Will you please be upstanding for Dame Edna.
Everage.
Ed.
Oh hello.
Lovely.
Where the Michael Aspel? Where is he?
Michael Aspel? Yes.
Michael is, not here.
Oh, darling, I was. I thought this was going to be.
This is your life.
I thought it was. I was all keyed up for it viewers.
I was when they said
Were wasting our time with this woman here.
I haven't been introduced.
This is Madge Allsop, my bridesmaid.
Mystery fella.
Don't encourage her, Desmond.
Don't encourage her, sit down.
You see, I was sure it was going to be.
This is your life. I'm sorry to disappoint you.
No. What?
You're not really.
I adore you, little Desmond.
And I've followed your career for years and years.
Uphill and downhill.
It's been a bit of a roller coaster.
And I'll never forget that lovely song of yours,
Dick-A-Dum-Dum.
You like that?
I loved, when you won the Eurovision Song Contest.
I never won the Eurovision Song Contest.
With a song like that, you should have darling.
And then, and then.
And then Careless Hands.
Didn't you love that studio audience?
Those careless Hands?
Are they still careless?
Well, occasionally.
I like a, I like a man with a little bit of juice left in him.
I think
I noticed there’s a bit on your tie.
However, by the way, I don't know.
I'm a little hesitant. I don't know how to address you.
Is it just.
Is it Edna or is it Dame Edna? Is it.
Baroness.
I like to be. I want to be Baron.
I'm not a Baroness, Desmond, but I'm going to be.
And it's as well to be prepared.
So when people call, when I really am a baroness, I won't be taken aback.
Margaret Thatcher told me that for about two years
she heard people talking about Baroness and she didn't realize it was her.
So I'd like to just.
I just want to get used to my title. Yes.
So it's Baroness Edna, but you can call me Edna for short
because I adore this little fellow. I really do.
And we were meant to come together tonight because the stars tell us. The stars?
I.
I haven't ever said this before into any media on any TV show,
but I'm governed by the stars and you're a Capricorn?
Yes, I am.
And I'm an Aquarian.
And my moon is at its fourth house.
And you are on the cusp of Uranus. Did you know that?
You are.
You are Desmond.
And that’s why
we should be together.
We should.
We're going to make music together.
I'm advised by my little astrological counselor.
Who's that? Mystic Madge.
Yes.
Yes, yes.
She has a view.
She's in touch with the spirits.
She looks like she's had a few.
Particularly methylated spirits
when there's nothing else in the house.
Look at her there, I've never seen her smile.
She's. She's smiling. This is a first.
A first for the Desmond O'Connor show viewers.
What a show.
She's reading that unsavory book by my manager, Barry Humphries.
Barry, I've heard of him.
Oh, well, have you met him?
I see him from time to time.
He collects his lavish percentage of my earnings and writes unsavory books.
Only women with a mind like Madge could enjoy them.
I'm afraid she's a bit of a raunchy old thing.
I adored that man you had, that singer.
Oh, my gorgeous with the split ends.
Didn't you love him?
He was lovely. Mind you.
Lady.
Ladies, if you came out from under the dryer
with hair like that, wouldn't you complain? I would.
I probably sue them.
But he was lovely, wasn’t he.
He was charming, absolutely delightful.
Delightful.
I don't know what to talk about.
There's so much we could talk about.
Anything that you particularly wanted.
Well, can I probe?
You can probe
up to a point You can, my darling.
You can, it's an exciting life.
I lead, and I'm doing a lot of counseling now.
Oh, that's interesting.
I've become a stress therapist.
For anyone in particular.
Particularly the royal family.
This is interesting. Well.
I can mention a few things, but remember that they have sworn to secrecy.
So this is just between ourselves.
This must go no further.
Who have you been helping?
Of course. You saw little Di on Panorama.
I was in the background.
You were there.? That blouse.
Do you remember that blouse, ladies that she was wearing?
That was my blouse.
I remember that blouse.
And I said, Don't wear your jewels.
Don't wear your jewels
because you know considering the sum of money you hoping for.
I said, you’ve got to look a little bit poverty stricken.
I wanted her to dress in Madge’s old clothes.
I did the eye makeup.
I got a lot of criticism.
I did Princess Di’s eye makeup
I did.
And every now and then I held her jewels.
I said, Don't wear those.
I’ll look after them.
I'm the only person she trusted with them.
And every now and then I stop the cameras.
During that famous interview and I stepped forward
with a little eyedropper and puts little tears in her eyes.
I did.
So it's something I like.
And, you know, we we do things together.
Little Diana, I shouldn't be saying this.
I don't think we
we see this woman.
She's, I don't know if you've heard of this.
It's called colonic irrigation. Have you heard of it?
Yes, I have heard.
We see this little colonic irrigator.
Her name is Annabel and she's a delightful person.
And we visit this woman and have the treatment.
But we do it very, very secretly.
Yes, we do, Desmond, because we don't want the paparazzi
and the reporters all hanging around the front door.
We don't. Or the back door.
We slip in the back way. We do.
And funnily enough, so does Annabel, she does.
You’re spooky.
You almost anticipated what I was going to say Desmond.
This is a very,
very late night show isn’t it? 8:00.
It's late for her.
It's late for Madge. Well I'm really worried about.
Should I go over and say hello and talk to her?
No, no, no. She's popular enough.
Do you know this woman is swamped by autograph hunters?
I'm embarrassed.
I go out tonight when I leave this
lovely, luxurious studios of yours, there'll be a swarm of rather
spooky types of people, and they'll want her autograph.
It hurts me a little bit.
It's her they want. I was mystified.
The viewers studio audience totally mystified by this phenomenon.
And I asked one of them.
I said, why is it they said, Oh, it's Camilla Parker Bowles isn’t it?
I mean, look,
You must admit it's uncanny.
Isn't it? It is.
It is.
Uncanny.
I think.
The reason I think it's Camilla is that she never speaks to the press.
She never speaks to the press.
Silent.
She doesn't say a lot.
Doesn't say much.
Has she ever done anything exciting in a lifetime.
I bring excitement to this woman.
Just living with me is excitement enough for her.
I can imagine.
Does she do for you?
Does she clean looking like dust?
Oh, whenever I travel, you know, I travel a lot as we do in our business.
I tell the hotel, however luxurious it is, I say,
there's a woman pointing at my legs.
I say,
I hope she's on a Channel four type of woman.
She’s probably pierced somewhere without us knowing.
However, you know, I could never bring myself to get pierced.
I couldn't.
I went to Selfridges years ago because I wanted those earrings
that you sort of popped in through the little holes there.
And there was a counter there.
It said ears pierced while you wait.
And I thought, Well, it's so much easier than leaving them there.
Over the weekend.
And they use a staple gun on me.
They do.
They pointed this gun at me, and when it went off, I ducked, I'm afraid.
And at that very moment,
the manager of the soft furnishings was bending over
and
And very soon he had the facility
for a diamanté pendant, he did.
Where was I? We were discussing.
When I go to these hotels, I say, No room service.
They're very surprised
that I don't want anyone making the bed of cleaning the room.
Madge does it.
We travel with a vacuum cleaner and she does it all.
It’s important for her. I don't want to.
It’s a sense of purpose.
She'd soften up. Yes.
She needs this discipline.
She needs to feel that she's of service and of use.
Where did you find her?
Well,
she was a little New Zealand wife
who came to my school in Melbourne, and I took pity on this creature.
Oh, and I've never. I've never.
I've regretted that
she was wearing dreadful old clothes, you know, from New Zealand.
I burnt them in the school playground.
I lent her some lovely things of mine.
She's still wearing them. And,
and you know,
there was this little cardigan that she was wearing
was made of New Zealand sheep wool that had been plucked off barbed wire.
It was free range wool and I had to say it still had seeds in it
and horrible little big jobs of sheep.
And where we burnt that cardy,
a kiwi fruit tree grew.
It was the first kiwifruit tree in Australia.
That's very interesting.
Madge was carrying those seeds around with her.
Has she.
Has there ever been a man in.
There was a husband, she was married,
he passed away on her honeymoon.
Married
The wedding.It’s too sad, even I
feel sorry for Madge when I tell her story.
Well,
they had the honeymoon
in New Zealand where they have the boiling mud springs.
Rotorua? Yes, Rotorua.
And Madge was taking a little snap of her husband,
you know, hoping something might happen that night, you know?
And he was leaning against a little fragile fence
just over a boiling mud pool.
And that was it.
He toppled into that.
We got a lovely snap of it, but I mean.
So you don't let her out anymore?
Well, I've felt responsible for her.
There's a lovely side to me.
Oh I can tell that.
Oh, yes, there's a lovely side to me.
What is your best quality, you think?
Compassion, I think. And.
And I think it's femininity.
I think it's because women identify with me.
They say Edna's a little bit naughty. Sometimes it gets a little bit wicked.
But at last, an intelligent
woman on television, that's what they think
because they're sick of the glamour-puss’s
I'm not a beauty.
I'm a handsome woman.
For example, if I'm in the street, quite a few heads turn, I can tell you that.
And there are men who have written very, very raunchy things about me.
Can we talk about it?
No we can't. We've said enough tonight.
We've got about enough interview.
To fill a whole evening of Desmond O'Connor,
and I'd like to thank you Desmond O'Connor,
and I'd like to thank all of our people listening.
I'd like to thank you for having me at your place.
Goodnight.
Edna. Dame Edna Everage.
What about her? Is she all right?
Should we get her off?
Leave her there.