I was younger, I did set my goals to high
and then I would just not reach that in time because I wasn't ready.
It's almost like, if you wanna think about it in a game sense
you might be on level 1 and you're reaching for level 20 right now
you've got to start at level 1, and slowly, brick by brick keep going until you get to that level 20
but it does take time.
Gemma: So how long does it take to overcome social anxiety?
Danielle: I definitely think it's something which will take a different time for everyone
and it takes practise, but it's also having the mind set that it's a strong thing to ask for help
whether it first of all, it's to friends and family and those loved ones around you
whether it's to a teacher or someone at school
but if, for you, you want extra help or don't feel that comfortable with talking to them
then you can always contact Childline, and they can teach you certain things that I've learnt as well
like grounding, they can kind of guide you
and they can help you see yourself in a way that you haven't thought about before
and put things back into perspective
Gemma: Thanks so much for coming, and for all of your advice.
Danielle: Thank you so much for having me, it's been amazing.
Gemma: And see you next time.