THE SECOND GOBSMACKER OF THE LAST 24 HOURS, WAS DONALD
TRUMP'S APPEARANCE LAST NIGHT AT THE NATIONAL BOY SCOUT JAMBOREE.
IT'S NO SURPRISE HE WENT TO THE BOY SCOUTS.
WITH ALL HIS SCANDAL, HE'S GOOD AT PUTTING OUT FIRES.
YOU'RE TOO KIND, REALLY.
NOW, OBVIOUSLY, THIS IS AN EVENT FOR CHILDREN FROM ALL OVER THE
COUNTRY, AND IT IS COMPLETELY NONPARTISAN EVENT SO TRUMP LEFT
THE POLITICS BEHIND AND JUST TALKED ABOUT HIS HOPES FOR THEIR
FUTURE.
I'M JUST KIDDING.
( LAUGHTER ) HE DID HIS THING.
>> BOY, YOU HAVE A LOT OF PEOPLE HERE.
THE PRESS WILL SAY IT'S ABOUT 200 PEOPLE.
( LAUGHTER ) IT LOOKS LIKE ABOUT 45,000
PEOPLE.
YOU SET A RECORD TODAY.
( APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: YOU KNOW THEY WERE
GOING TO BE THERE ANYWAY, RIGHT?
( LAUGHTER ) IT'S THEIR EVENT.
NOT YOURS.
( LAUGHTER ) "I CAN'T BELIEVE ALL THESE
PEOPLE TURNED OUT FOR THE SUPER BOWL JUST BECAUSE I'M HERE.
I'M ALSO I'VE GOT TO SAY-- AND I'LL SAY THIS-- I'M VERY HONORED
THAT THERE ARE SEVEN BILLION PEOPLE ON EARTH RIGHT NOW.
IT'S A NEW RECORD.
JUST TO SEE ME.
WEREN'T THAT MANY YESTERDAY.
EVERY DAY."
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) "JUST TO SEE ME."
AND, OF COURSE, TRUMP KNEW HOW TO WORK THAT CROWD.
>> THE UNITED STATES HAS NO BETTER CITIZENS THAN ITS BOY
SCOUTS.
>> Stephen: TAKE THAT, GIRL SCOUTS!
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
>> Jon: WOW!
>> Stephen: THE BOY SCOUTS ARE KNOWN FOR THEIR LOVE OF CIVIC
ENGAGEMENT.
WE HAVE BOY SCOUTS IN MY FAMILY.
WE HAVE AN EAGLE SCOUT IN MY FAMILY.
ONE OF THE NICE THINGS IS THEY DO BADGES ON THE GOVERNMENT.
DONALD TRUMP TOOK THE OPPORTUNITY TO DROP A DEUCE IN
THAT PUNCH BOWL.
>> YOU KNOW, I GO TO WASHINGTON AND I SEE ALL THESE POLITICIANS,
AND I SEE THE SWAMP.
AND IT'S NOT A GOOD PLACE.
IN FACT, TODAY I SAID WE OUGHT TO CHANGE IT FROM THE WORD
"SWAMP" TO THE WORD CESSPOOL OR, PERHAPS, TO THE WORD SEWER.
>> Stephen: "KIDS, I COME HERE TO INSPIRE YOU: YOUR GOVERNMENT
IS A FESTERING RIVER OF HUMAN WASTE, AND I'M THE MADMAN WHO
RULES IT ON A THRONE OF TURDS."
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
>> Jon: OH!
>> Stephen: OKAY?
BIGGEST EVER.
>> Jon: OH!
>> Stephen: UNBELIEVABLE, ABSOLUTELY, I DON'T-- AS THEY
SAY, I DON'T KNOW.
AFTER INTRODUCING ACTUAL FORMER BOY SCOUT ENERGY SECRETARY RICK
PERRY, TRUMP EXPLAINED TO THE BOYS WHAT A GREAT JOB HIS
ADMINISTRATION IS DOING.
>> AND VERY SOON, RICK, WE WILL BE AN ENERGY EXPORTER.
ISN'T THAT NICE?
>> Stephen: "OKAY, KIDS, WHO WANTS A MERIT BADGE IN FRACKING?
ANYBODY?" THEN HE INTRODUCED ANOTHER
MEMBER OF HIS CABINET: >> SECRETARY TOM PRICE IS ALSO
HERE, AND HE'S DOING A GREAT JOB.
AND HOPEFULLY, HE'S GOING TO GET THE VOTES TOMORROW TO START
OUR PATH TOWARD KILLING THIS HORRIBLE THING KNOWN AS
OBAMACARE.
BY THE WAY, YOU GOING TO GET THE VOTES?
HE BETTER GET THEM.
OH, HE BETTER-- OTHERWISE, I'LL SAY, "TOM, YOU'RE FIRED."
>> Stephen: "I'LL FIRE HIM RIGHT NOW!
I'LL FIRE HIM RIGHT NOW.
KIDS, WHO WANTS TO SEE A GROWN MAN CRY?
ANYBODY.
COME HERE, SQUIRT HIM.
COME ON, SQUIRT HIM."
TRUMP THAN BEGAN CITING THE SCOUT LAW:
>> AS THE SCOUT LAW SAYS: "A SCOUT IS TRUSTWORTHY, LOYAL"--
WE COULD USE SOME MORE LOYALTY, I WILL TELL YOU THAT.
>> Stephen: WE COULD USE MORE LOYALTY!
FOR INSTANCE, THAT GUY ON STAGE JUST THREATENED TO FIRE SOMEONE
HE SAID WAS DOING A GOOD JOB.
AND THEN, AS IF TRUMP'S INSECURITIES AND OBSESSIONS
WEREN'T ENOUGH POISON TO POUR INTO THE EARS OF CHILDREN, HE
TOLD THEM THIS STORY.
>> AND HE WAS A VERY SUCCESSFUL MAN, BECAME UNBELIEVABLE-- HE
WAS A HOME BUILDER-- BECAME AN UNBELIEVABLE SUCCESS, AND GOT
MORE AND MORE SUCCESSFUL.
AND HE DID THIS FOR 20 YEARS, AND THEN HE WAS OFFERED A LOT OF
MONEY FOR HIS COMPANY, AND HE SOLD HIS COMPANY FOR A
TREMENDOUS AMOUNT OF MONEY.
AND HE WENT OUT AND BOUGHT A BIG YACHT, AND HE HAD A VERY
INTERESTING LIFE.
I WON'T GO ANY MORE THAN THAT, BECAUSE YOU'RE BOY SCOUTS SO
I'M NOT GOING TO TELL YOU WHAT HE DID.
( CROWD CHANTING ) SHOULD I TELL YOU?
SHOULD I TELL YOU?
OH, YOU'RE BOY SCOUTS, BUT YOU KNOW LIFE.
YOU KNOW LIFE.
>> Stephen: "YEAH, YOU'RE BOY SCOUTS BUT YOU KNOW LIFE, YOU
KNOW, BILLION AIRS.
INTERNATIONAL WATERS.
NO WITNESSES.
GAMBLING.
COCK FIGHTS.
SOME LADIES.
EVERYONE'S WEARING LOOSE CLOTHING.
I FORGOT WHERE I WAS GOING WITH THIS.
ANYWAY, WORK HARD, KIDS."
THEN TRUMP LAID OUT HIS BOLD VISION FOR THE FUTURE:
>> AND BY THE WAY, UNDER THE TRUMP ADMINISTRATION, YOU'LL BE
SAYING "MERRY CHRISTMAS" AGAIN WHEN YOU GO SHOPPING, BELIEVE
ME.
( APPLAUSE ) MERRY CHRISTMAS.
THEY'VE BEEN DOWNPLAYING THAT LITTLE BEAUTIFUL PHRASE.
>> Stephen: YES, THEY ARE DOWNPLAYING IT FOR SOME REASON.
I'M JUST SPITBALLING HERE.
MAYBE IT'S BECAUSE IT'S JULY.
I DON'T.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) I DON'T-.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) AND NOW THAT THEY'VE HEARD FROM
THE PRESIDENT, THE SCOUTS HAVE UPDATED THEIR OATH.
LET ME JUST-- ( CLEARS THROAT )
ON MY HONOR, I WILL DO MY BEST TO MAKE A TREMENDOUS AMOUNT OF
MONEY AND BUY A SEX YACHT LIKE THAT OLD GUY THE PRESIDENT
KNOWS, TO KEEP MYSELF PHYSICALLY STRONG WITH GOLF AND STEAK, AND
REFER ALL QUESTIONS TO OUTSIDE COUNSEL.
MERRY CHRISTMAS!" ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )