- Footballers attempt Ninja Warrior! - Starring the Frontmen!
- Five gruelling obstacles... - Against the clock!
- Who will set the fastest time? Me! - Let the challenge begin!
- Zlatan is first! - As I will be in the final results!
- Urgh, he’s such a show-off... - Zlatan will crush this course! In fact, Zlatan is so confident, he will do it blindfolded.
- We’re off! - And so is Zlatan!
- Help! Zlatan can’t swim! - Good grief. - Zlatan can’t swim...
He’s probably taking on a lot of water through those nostrils…
- Zlatan is drowning… - CUT!
- Well that was dreadful... - Zlatan better get cut in the final video - or you’ll both get cut in the next video… with a knife.
- It’s Neymar Junior - the second best footballer I know named Junior... - Blast off!
- ARGH! - Neymar has gone full R.Kelly!
I hope you’re referring to the and not his extra-curricular activities!
If Neymar keeps this tumbling up, he’ll beat the personal best he set in World Cup 2018
- What a landing! - Neymar is clinging-on for dear life!
He’ll feel even more sick after this obstacle than he did when Man Utd knocked him out of the Champions League!
It’s the final chimney climb!
- Incredible! - He’s done it!
Hopefully this head trauma will knock some sense into him when he chooses his next haircut!
Mama, Junior want choc-choc…
- Congratulations Neymar! Though surely you would agree, Mbappe would have done it better! - Junior go night night...
- It’s Gareth Bale! - And he hasn’t cried off injured!
We’re off!
Nah, f*ck that. I’m out of here.
- And he hasn’t even turned up for the interview… - Maybe Gareth just not cut-out to be a Frontman.
More like Gareth is not cut-out to be a footballer...
Mo Salah, loser of the Champions League Final 2018…
Go! We´re off
El tiempo de Salah ahora sería inválido
Guys, I thought we’d sorted all this out! Now will you please, STOP IT!
It’s Marcus Rashford! GO MARCUS! Glory glory man -u!
- Oh no! I think he’s injured himself! - It looks like his back has gone. - But he’s carrying on!
This really is incredible bravery!
Brave but risky! Just like Rio Ferdinand’s decision to not turn up for a drugs test in 2003…
- Surely he can’t make this jump! - Go on marcus! You can do it!
- There's no way... - People have completed this course with worse injuries!
- WORSE? Oh… - MEDIC!
- Unlucky Marcus… - Get well soon...
- You don’t think it’s… COVID19 do you? - What? He’s broken his back! - Phew!
Oh, it’s Antman next… break a leg! Please..
We’re off! It’s a lucky start by Lionel here... Can he even reach the spinning wheels?!
That's a fluke! He gets lucky again! Sh*t!!
It’s onto the vertical ramp! There;s ot a chance little legs will make it up here! Holy sh*t!
Check for wires! Check for wires!
It’s the running log now… DOWN DOWN DOWN DROWN!
Shit He’s made that look easy! Even though SOMEONE covered the log in washing up liquid...
It’s the final obstacle - this is where Lionel normally bottles it... NO! SOMEBODY STOP HIM! SOMEBODY STOP H… SHIT!
- So oh... Lionel… oh sorry, we’re short on time… next! - What?
- Next it’s the greatest of all time! - Looks like he’s doing the commentary…
We’re off! Oh, It’s effortless!
It’s the spinning wheels… SIIII!
The vertical ramp awaits… EASY! I only have to jump… Half my personal best...
Running on logs if for noobs!
And the final obstacle... EASY PEASY!
Let me talk you through the running log, it all boils down to thigh power…
That is a written warning!
- Robert Lewandowski! - HY- YA! Ninja Warrior wins! HAHA!
See! Hilarious visual jokes like this are why you should have picked me, not Mr. Lewanboreski! Frontman?
- NEXT! - Scheisse
- It’sTEEMU PUKKU! - Go! It’s a quick start! - He’s gone!
So, Tywin Lannister, you’re making quite a habit of going down without a fight this season... HA!
- It’s Erling Haaland now... - And we’re off! - That’s some big strides!
- The spinning wheels… - STANDING LONG JUMP!
He does hold the junior world record for the standing long jump after all!
Pah! Pathetic! He couldn’t even get the air to make that jump!
- This is going to be a fast time! - Wow! Unlike me in the bedroom, he didn’t even touch the sides!
He’s done it!
Erling, well done. The question is… how much do you want a week?
- It’s Troy Parrot next! - Seriously, who voted this guy into The Frontmen?
- My left testicle has achieved more in football than him! - And we’re off!
- Holy sh*t! - He’s literally flown through obstacle 1
- And the spinning wheels too! - This parrot has the strongest leg muscles I’ve ever seen!
I call bullsh*t!
- He’s onto the vertical ramp… - The parrot must be tiring by now, surely...
Clearly not! And stop calling me Shirley
- This is bullsh*t! - And he’s down the rolling log!
- BOO! You’re not ready for this! You’re not ready! - Classic reverse psychology from his personal trainer there!
And now for the final obstacle chimney climb! He’s gone for it!
He's on the way up! He’s made it!
Excuse me mr. Parrot! There will be no cheating on my show!
- No! - This isn’t Serie A in the early 2000s!
Yes! Hahaha
And if you cheat like that again next week Troy Parrot, we’ll be auditioning for a new Frontman!
- And the results are in! - The winner of the ninja challenge is…
Erling Haaland?! You’re shitting me
YES! Time to interview the winner and hottest young thing in world football!
- Er, sorry, we’re out of time! - What?
- See you next time on… - The Frontmen
- AND CUT! - That was sh*t...
- Oh, FFS, we forgot to say we want 60k likes - Sh*t!
- Oh FFS! And we didn’t ask what the audience want to see next week... - Double sh*t!
And why did you say we’re out of time, this isn’t live?
Shut up Erling. And if you dare win again next week, we’ll be auditioning for a new frontman!
- You’ll fire me?! - No! I’ll QUIT!