I told you I lost the weight.
Here's the thing.
You can be beautiful no matter what
size you are.
Can we agree on that?
(audience cheering)
You may not be everybody's cup
of tea, but you're going to be
somebody's milkshake.
(audience laughing)
I like the people who like it
because they're like,
but there's some people going,
uh-uh.
(audience laughing)
I just didn't know how big I was.
Here's the truth.
First, this is a safety precaution,
OK?
I told you, I was over 300 pounds.
If you're a certain size,
there are things you should not
wear.
Can we agree on this?
(audience cheering)
Me and you, Sir.
You should not wear animal print
if you're the same size
of the animal.
(audience laughing)
I'm from the South.
You will get shot.
(audience laughing)
I told that joke at a bar one night.
And a woman up front said, "anybody
"can wear snake skin.
"It's slimming."
The guy beside of her
goes, not if it looks like you ate
a cow.
(audience laughing)
I was like, y'all been married more
than five years.
Isn't that true, though?
Like, any more than five--
if you were married more than five
years, you can start saying stuff
like that.
Less than five years, you still like
them.
(audience laughing)
You know I'm right.
Anybody been married more than 10
years?
(audience cheering)
You guys are married to each other?
Yeah.
OK.
What?
- We're here for our anniversary.
- You're here for your anniversary?
Happy anniversary!
(audience cheering)
Please don't let me be the only gift
you gave her.
(audience laughing)
Well, happy anniversary.
How long you been married?
- 13 years.
- 13 years?
That's awesome.
You got kids?
How many?
- Three.
- Three?
Congratulations.
Y'all could cheer for that, jeez.
(audience cheering)
They were scared, like, what's
wrong with them?
They've got a sis--
there's a sister wife at home,
isn't there?
That's what's happening.
(audience laughing)
Look I said, that one night
and they went, yeah, she's watching
the kids.
Let's not do that again.
I'm trying.
I try to be healthy.
Like I really am trying.
But I love things like Krispy Kreme.
People who like Krispy Kreme never
cheer for it.
They just make noises, just
like what happened right there.
I say Krispy Kreme.
Nobody goes, yay.
They go,
(groaning)
(audience laughing)
But he did, didn't he?
It was hilarious.
He wasn't even excited.
He was like,
(stammering)
(audience laughing)
If you don't know about Krispy Kreme,
Krispy Kreme's got a light.
Do y'all have the light here that
comes on?
Some of them say "hot and fresh."
Some of them say "hot and now."
That would be the best tattoo ever,
wouldn't it?
Says fresh.
That's a tramp stamp right there.
This is going way downhill.
(audience laughing)
A lot of Krispy Kreme
though, because you get there when
the light comes,
on you see your donuts get cooked
on the belt and get a box.
You get there fast enough,
you can get on the belt
before the cops show up.
(audience laughing)
And back home, you used to want
to sit out in front of the Krispy
Kreme and watch it,
'cause it's like a giant bug zapper
for fat people.
(audience laughing)
Over here!
You can laugh at that.
We did it.
It's like a homing beacon
for my family.