Hi again.
Well, here I go again on my own, going down
the only road I've ever known.
Like a drifter, I was born to walk alone.
And I've made up my mind.
I ain't wasting no more time.
Hit it!
I'm told we don't have the rights to that song.
Can't do it.
All right.
As you can tell, I've been listening
to a lot of Whitesnake in quarantine.
Love it.
I hope that this is part of your day that you look forward to.
And today I thought I would talk about one
of my favorite parts of the day, maybe
It's yours too, the reason I get out of bed early every morning.
Say it with me, the co-executive producer Zoom meeting.
What?
Hmm, no.
The thing I really look forward to
is when the Amazon truck shows up.
It's like Christmas morning every day.
You never know what it's going to be.
Maybe it's toilet paper that you ordered a month ago
that's been backward.
Maybe it's the bidet that you bought when the toilet
paper was on back order.
[CHUCKLES]
This morning I got a big Amazon delivery
and it gave me an idea for a new game.
It's a game we used to play called "What's in the Box?"
It's something that I'm calling "What's in the Amazon Box?"
What's in the Amazon box?
[MUSIC PLAYING]
[MEOWING SOUND]
tWitch, before we start the game,
I ordered you something and I sent it to Allison
so it would be a surprise.
I thought it would help you pass the time while you're at home.
Allison, please bring tWitch his--
Wow.
Ellen, you really, you really did not have to.
Thank you, Allison.
Thanks for hiding that.
You're welcome.
Thank you so much.
Remember last week tWitch when I had to remind you
that you played the harp.
I remember.
I do remember that.
Yeah.
And you were like, oh, I don't play anything.
And I was like, I just--
you know, I know you're modest, and I
didn't want to harp on it.
[LAUGHTER]
But I know you didn't have one of your own.
I know you've been playing the one at show
whenever you had a chance.
So I hope you like it because I don't know how to return it.
So now that you have your harp, we're going to start the game.
You got that on Amazon, Ellen?
Yeah.
Oh, wow.
Yeah.
It was the cheapest one they had.
All right.
So you remember how it goes.
So I have-- oh, by the way, I didn't buy these.
These were things that my writers
bought to keep me entertained, or they
didn't want to write jokes.
Not important.
The thought that counts.
So tWitch, I have--
so I don't know what's in them.
I have box number one.
[BAD HARP SOUND]
I have box number two.
[BAD HARP SOUND]
God, you're better than I remembered.
And I have box number three.
[BAD HARP SOUND]
[LAUGHTER]
[BAD HARP SOUND]
Oh, boy.
All right.
So, Andy.
Yes ma'am.
I'm going to let you choose.
Which would you like me to open first?
Number one.
[BAD HARP SOUND]
[LAUGHTER]
Never mind.
Number two or number three?
Box number-- let's go with three.
Box number three, Ellen.
OK.
It's Ellen.
OK.
OK, here we go.
That doesn't sound safe whatever you're using.
It's a bread knife.
It's not that--
OK.
All right.
Oh wow.
It's a bunch of fortune cookies, like a whole bunch
of fortune cookies.
All right.
Do you want to know what your fortune says, Andy?
Sure.
All right.
And you know the fortune cookie game.
What?
You're supposed to-- you read it and you're supposed to add--
In bed?
--in bed at the end.
All right.
Let's see if it works.
All right.
I don't know if I should have done that with my mouth.
All right.
These are tiny.
[BAD HARP SOUND]
[LAUGHTER]
All right.
True ideas possess greater ultimate power
than physical might in bed.
Yeah, that's true.
Good one.
[CLAPPING]
tWitch, you choose the next box.
Should it be number one or number two?
I'm gonna go with box number one, Ellen.
All right.
Here we go.
[BAD HARP SOUND]
All right.
Uh-oh.
What?
Uh-oh.
What have we got?
I don't know why I'm being so violent with this.
We have the adult coloring book and the gay adult coloring
book.
I'm gay and an adult. So this is perfect.
All right.
What?
Let's see the gay one first.
OK.
So this is the gay--
here it is.
I don't know if it's gay or just something a woman doesn't
want any part of.
[LAUGHTER]
It's like a rodeo, and there's a guy with no shirt
on, a bunch of guys watching.
This is a clown.
He's not a gay clown in my opinion.
That does not look like--
I've seen gay clowns, and that is not a gay clown.
Where's his horn?
So what makes it gay?
I can't see, but what makes it gay?
There's a guy with no shirt on.
There's a bunch of guys watching.
It just looks like a rodeo to me, but anyway.
Let's see the non-gay one.
Oh my.
What?
Well, this one kind of looks gay except that it
is a man and a woman, but there's a tiger in a harness.
tWitch, I know-- you like these things, don't you?
I do.
I like coloring books.
I'm actually-- I got adult coloring book right now.
Look, let me show you this Missy Elliott piece I'm working on.
Hold on.
Let me show you something.
What?
You see that?
Look.
Boom.
You see that?
Yes.
You know what I mean?
Let me see the front of that.
Let me see-- what kind of coloring book is that?
What-- let me see the cover.
It's called "Color me Hip Hop."
Boom.
"Color Me Hip Hop."
What else have you colored besides Missy Elliott?
Here.
Let me show you.
I'm working on this guy.
Could be Trump, could be not, you know?
Whatever.
[LAUGHTER]
And then also this one.
I love this guy.
Yeah.
That's good.
All right.
So thank you, writers.
All right.
Andy, let's see if you've been paying attention.
Which box should I open next?
Let's open the one you have not opened yet.
You should have one box remaining,
and I believe it's there.
Which one is it?
It is-- I did three.
It is number two, Ellen.
Open box number two.
You are correct.
Thank you.
[BAD HARP SOUND]
You use process of elimination.
[BAD HARP SOUND]
All right.
Ah.
It's a thigh and arm toner.
I don't know what they're trying to say, but--
Is it like that Suzanne Somers thing?
Like the thigh master?
I don't know.
Yeah.
It looks like it might be.
All right.
That's good for the groin.
All right.
So-- I'm not strong enough to open it.
Hold on.
I need to use my thighs to open it.
All right.
Well, I think they want me to put it between my legs
and do that.
Nice try, writers.
[LAUGHTER]
This is probably Troy.
This is, if I'm guessing.
100% Troy.
It says arms, so maybe I could just do that.
Yeah.
Can you hear that?
Yeah.
[SQUEAKING NOISE]
Oh, God.
[LAUGHTER]
Troy was hoping that was going to be done with our thighs
apparently.
Yeah.
Sicko.
All right.
OK.
All right, there's one more box, and I put it outside for you
that I actually ordered for you, Andy.
That is correct.
I just saw it out here.
Yup.
I just spotted it.
Open it up.
I will.
I got you some sunglasses.
It's-- OK.
Be very, very careful.
They're delicate because they're extremely cheap.
OK?
Let's see.
I think that it'd be better without the hat.
Well, I have hat head.
Look.
Let me just go backwards.
How about like that?
It's called hat hair I think, not hat head.
OK.
It doesn't mold your head.
It doesn't matter.
Do you see the glasses?
[LAUGHTER]
I do, and it's pretty.
You're very pretty.
Thank you.
You are, too.
That's enough air time for Andy.
I'm going to talk to tWitch some more.