hey there everybody and welcome to seven signs you might have a trauma bond
i'm your host dr donnelly snipes
if you're interested in working with people with trauma a master
class in trauma-informed care is available at all ceus.com t-i-c
if you think you're in an abusive relationship call 1-800-799-7233
or 1-800-799-safe
or go to thehotline.org
if you go somewhere online make sure to clear your browser history
when you're finished and ideally do it from a location that's public and outside of your home
just to review a trauma bond is a connection between a victim and an abuser in which the
victim justifies or rationalizes the abuse by believing it's their fault or that the abuse
means that the abuser loves them trauma bonds are a common symptom or consequence
of complex post-traumatic stress disorder so if you're working with somebody with cptsd
it is essential to also screen for and address any trauma bonds
what causes a trauma bond conditions leading people to develop a trauma bond
include believing the abuser poses a real threat to the victim or to the
victim's loved ones if i leave this person they will kill me they will kill my family
additionally the victim believes that life without the abuser poses a real threat so if i'm not with
this person i can't survive on my own i don't have the capability i don't have the resources
in situations where there's a relationship that starts out with kindness and then
goes on to become controlling and critical there are still periods of
kindness that are kind of smattered in through there and that's just enough to keep the
victim believing that the abuser loves them and that the abuser's abuse is their fault
the person also needs to be isolated from other people and believe that they truly cannot escape
so what are some signs that you might have a trauma bond if you're unhappy in
your relationship but just don't see how you can leave it might be a trauma bond
it might be that you just got in yourself into a financial pickle but if you don't see how you can
leave if you don't feel capable of leaving if you feel afraid to leave then that's a different story
if you rationalize or justify to yourself and others the actions of the abuser if you're
constantly making excuses for why the abuser abuses you or for why the abuser isolates you
then that's a big red flag if you constantly feel on edge or even maybe secretly crave the drama it
might be a trauma bond and you may be scratching your head on this one feeling on edge feeling like
you're walking on eggshells because if you do the wrong thing the abuser is going to lash out
and obviously you don't want that but why would somebody secretly crave the drama well remember
back a couple slides ago i said that in a trauma bond many times the victim believes that the abuse
is a way that the abuser shows love you know they punish me because they love me and they want to
make me better so if they're not punishing me if there's not all this drama going on
then it must mean that they don't care about me anymore so that can be a
consequence of the mental gymnastics that people have to go through when they are in a
trauma bond if you regularly or constantly carry around a lot of guilt the abuser in a
trauma bond is going to make the victim feel like everything is their fault if you were only better
if you wouldn't have done this then i wouldn't be angry then we wouldn't have this problem
so the person the victim in a trauma bond often bears the guilt for everything that's
going wrong in the relationship in their life and with the abuser
if you avoid open communication for fear of abuse or criticism or ridicule and remember
abuse does not have to be physical abuse it can be verbal abuse it can be ridiculing name-calling
being just downright ugly
if you've lost your sense of self and will do or be anything to appease the abuser a lot of
times when as a result of this grooming process remember it starts out with love bombing with the
honeymoon period showering somebody with gifts and attention and love and everything they want
so everything after that point the victim is trying to regain that feeling regain that
initial rush that they had in the relationship and that keeps getting further and further away
as a result of trying to get that back they start becoming very chameleon like
what do you want me to do what do you want me to be so you will love me again
and if you've lost touch with friends and family it might be a sign that you are in a trauma bond
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you don't necessarily have to still be with someone to have a trauma bond you may have gotten
out of that relationship either you did or that person abandoned you or maybe that person you know
left for some other reason however it doesn't mean that you have healed that trauma bond it doesn't
mean that you have your heart has let go of that trauma bond so it will be important to heal
the damage that was done to your self-esteem to
your psyche and to your heart in that traumatic relationship
if you believe you formed a trauma bond help is available but the first step is to get to safety