When I was a small kid, I always identified more with boys. I always kind of felt more like a boy.
*quiet ambient music* *train going across tracks*
I'm Chemda, I live in New York, I was raised here. I'm a podcaster.
I'm Keith Malley, co-host of Keith and The Girl.
A podcast that's been going on for nine years. We do it everyday, 5 days a week.
And Chemda's my co-host.
Chemda and I dated before we did the podcast. We started the podcast, we end up realizing we're not great for each other.
Chemda and I would break up and then she would start seeing Lauren.
And part of it would make me think "Okay, the relationship not working out wasn't my fault at all, she's with a woman what choice or chance did I have?"
And then you find out you know Lauren's really a man. And then you think like oh she's being a man better than I'm being a man apparently.
I'm a guy. I don't wanna be a guy, I just am guy. I didn't wanna like girls, I just do like girls.
*ambient music*
I can remember when I first was told by Lauren that she was transgendered. And you can't help but wonder "Are you confused?"
"Do you just like hanging out with guys better?" Because women can be a pain in a** sometimes, you know I get it.
Or I wonder if there is something in my body, like some sort of gonads or some remnants of something
Like male or some like miniature balls tucked up in my ovaries or something that makes me have that feeling and connection, I don't know.
I'm also a minority in the trans community. I'm a trans person that has chosen not to pass, you know as my gender in society.
And I think that's important too. You know, I don't think you should have to transition.
My future office.
I am a male trying to make it as an actress in New York City. So that is a different scenario.
You know people don't know where to place me really as an artist or an actor. They enjoy my work, you know a lot of casting directors are like "I don't really know what to do with you, you know."
It was tough for me to pursue female roles as somebody who's trans when I didn't know I was trans because I was trying to fit this mold of a female that I conjured in my head.
I felt like I was in drag. And I felt like I was putting on this character of a female and of a woman and people can sense that you know.
And it's been a journey for me feeling comfortable with allowing myself to be you know one thing or the other.
Discovering the word transgendered has freed me because now I know I'm not mentally ill.
Not many people know about transgender. Because Lauren and I just learned what trans was not even five years ago and you're talking about an actual trans person.
I'm learning about this also, what that means and so we talk about it openly on the show. Does some of my audience get turned off, do they get a little squeamish? Yeah, I don't care. I don't care.
Maybe I heard the word but I didn't know anybody personally for sure. You talk to her you know. I do it now, I do it still all this time. I'm supposed to be saying he, he.
Of course it feels good when people call me by male pronouns because I feel identified. Even if I know they're trying it.
Or if they do it she/he, he/she thing. I appreciate it every single time.
She's, he's the real deal.
We're taught the sex and gender are the same but they're not.
Okay, she's not really a lesbian experience. I don't feel like a lesbian. I don't know what you're supposed to feel when you are a lesbian.
Do you know what I mean? I don't feel straight, I don't feel like a lesbian, I don't feel bisexual.
I don't know what the laws of attraction are or were but they are here and I'm really happy to be in this relationship.
*ambient chime music* *city noises*
*Lauren walking and putting chairs away*