- [Tom] Like what were the conditions,
we talk about changing the individual like, what were the,
and don't tell the same rote story you tell all the time,
what were the conditions of the origin
that truly like made you take the first step?
[Zubin] So it's 2009 and you know like,
nearly a decade into what was,
in my mind at that point, my life.
This is what I am.
I'm a hospital doctor at Stanford,
working for a big multi-specialty group,
I teach, I do this, identity, identity, this is my thing.
I was so bored in my time off
because I was on shifts basically,
when I wasn't charting an Epic,
I was so bored that I was picking up stupid hobbies like
audio gear, like high end stereo gear,
and just becoming neurotic about it,
all this energy going into this stupid useless hobby
that brought me no joy, just brought me anxiety.
And then at work I was watching everything fall apart,
more and more computer, less and less teaching,
less and less mentorship and shamanism
and more of just click, click, click, click, algorithm.
But I think I had deceived myself enough that
that was how it is.
Oh I do this for another 15, 20 years then I retire,
then I'll be happy.
Or that's just what you do, this is just life,
you work, the harder you work the happier you are right?
But none of that was really falling into place,
I had my kids and that changed everything a little bit,
but I found myself reading books about string theory
in my spare time because I was like,
what's the meaning of everything? (laughs)
Everything seems empty like,
I'm doing all of this but I don't even understand
what all this is.
So when that starts happening you start to wonder like
what's going on in general.
Then I made the mistake, this was the thing,
so I don't often tell this story publicly,
so Tony Hsieh, the guy who runs Zappos,
had just written a book called Delivering Happiness,
about his experience with building a culture at Zappos.
He had gone to school, to Harvard with my wife,
so they knew each other and I knew him and so on.
And we were in Las Vegas one Thanksgiving,
Las Vegas of all places, we lived in the Bay area.
And he invited us over for Thanksgiving dinner
or something like that.
So we went with our one year old daughter, Nina at the time,
or two years old and said,
and he was radiating this kind of joy
about all the things that were gonna happen, like,
I made a billion dollars, I have this amazing company,
we're gonna transform Las Vegas,
we're gonna do all this,
this is my calling, this is my path, this is what I do.
And I remember he looked at me, he was like,
so how's everything at Stanford, must be cool,
your parents must really be proud of you
and this and that, you must be really happy.
And I remember that was the first time someone asked me,
oh you must be really happy,
and I'm like, I had to sit there and go,
and I remember it just came out, I was like,
no I'm not happy at all (laughs),
I've never really even been asked that.
I'm doing what I'm suppose to do,
I'm not happy at all, this feels so wrong.
This profession that I thought was my calling
is falling into this chaos and I myself am not the person
that they think that I'm supposed to be.
And I remember I just, I go, what do I do? (laughs)
I'm looking at this guy, he's like a billionaire,
I don't know him that well, I'm just like,
sitting at the table, what do I do?
And he's like, what do you want to do?
And I'm like, if I'm being honest
I'm really good at teaching and making people laugh
and I don't know,
I would probably put videos up on YouTube
or do something stupid like that.
And he said, then why don't you just do that?
And I remember going, okay that's just dumb,
you don't make money doing that,
I have all these expectations,
I can't be a doctor and do that.
We flew back to the Bay area,
for the next three months,
I went into a depression like it was,
'cuz it had been held off by years of self-deception,
like oh you know if I just get a bigger, nicer car,
we get the house, I have kids I'll be happy,
maybe if I become partner I'll be happy,
okay now I'm making a lot of money,
I'm happy now right, no.
Okay I'll get better speakers
and then I'll have beautiful music in my life, no!
Fuck, three months of just suicidal depression, like,
my wife was so worried about me
because I would just come to bed at like two in the morning,
just like dragging and just detached and miserable.
And I think she suspected it because of the visit with Tony
where I was like, I'm not happy at all,
and it all just unraveled.
And that, I remember the night, it was like,
right before my birthday, 2010, beginning of the decade.
I was like fuck it.
I went online I created a Twitter account,
what names are available, "ZDoggMD"?
No one has that.
I went through a bunch of different,
"placebo" this that, nothing.
@Zdoggmd was available.
I now have the Twitter account,
I now have the Facebook account,
I now have the YouTube account.
Okay let me upload it, video you know.
Graduation speech, colon video,
graduation speech had been up under a different name,
I re-uploaded it and the next thing I know, I was like,
you knew it right away I was like,
even if there's like, it got 200 views or something.
Like this is the end of this phase of my life,
I don't know what's gonna happen and I was deluded.
To be honest that was delusional thinking,
how can that be?
Some idiot Stanford doctor puts a dumb ass video on YouTube
and says to himself,
clearly I'll never forget what I told myself, I was like,
this is the beginning of something transformative.
And I don't know where it ends
but I know this is it, I know it, I know it.
And it turned out to be true.
And ever since then, it's been nonstop like,
doing generally what I feel called to do
and when I don't, I feel it, I feel it,
I start to really get depressed or burned out
and then I have to adjust course
but having the awareness now to go,
oh this is not me I'm not doing this anymore,
I've had phone calls dude with people
that want something from me,
and I told them to f**k themselves, on a phone call,
because it felt like I'm being pulled back into this,
now maybe that's an overreaction
but that's where I've gotten now.
And it took me a decade after unplugging from that matrix
to be able to do that and people are like,
oh you know you're lucky you were able to do it
because you have this talent and that talent,
I don't have shit,
all I had was the ability to stand up and say,
you know what I'm not afraid, sorry, I'm terrified,
I'm not gonna let the terror stop me from doing
what I know I feel intuitively is right.
And so that's all it is, that's what I tell people too,
you know the right answer why are you asking me for advice?
You know what the answer is, you're just afraid of it.
And even now if you ask me, what are the next 10 years,
I'm probably terrified of what the answer is right?
'Cuz maybe it's something crazy right?
But that's how it has to be.
Did that answer the question, I don't know.