- Choosing to not have sex for a year
is really fucking difficult.
I won't sugar coat that, but, if I'm being for real,
for real, it's an experience that I don't regret.
(soft music)
My name is Daysha and I challenged myself
to go a whole year without having sex.
Well, kind of a whole year.
Like many women, when I first started having sex,
I couldn't have an orgasm,
and it's not like I didn't have the ability.
In fact, I was very well aware of my ability.
(laughing)
But for whatever reason, whenever I tried to recreate
that flame with someone else, it's like I couldn't
get the wick to burn.
The closest I ever came to having one,
until I met Brandon a year ago,
was when I was in my first and only long term relationship.
It wasn't an orgasm, I know that now,
but for a long time, it was the closest I'd ever come.
You gotta admit, that was a really good pun.
(laughing)
Brandon was the first guy since my ex-boyfriend
that I seriously wanted to consider dating.
From the moment we first met,
he always knew how to make me feel comfortable.
Our first date lasted for hours,
talking about everything and anything.
The way he pulled me in and held me close
on our second date, he would switch between caressing
and lightly pressing on my thighs.
There was this harmonious combination of love
and lust in his touch that gave me those
damn proverbial butterflies.
Date three was the night.
Before we got into, I noticed him kind of looking
me over with this look in his eye
that I was really unfamiliar with.
He said to me,
"You are so beautiful."
I wanted to jump out of a motherfucking window
because that was the first time that anyone
had ever said that to me and he said it in a way
that actually made me believe him.
You know what's even crazier?
When we did end up having sex that night,
I orgasmed, but I didn't even orgasm from penetration.
I remember just kind of laying back, stunned,
after it happened.
I was like, "How did he do that?"
I have never felt comfortable enough with anyone
to let that happen.
But I can tell you I was really excited
to try and explore. (laughing)
Brandon and I didn't last for reasons
that are way too long to get into for this video,
and we only had sex that one time.
When we finally did decide to split,
I decided that I needed to sex him out of my memory.
Jack had all the elements that we as women
are taught are supposed to make good sex.
He had a body that was a work of the gods.
The way he kissed me.
It was so tender and sweet,
and, you know, I don't wanna get into too many details
about his you-know-what, but let's just say,
it was a package worth being home to accept
from the mailman personally.
Oh my god. (laughing)
My mom. (laughing)
When we finished sans orgasm on my end,
I didn't know how to feel.
Here was this dreamboat that I had been taught
would give me all of the orgasms that I
could ever imagine and that 14-year-old me
would have flipped a shit to know
that she got this guy to have sex with her.
And I couldn't orgasm.
But after sleeping with Jack,
I just kind of realized I needed to chill the fuck out.
In August, Brandon entered into a relationship
with someone else and I always thought that
I didn't know what sparked my orgasm with Brandon
but now I believe that it was me finally learning
to let someone in and to trust them mentally and physically.
I feel like my inability to have an orgasm was
my body's weird way of saying,
"Your orgasm is worth so much more than these
"fuck boys who won't even acknowledge you
"after they come.
"You are not broken, you just don't trust them."
It was in this moment that I realized,
I needed to figure out how to be with someone
without sex and learn how to build that trust.
After reading an interesting article about
this one guy's celibacy journey,
it actually encouraged me to pursue the idea
of dating while celibate.
He basically talked about how being celibate eliminated
a lot of the pressure of the
when is too soon to have sex and what is this gonna mean
and it truly allowed him to connect with the person
he was dating.
Alex was like the relationship that
I always imagined having in college.
It was fast and fun
and just completely unpredictable.
So,
I definitely noticed the shift in our relationship
the night that I told him.
Even though Alex said that he was 100% okay
with my decision to not have sex,
his actions definitely started to show how much
he actually wasn't.
My celibacy journey was starting to stress me out.
I really hated the idea of losing another
"great guy" to my little experiment, but,
being with Jay actually really reminded me
of the significance of why I was doing this
in the first place.
After I told Jay I was celibate, I always had this
small twinge of fear.
I was wondering when the text that would
initiate his slow fade would finally come.
But it never did.
I did instead. (laughing)
Sorry.
Jay, in a lot of ways like Brandon,
not only said the right things,
but mainly let his actions do the talking.
On our first date, he and I also talked for hours,
which made me realize my love of deep conversation.
The way he grabbed my hand and caressed my palm,
it had the same twinge of love and lust
that Brandon had introduced me to many months ago.
But I feel like what really did it was his
genuine ability to embrace new things.
Whether that meant making out with me
while I had an eye patch on because I scratched
my cornea or being able to fully embrace and not
being threatened by my sex toys,
or just accepting the fact that I wasn't
having sex for two more months.
He made it very clear through his constant
engagement, his affection, and his respect
for my decisions that this was what I needed
to fully trust someone both mentally and physically.
Two weeks shy of my celibacy expiration date,
which was six weeks after we met,
I finally decided, I just wanted to have sex with Jay.
(laughing)
I know, I know.
There were only two weeks left.
But, I felt like at this point, it was only
going against everything that I set out to prove.
My goal was to figure out how to put
my pleasure first and learn how to build that trust.
Our sex is amazing,
but it's not always perfect.
I don't always orgasm every time,
but I also love that we built this sense of trust
where I don't feel internally pressured to have to
orgasm every time.
Sometimes, it really is just as simple as knowing
that every part of you trusts them.
(soft rock music)