If you're looking for a pet that won't respect you at all,
you can't go wrong with a cat.
Uh, there's a lot of competition,
but we found the most passive-aggressive cat.
(indistinct voices on TV)
SPADE: Well... I love... Look at him.
-MAN: Baxter. -SPADE: He does the blinds.
(laughter)
ROSS: Wow.
SPADE: He does... Now he goes...
-(laughter) -SPADE: (bleep) you and (bleep) you.
-(laughter, applause, cheering) -Wow.
-Yeah. -He's a (bleep).
He's pretty cool.
-Like... -I mean, it-it's funny now, but the second
that cat touches a thermostat,
-I'm buying a cat-sized microwave. -(laughter, groaning)
-I feel like all microwaves are cat-sized. -What?!
Dave, that's the rudest pussy I've ever seen,
and I'm sitting next to Annie here.
(laughter, groaning, applause)
-(bleep) you! (bleep) you! -Yeah.
(applause and cheering)
How bad does this guy smell that the cat's opening the window?
(laughter)
A dog would never do this. Like, the most
disrespectful thing a dog would do is pretend
it doesn't like peanut butter, you know?
(laughter)
That's good.
All right, let's leave the cat stories for the local news.
Uh, MIT scientists released a video
of mini robots playing a game of soccer.
-ROSS: Wow. -This is fun.
(people chattering, laughing)
(laughter)
That looks like a Will Smith movie.
-(laughter) -It looked... it looked sort of terrifying.
Brad, is that scary, 'cause they're bigger than you?
-(laughter) -Hey, listen,
they say robots are gonna take our jobs.
They're never gonna take our jobs.
Can a robot do this?
Can the robot do this, everybody?
(cheering, applause)
-(laughter, whooping) -Oh!
Do that!
Can a robot do that shit?
-Oh, my God. -Mind blown.
That was amazing.
-Can a robot do that shit? -(laughter)
I feel like I've seen these at Sharper Image.
I'm pretty sure I lost my virginity to one of those.
-(laughter) -BRAD: They've al... they've already had
their first sports scandal-- one of the robots
-tested positive for WD-40. -SPADE: Aw, that's horrible!
The other groped a Roomba. Like, it's sad, it's sad.
-That's really bad. -By the way, Robot Cheetahs
is the name of the strip club in The Mandalorian.
(laughter)
-SPADE: Fine. -Why are M.I.T. guys
inventing things that are gonna get more pussy than them?
(laughter, groans)
I bet you... now that you said that,
these can probably suck a dick, let's be honest.
-There's no way... -Only one way to find out!
(whooping, applause)
They're already making more money
than the women's national team. That's horrible.
-Horrible. -(laughter, groans)
Um, the CMA Awards were last night,
and Lil Nas X called it
the awards show version of Get Out.
(laughter)
Oh, Carrie Underwood changed nine times.
I thought I peed in my pants a lot.
Can she wear a courtesy diaper? They're filming.
He has, like, the biggest hit ever.
He's dressed like he gets his clothes at Brokeblack Mountain.
(laughter)
I think... it makes sense to have a gay guy
with country music now, 'cause they have so much in common,
like sequins, fringe,
leather...
boots in their ass, things in your ass in general.
(laughter)
I mean, and look, Lil Nas X was there. He killed it.
He was sitting in the "one of the good ones" section.
-(laughter) -Ooh.
What? Darius Rucker was there. He had company.
(laughter)
He made an emotional speech, actually,
and he thanked his grandfather, Malcolm.
(laughter)
-Lil Malcolm X? -Lil Malcolm X.
All right, a plastic surgery addict
known as "The Human David Spade"--
that can't be his name--
"The Human Ken Doll" had his, uh, fake six-pack...
-Ooh! -Oh, it is me.
He had his abs... fake six-pack abs removed
and put in his butt, for real.
I thought they were put in his pants. Look at that.
-What is that? -That has to be a fake.
-No one has that wiener. -(laughter)
Now, those are some balls I'd like to see, actually.
He looks like one of Jeff Dunham's puppets
that's transitioning.
(laughter, groans)
-I like that. -It's... it's just weird
that he got the same... he got the same abs put into...
I just thought gays these days were, like, more, you know,
-protective of what they put in their butts. -(laughter)
He put his ab... ab implants in his butt?
-Yeah. -Yeah, I guess the fat from...
How do you build that up? You have to do shit-ups?
(laughter, applause)
-That is the medical term. -Listen...
They have so many Barbies now.
They got Malibu Ken, Cowboy Ken,
-that's Chernobyl Ken. -(laughter)
Listen, I just think, as an environmentalist,
I'm worried there's so much plastic by the ocean.
-That's not... okay. -SPADE: Yeah. -(laughter)
That's gonna kill a sea turtle!
This is the poster for the new Joker movie.