(light guitar music)
- So we want KittyHostel to be the dog vacay for cats.
But as you can guess it's a big
problem that needs big resources.
- [Man with long hair] Hey.
- [Blond man] Hey.
- [Man with long hair] Excited to have you on board.
- [Blond man] Oh, on board.
- You'll be in here today.
- (sighs) This is nice.
This is where you do data entry?
(door closes)
- I know this is weird, but I don't
actually need you to do anything.
- Uh, okay, awesome.
- (sighs) KittyHostel is out of runway.
- I'm sorry, runway?
- It's a fancy way of saying we're out of money.
There's a group of investors coming in at noon
and if they don't put in, I'm going to have
to lay off pretty much everyone.
I need them to think we're much bigger than we are.
- So, just to be clear here, you want me to do nothing?
- Correct.
- But you are going to pay me.
- I'll pay you double not to mess this up.
When I bring the investors around, just nod and smile.
No one wants to talk to the
director of database engineering anyway.
- Sorry, director of database engineering?
- That title cool with you?
- Oh, yeah, it's fine, I just-
- Do you know anyone else who's available at
a moment's notice, who could take this seriously?
There's a lot on the line.
- Um, yeah, yeah, I think I do.
- Well, you can tell the Scottsdale office
their numbers were shit last quarter.
- Mm-hmm, yeah, that's a Taylor Swift song.
- [Woman] Gimme that.
- Whose dog is this?
- Don't worry about it.
- You must be Brandon's sister.
- Not today.
Sorry, that's the last time I break character.
You must be our fearless visionary.
- Oh, sorry, she-
- N-n-n-no.
I like it.
This'll work.
- Uh, what?
- You say the right things.
- I will live, breathe, and sleep this company.
I'll stop at nothing until we're
leaders in whatever our market is.
- I get it, you're a killer.
- I'm your killer.
Now what's my title?
- You seem like a VP of customer acquisitions.
- Love it.
I'll acquire the shit out of fake customers for you.
- That's the fire we need.
You'll take Brandon's office.
- Uh, excuse me, but-
- It just makes sense.
The investors will be here in an hour.
Brandon, make sure she knows the drill.
- Oh, shoot, I'm going to have to call David and
tell him I won't be home in time for dinner.
- Who's David?
- My husband.
We met at Stanford Business School.
- Okay, this guy is going to pay us
double to sit in a room and not cause any trouble.
Not to treat this like an audition for the Social Network 2.
- No Brandon, you don't get it.
This is a happening, okay?
I nail this, I'm the lead in a workplace sitcom.
- Look, I've gone through a lot of these
temp gigs already, and this is the first one
that has any long-term potential.
I mean, this guy's paying me to do nothing.
I could do this forever.
We could do this forever.
- I don't know.
Right now we need to focus on inhabiting
our environment, so we can become
one with the workplace milieu.
- No, n-n-n-no, no inhabitation.
That's going to be your office there.
I'm going to find a cubicle.
Try to reign this in.
- Don't talk to your superior that way.
Scottsdale, back on the line.
How are you, motherfuckers?
(light guitar music)
(phone rings)
- Hi?
- Hey, figured you'd want to see
the latest server load reports.
- I, I don't.
- But the database is running out of memory.
- Did, did Brittney put you up to this?
- The new VP?
- You're real?
Sorry, you're a real employee, here?
- I'm part-time, but...
- Oh, ah, never mind.
So the database is running out of memory?
That sounds bad.
- Seems like cacheing our most
recent queries would reduce the strain.
- Do we have to buy anything for that to happen?
- No, just takes a couple lines of code.
But, do you think there'll be any
issues with backwards compatibility?
- Compatibility sounds positive.
Yeah, I think you should go for it.
- Okay, I'm on it.
- Good job.
- Thanks.
(phone rings)
- Hello?
- [Voice on phone] I have Brittany calling for Brandon.
- Brittney.
- Please hold for Brittney.
The investors are here.
Showtime.
- No, there's no showtime.
Brittney.
- [Man in grey shirt] That's Brandon.
He's our database engineer.
Once we reach critical mass in
Los Angeles, San Francisco is next.
- Have you found a scalable acquisition strategy?
- Well-
- Well that depends on your definition of scale.
How about we go into my office for a brief presentation.
- Uh, not now, Brittney.
Maybe after we go over the financials.
- Sounds good.
I'll sit in.
Follow me.
How are you guys doing?
You look thinner.
- Uh, actually, sorry guys, I have
a meeting with Brittney now to discuss scaling the database.
- Scale, yes, talk to me about scale.
Chase tells me he's got a saddle on
a unicorn that's ready to shit gold.
- Okay, well our first step is
to cache all recent queries.
This doesn't cost anything up front,
but it should reduce a lot of strain in the long run.
- Makes sense.
- See, I built a world-class team.
(knocking on door)
- Sir, the database change you
authorized caused a kernel panic.
- You authorized a database change?
- Uh, yeah, a couple of lines of code.
- Well you do know how to fix it, right?
- Yeah, you made him the director of database engineering.
- You guys need a moment?
- No, this will just take a second.
- [Brandon] Look I think what-
- [Chase] I'm not paying you to think.
I'm paying you not to fuck up.
And you did, royally.
- Hey.
- He's right.
- Look, I don't need any input from a lunatic bitch, either.
- Hey.
Now, you're not going to let him talk
to an executive of your stature
that way now, are you, Brittney?
- Certainly not.
You just remember who pays the bills around here.
- What?
- Yeah, Daddy didn't cut you a check
and put us on the board for you to just shit all over us.
- Whoa, trouble at the unicorn farm.
- What the hell are you talking about?
I'm really sorry.
- No, I'm really sorry.
I expected more from our portfolio companies.
- You invested?
- Daddy did.
- Yeah, that's right.
It's, uh, Daddy's money that's in those unicorn saddle bags.
- Yeah, and we have first-in first-out shares,
which I'm sure Chase told you all about.
- He did not.
Look, I think we all have a lot to think about.
So, we'll be in touch.
Do you have a card?
I'd love to get together to talk shop.
- Voila.
I do magic.
(door closes)
- You're fired.
- No shit.
- Yeah, you can't treat people like wet garbage.
Call the car.
- Uh, yes, would you bring the car around, please.
- Nice.
- You know, that was kind of awesome.
- I know.
Scottsdale, your sales team sack-up yet?
- Hey, what happened to that dog?
- [Brittney] Don't worry about it.
I stole it.
(light guitar music)
(dog growling)
(projector clicking)
(synthesized strings tone)