NOW, YOU'VE COME ON A GREAT NIGHT BECAUSE THE WHOLE SHOW IS
BUZZING TONIGHT.
REGULAR VIEWERS WILL KNOW THAT WE HAVE A SEGMENT THAT WE'VE
TRIED TO DO ON THE SHOW MANY TIMES AND FOR ONE REASON OR
ANOTHER SOMETHING HAS HAPPENED AND WE'VE NEVER QUITE BEEN ABLE
TO PULL IT OFF.
BUT WE'RE NOT GOING TO GIVE UP, BECAUSE I TRULY BELIEVE, AND I
SAY THIS WITH COMPLETE HUMILITY, IT'S THE BEST THING TO HAPPEN TO
LATE NIGHT TELEVISION.
THAT'S A FACT.
YEAH, THANK YOU, SIR.
IN FACT, WHENEVER WE DO THIS IN REHEARSAL, EVERYONE SAYS EXACTLY
THE SAME THING.
THEY SAY, "JAMES, THIS IS THE BEST THING TO HAPPEN TO LATE
NIGHT TELEVISION."
( LAUGHTER ) I GO I COULDN'T EVER SAY THAT
BUT YOU CAN.
THEY SAY YOU'RE A GREAT BOSS.
I GO DON'T CALL ME A BOSS WE'RE FRIENDS.
THAT'S SORT OF WHAT IT'S LIKE HERE.
LAUG( LAUGHTER ) WELL, WORD MUST HAVE GOTTEN OUT
BECAUSE SOME OF THE WORLD'S BIGGEST COMPANIES HAVE BEEN
CLAMORING TO SPONSOR THE PIECE.
LOCKHEED-MARTIN.
MONSANTO.
ALTOIDS.
ALL THE GIANTS.
ANYWAY, I'M HAPPY TO SAY, WE FINALLY REACHED AN AGREEMENT
AND JUST IN TIME, TOO, BECAUSE...
I THINK YOU KNOW WHAT I'M GOING TO SAY.
CAN YOU FEEL IT, REG?
I'M ABSOLUTELY BUZZING.
YOU KNOW WHAT I'M GOING TO SAY.
I SMELL A GOOD TIME, YOU SMELL A GOOD TIME, IT'S TIME FOR
CELEBRITY NOSES!
BROUGHT TO YOU BY MCDONALDS ALL-NEW, ALL-DAY BREAKFAST MENU.
EXPHEERPZ WHETHER YOU'RE UP AT THE CRACK
OF DAWN OR THE CRACK OF NOON, THERE'S NO BETTER WAY TO START
YOUR DAY.
WHAT DO YOU SAY...
I JUST MAY...
HEY, HEY, HEY...
YOU AIN'T CRAY...
THAN A TRIP TO THE GOLDEN ARCHES.
FROM MCGRIDDLES.
TO MCMUFFINS TO MCWHATEVER YOUR HEART DESIRES!
YOU DON'T NEED TO BE A CELEBRITY TO KNOW MCDONALDS ALL-DAY
BREAKFAST MENU IS HERE.
SOME OF THESE NOSES -- >> JAMES, YOU HAVE TO SING THE
JINGLE.
>> JAMES: I'M NOT GOING TO SING THE JINGLE!
>> YOU HAVE TO SING THE JINGLE.
>> JAMES: FINE!
YUM, YUM, YUM!
GIMME, GIMME SOME... MCDONALDS!
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
>> YOU HAVE TO SING IT AT THE END OF THE COMMERCIAL.
>> JAMES: I DID SING IT AT THE END OF THE COMMERCIAL!
>> NO YOU DIDN'T.
>> JAMES: NOBODY CARES IF WE SPOKE IN BETWEEN!
>> OUR SPONSOR DOES.
>> JAMES: FINE!
FINE!
I'LL DO IT.
I SMELL A GOOD TIME, YOU SMELL A GOOD TIME, IT'S TIME FOR
CELEBRITY NOSES!
BROUGHT TO YOU BY MCDONALDS ALL-NEW, ALL-DAY BREAKFAST MENU.
WHETHER YOU'RE UP AT THE CRACK OF DAWN OR THE CRACK OF NOON
THERE'S NO BETTER WAY TO START YOUR DAY.
WHAT DO YOU SAY...
I JUST MAY...
HEY, HEY, HEY...
YOU AIN'T CRAY...
THAN A TRIP TO THE GOLDEN ARCHES.
FROM MCGRIDDLES TO MCMUFFINS TO MCWHATEVER YOUR HEART DESIRES!
YOU DON'T NEED TO BE A CELEBRITY TO KNOW MCDONALDS ALL-DAY
BREAKFAST MENU IS HERE.
YUM, YUM, YUM!
GIMME, GIMME SOME MCDONALDS!
NOW, WE ALL KNOW CELEBRITIES HAVE NOSES, BUT--
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> JAMES, YOU HAVE TO BITE THE
MCMUFFIN.
>> JAMES: WHAT?
>> YOU HAVE TO BITE THE MCMUFFIN.
>> JAMES: BUT I'M ON A CLEANSE!
>> BITE THE MCMUFFIN.
>> James: OKAY.
ACTUALLY QUITE GOOD.
RIGHT, SO WE ALL KNOW CELEBRITIES--
>> YOU HAVE TO BITE THE MCMUFFIN AT THE END OF THE JINGLE.
>> JAMES: YOU'VE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME.
WE'RE RUNNING OUT OF TIME!
FINE.
YUM, YUM, YUM!
GIMME, GIMME SOME!
MCDONALDS!
NOW, ALL NOSES -- >> YOU HAVE TO DO THE COMMERCIAL
FIRST.
>> JAMES: WHAT?
>> YOU HAVE TO DO THE COMMERCIAL FIRST.
>> YOU CANNOT BE SERIOUS!
I'VE GOT ALL THESE NOSES...
I SMELL A GOOD TIME, YOU SMELL A GOOD TIME, IT'S TIME FOR
CELEBRITY NOSES!
BROUGHT TO YOU BY MCDONALDS ALL-NEW, ALL-DAY BREAKFAST MENU.
WHETHER YOU'RE UP AT THE CRACK OF DAWN OR THE CRACK OF NOON,
THERE'S NO BETTER WAY TO START YOUR DAY.
WHAT DO YOU SAY...
I JUST MAY...
HEY, HEY, HEY...
YOU AIN'T CRAY...
THAN A TRIP TO THE GOLDEN ARCHES.
FROM MCGRIDDLES.
TO MCMUFFINS TO MCWHATEVER YOUR HEART DESIRES!
YOU DON'T NEED TO BE A CELEBRITY TO KNOW MCDONALDS ALL-DAY
BREAKFAST MENU IS HERE.
YUM, YUM, YUM!
GIMME, GIMME SOME MCDONALDS!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) NOW, ALL CELEBRITIES HAVE NOSES.
SOME NOSES ARE MORE FAMILIAR -- >> JAMES, CLOWN MAKEUP.
>> JAMES: WHAT?
>> YOU WERE NOT WEARING CLOWN MAKEUP.
>> JAMES: I'M NOT GOING TO DO THE CLOWN MAKE-UP.
I SAID I WOULDN'T DO IT.
NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES.
YOU SAID YOU WERE GOING TO TALK TO THEM ABOUT IT!
>> IT'S NON-NEGOTIABLE.
>> JAMES: WHAT DO YOU MEAN IT'S NON-NEGOTIABLE?
I'M TELLING YOU RIGHT NOW, I WILL NOT BE WEARING CLOWN
MAKE-UP.
THIS IS MY SHOW.
IT'S MY NAME ON ALL THE SIGNS AND I MAKE THE CALLS.
NO CLOWN MAKE-UP.
>> CLOWN MAKEUP.
>> JAMES: RIGHT, WELL I DON'T HAVE ANY MAKE-UP ANYWAY SO JUST
GIVE THE MONEY BACK.
>> CLOWN MAKEUP.
>> JAMES: ARE YOU SERIOUS?
>> ALWAYS.
>> JAMES: THIS IS INSANE!
THIS IS -- ( LAUGHTER )
I NEVER THOUGHT I'D SAY THIS -- I'VE GOT HALF A MIND TO NOT EVEN
DO THE GAME ANYMORE, BUT I CARE ABOUT THE FANS TOO MUCH TO DO
THAT-- THERE YOU GO
>> AND THE NOSE.
( LAUGHTER ) >> AND THE WIG.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> JAMES: ARE YOU HAPPY?
>> VERY.
>> JAMES: ALL RIGHT?
NOW.
CAN I GET ON WITH IT?
I SMELL A GOOD TIME, YOU SMELL A GOOD TIME, IT'S TIME FOR
CELEBRITY NOSES!
BROUGHT TO YOU BY MCDONALDS ALL-NEW, ALL-DAY BREAKFAST MENU.
WHETHER YOU'RE UP AT THE CRACK OF DAWN OR THE CRACK OF NOON,
THERE'S NO BETTER WAY TO START YOUR DAY.
WHAT DO YOU SAY...
I JUST MAY...
HEY, HEY, HEY...
YOU AIN'T CRAY...
THAN A TRIP TO THE GOLDEN ARCHES.
FROM MCGRIDDLES TO MCMUFFINS TO MCWHATEVER YOUR HEART DESIRES!
YOU DON'T NEED TO BE A CELEBRITY TO KNOW MCDONALDS ALL-DAY
BREAKFAST MENU IS HERE.
YUM, YUM, YUM!
GIMME, GIMME SOME MCDONALDS!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ALL CELEBRITIES HAVE NOSES --
>> WE'RE OUT OF TIME.
CUT TO BREAK.
>> James: NO, NO!
DO NOT GO TO COMMERCIAL!
NO!
>> CUT TO COMMERCIAL.