>> Stephen: THE GREATEST BAND ON TELEVISION RIGHT THERE,
"THE LATE SHOW" BRINGING OUT HOT AND HEAVY EVERY NIGHT.
WE HAVE A COUPLE OF THINGS, WE HAVE TWO JUST FANTASTIC ACTORS
IN JUST A MOMENT, WOODY HARRELSON AND
JUSTIN THEROUX! THEY HAVE A NEW SHOW CALLED
"THE WHITE HOUSE PLUMBERS." "THE WHITE HOUSE PLUMBERS," YOU
GUYS ARE NOT OLD ENOUGH, YOU GUYS WEREN'T BORN WHEN WATERGATE
WAS HAPPENING, WERE YOU? BEFORE '74?
NO, I STILL LIKE YOU. [APPLAUSE]
I WATCHED IT EVERY DAY. I USED TO WATCH BECAUSE IT CAME
ON IN THE AFTERNOON LIKE I WOULD COME HOME FROM SCHOOL AND IT WAS
LIKE 3:00, 3:30 AND NORMALLY I WOULD WATCH "THE BEVERLY
HILLBILLIES" "THE MONSTERS" OR "THE THREE STOOGES" BUT IT WAS
THE GIANT EYEBROWS. AND I JUST WANT EVERYBODY TO
KNOW IF YOU ARE OUT THERE AND YOU HAVE THE ABILITY TO HAVE A
COMPUTER, BECAUSE "THE LATE SHOW" IS NOMINATED FOR THREE
WEBBY AWARDS. BEST COMEDY SOCIAL PLATFORM,
"THE LATE SHOW," AND BEST CELEBRITY SOCIAL, RIGHT HERE.
HERE IS THE WEBBY. DO WE HAVE THE THING, YOU GO TO
THAT. YOU TAKE A PHOTO OF THAT, AND
YOU GO TO THE INTERNET AND YOU DO THE THING, THAT VOTES FOR THE
THINGS THAT WE GET THE THING. PLEASE DO THE THING.
IT'S YOUR THING, DO WHAT YOU WANT TO DO.
OKAY. FOLKS, I SPEND MOST OF MY TIME
OVER THERE IN THE NEWS BURY, STEEPING AND MALTING THE MOST
TOPICAL NEWS BARLEY, KILNING IT TO 4% MOISTURE, MASHING IT AND
ADDING THE NEWSIEST STORY HOPS AND TOP-CROPPING YEAST THEN
FERMENTING IT AT 64 DEGREES FOR 3 WEEKS TO BREW THE FULL-BODIED
YET ZESTY BESPOKE CRAFT BEER THAT IS MY MONOLOGUE.
BUT SOMETIMES I FALL OUT OF THE CEILING IN AN ABANDONED HIGH
SCHOOL AND SOAK A DIRTY GYM SOCK IN A BROKEN BLEACH BOTTLE FILLED
WITH STORM DRAIN WATER SO I CAN KEG STAND THE HOBO SWILL OF NEWS
THAT IS MY SEGMENT: MEANWHILE, [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
MEANWHILE... IN SCIENCE NEWS, "MALE
CONTRACEPTION COULD BE EDGING CLOSER, THANKS TO A NEW GENETIC
DISCOVERY." AND JUST SO WE'RE CLEAR,
"EDGING" IS A TERRIBLE METHOD OF CONTRACEPTION.
THE CONTRACEPTION MEDICATION WORKED IN MICE BY TARGETING "A
GENE THAT'S ONLY EXPRESSED IN THE TESTICLES" WHICH CAUSED
"DELETERIOUS MUTATIONS TO 98% OF THE SPERM WHICH HAD
ABNORMALITIES IN THEIR HEADS AND MID-PIECES, RENDERING THEM
UNABLE TO FERTILIZE AN EGG." ANOTHER GUARANTEED FORM OF
CONTRACEPTION? USING THE PHRASE "DELETERIOUS
SPERM MUTATIONS" OVER DINNER. MEANWHILE, A SPANISH CLIMBER HAS
LEFT A CAVE AFTER 500 DAYS IN ISOLATION.
OR, TECHNICALLY, "ITHO-LA-THION."
HER ADVENTURE WAS PART OF A STUDY ABOUT TIME SPENT
UNDERGROUND, IN A PROJECT CALLED 'TIME-CAVE.'
WHICH IS ALSO THE TITLE OF MY NEW LIMITED SERIES
SERIES CO-STARRING JEAN-CLAUDE VAN DAMME ON PARAMOUNT PLUS.
"TIMECAVE: THE ALGORITHM SAID YOU'D WATCH."
MEANWHILE, EVERYONE IS TOTALLY FINE, BUT IN NORTH CAROLINA
"THIS 13 YEAR OLD BOY GOT TRAPPED INSIDE A CLAW MACHINE."
THEY WOULD HAVE FREED HIM, BUT HIS PARENTS RAN OUT OF QUARTERS.
[LAUGHTER] MEANWHILE, DUE TO A FAILED
JALAPENO CROP, A SRIRACHA SHORTAGE IS LOOMING.
YES, I KNOW, IT IS BAD. MEANING SRIRACHA COULD SOON BE
AS HARD TO FIND AS IT IS TO SPELL.
OH, YOU THINK YOU CAN? JIMMY, BLUR IT.
GO HEAD. TRY.
S-R-I-A- THERE'S A C SOMEWHERE, BUT YOU'LL NEVER FIND IT--
YOU'RE LOST IN A TIME CAVE OF CONSONANTS!
REALLY, APPLAUSE. MEANWHILE, IN LOCAL NEWS, NEW
YORK IS NOW RANKED AS THE WEALTHIEST CITY ON THE PLANET.
YES, NEW YORK IS SO RICH AND LUXURIOUS THAT WHEN THE SUBWAY
CREEPS FLASH THEIR MEAT, IT'S WAGYU.
[LAUGHTER] I WANT TO POINT OUT IN MY
DEFENSE, I WANT TO POINT OUT IN REHEARSAL, THE GUY WAS FACING
AWAY FROM THE CAMERA. AND WE DID NOT SEE ANY OF THE
RUPERT MURDOCH STUFF GOING ON. I'M SO SORRY.
MEANWHILE BAGELS, AKA: BUSINESS DONUTS.
THERE'S A MAJOR NEW FOOD INNOVATION HERE IN THE CITY:
"BEHOLD THE STUFFED-CRUST BAGEL, IT'S THE CREATION OF
PHILADELPHIA CREAM CHEESE AND NEW YORK CITY BAGEL SHOP H&H
BAGELS. IT'S THE BIGGEST NEW YORK
CITY-PHILADELPHIA MASHUP SINCE GRITTY JOINED THE ROCKETTES.
MEANWHILE, IN DOGGIE DOPPELGANGER NEWS, THE INTERNET
IS HEAD OVER HEELS OVER A VIRAL PUP WHO IS A DEAD RINGER FOR
SNOOPY. ISN'T THAT BEAUTIFUL?
WHAT'S NOT QUITE AS CUTE IS HOW MUCH HIS OWNER LOOKS LIKE
CHARLIE BROWN. WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH JUSTIN
THEROUX AND WOODY HARRELSON. [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]