Welcome back to my Dark Corner of this Sick World.
‘Now get undressed’
A direction star of X-Ray, legendary playboy playmate Barbie Benton, was probably used to hearing.
A hospital is a great place to set a horror film,
a place that most people already fear to some degree,
where you’re forced to put faith in those around you and hope they are professionals.
‘What, what was it?’ ‘Don’t you worry baby’
Unfortunately, this is a Cannon film – please subscribe to see our other Cannon reviews –
and in a way that’s all you need to know.
‘What’s going on here?’
Valentine’s Day goes badly for young Harold.
‘It’s from Harold?!’
who can only watch as Susan celebrates with her boyfriend.
‘I’m going to go get some cake’
We keep the cake machete in easy reach of children,
but when Susan returns.
Nineteen years later Susan heads into her local hospital to get the results of a check-up,
leaving her boyfriend, Jack, waiting outside.
‘Isn’t this the hospital where they had that trouble the other year?’
Trouble? Please foreshadow further.
‘Some patient ran amuck or something’
Well I don’t know about that but this is certainly the Hospital of the unnecessarily creepy,
there’s the doctors,
the patients, the orderlies, other doctors other patients...
'Young and pretty on the outside maybe.'
the ghost that haunts the 8th floor.'
and of course the hospital drunk.
'Happy valentines day.'
Any one a candidate for running amuck.
But, fortunately, Susan will be treated by David Bowie.
But before Dr Jacobs there can give Susan her test results,
she is killed and the results replaced.
The body is discovered.
‘It’s Dr Jacobs, someone’s killed her, she’s upside down dead in the cabinet’
prompting a second kill.
Meanwhile, Susan is trapped in the lift for five minutes.
‘Help me!’
then is unable to find Dr Jacobs.
'Dr Jacobs?'
Neither of which she questions, choosing instead to sit in the corridor until nightfall,
boyfriend still out in the car,
before locating an alternative doctor named Harry.
‘Didn’t I see your name on a check-up result?’
Wildly creepy chat-up line.
He looks at her X-rays.
Oh, you’re all messed up.
Then refers her to Dr Saxon, who decides to re-examine her.
Umm… did I really need to be naked for you to take my blood pressure?
'Winning the Halle Berries Swordfish award for flimsily justified nudity.'
'I suggest you re-evaluate the way you look, just a thought.'
But again, the killer hijacks the test results via murder
and, again, the body is discovered forcing that bonus kill,
which is not surprising when you see the level of effort he puts into hiding the bodies.
The false test result concerns Dr Saxon.
‘Is it serious?’
‘Yeah. It might be’
Well, goodnight. If you got any questions I don’t know what you can do about it.
But now Harry locates Dr Jacobs’ original test results.
'What about that.'
Perfect timing as Jack has woken up and come looking for Susan. But....
Okay, I’m not going to sweat the plot here because you know what’s going to happen,
more deaths...
and, spoilers, Harry turns out to be young Harold.
‘Harry’ ‘It’s not Harry. It’s Harold’
'Remember, it's Harold.'
But doesn’t that raise some questions like; why did he refer Susan to Dr Saxon?
Why is he in disguise in the hospital where he works?
After killing the lab tech he replaces Susan’s results and runs out.
Then, seconds later...
'Hey Susie?'
That's Harry, who is he putting on the act for?!
But above all those questions, what is going on with this hospital?
'Can someone help me?'
This isn’t a team effort, it’s just Harry, which means everything else is normal hospital business,
like when Susan and Jack try to leave.
‘Going somewhere?’
Not the bad guy, just a doctor.
And sure, doctors can be dicks but by the time they strap Susan to a trolley...
‘If there is any more of this I'm going to have to operate.'
still unsure if anything is actually wrong with her, there have been 6 deaths, 5 of them hospital staff
and no one has noticed?!
‘Doesn’t make sense’
This is typical Cannon, they look at other films, see what’s popular, what looks cool,
then shove it all in with no regard for sense, story or plausibility,
so that even a doctor dismissing his nurses sounds hilarious.
‘Dora, Kitty, you may go’
'Yes Dr Saxon.'
And you get sequences like Susan hiding from the killer,
well he might spot your legs but there’s nowhere else to go,
well now you’ve done it. Here he comes.
What the hell? If I can just get this lighter back then he won’t know I’m here?
You’re on eye level!
Thank God, because, since he didn’t step on a lighter he definitely won’t look behind the screen
which is the only place someone could hide.
and he doesn’t. And again, this is Cannon;
we need a tense moment, never mind that it doesn’t make sense, or that we repeat it 2 minutes later.
I could go on.
How long was he back there?
None of it adds up.
'Isn't this the hospital they all that trouble with last year?'
Turned out to be foreshadowing nothing but the fact this hospital should be closed.
‘Would you just shut up?’
And think about that opening so clearly inspired by Halloween,
except that killer child Michael Myers was, very believably, put in an institution,
while killer child Harold became a doctor.
‘This is unbearable, I just can’t take any more’
By the end of the film 9 people are dead including Susan’s boyfriend and 5 doctors.
The following morning...
'Mommy!'
Just another day at the hospital. Cannon.
'Comeon get dressed lets go.'
'I don't know where my clothes are, I'll just go as I am.'
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What other hospital based horrors have you enjoyed, good or bad? Let us know in the comments below.
'You better get out of here kiddo, you're going get yourself deloused.'