-I'm actually a little bit scared for this one, Gav.
-Why?
-Cause we have Michael here...
-What?
-Come on! You have a devious mind.
-It's not that bad. -You're gonna make me, like, murder something.
-I'm not gonna make you murder anything!
-Alright, Michael since you're our special guest...would you like to start?
-Oh, you want me to start? -Go for it.
-No, I'll be gentle. This is a good one; you don't have to eat anything,
...no murder, no one's gonna die. -Okay.
-Million dollars, but... -Lotta money.
-But,every time you fart, you need to stop
...waft it into your own face, and smell it.
...for, like, 4 seconds.
-No matter what you're doing. -Visibly?!
-Visibly, yeah.
-You're at the bank, there's people behind you...
-You're like, "sorry guys, hold on...oh [sniff], yeah."
-Not even like that like [fart] "Oh, yeah yeah."
-Can you not control when you fart? -I mean, you can hold it.
-Like, it's like a normal fart, you know. You can hold it if you want
-You're like "oh, I gotta sniff it, I gotta sniff it if I fart...
...I don't want to but I have to sniff it...this is like, my father's funeral"
-You know, and you're just standing up there.
-You're like, you're giving the eulogy and you're like "I gotta fart so bad, oh my god."
-Like for instance, what if you're asleep?
-What happens then? -Ohhh, I think...
-Is...Is it just in your dream? -Cause you fart all the time in your sleep.
-Yeah, I don't know.
-I guess you just wake up in the middle of the night.
-Your fart wakes you up. So that's, that's another thing.
-That'd be brutal. -It could ruin your sleep schedule.
-Alright, million bucks, every time you fart you gotta smell it for 4 seconds dramatically...
-I'll take it. I'll absolutely take that.
-I don't know, I value being able to fart sometimes, like, discreetly.
-I'd do it. -I don't wanna do it, but it's a million bucks. How can I turn down a million bucks?
-I like that you almost didn't do it not because of the embarrassment,
-but just because you like the value of farting and not anyone knowing.
-It's really important to me, Michael. It's really important. -Did you look around and going like...
-"I did it, and no one knows. Can't put a price on that."
[Laughing]
-Alright, you get a million dollars.
-Lotta money.
-But every time you cut yourself, all of your blood comes out.
-You die?! -You don't die, you basically in one second regenerate all the blood you lost.
-But pretty much every time you nick the skin and bleed...
-...one and a half gallons of blood comes out. [laughs]
-So like, you'd just randomly be like, typing at your desk, get a nose bleed, it's just like.
[Exploding noises]
-"Ohhh my god."
-There'll be news reports like "If you want to do anything to help out the situation, you can go down to your local blood center and donate blo-
-...oh no wait, you know what, Michael's here. Never mind. We're good. We're good."
-We got sharp stuff.
-It, like, if I cut my hand for instance...
-and I get a gash in it, then all my blood goes out through the gash.
-But if I get, like, a paper cut, a tiny little paper cut
-Is it super high pressure? -Yeah. -Like, do I have to wait it out?
-Yeah, it'd be like a compression hose; sprays everywhere. [squirting noises]
-Do you ever get that thing where you've taken too many dumps in a day? -Go ahead...
-And, sort of, on like say your 4th dump
-And you wipe and there's like a little bit of blood because your anus is just getting raw. -Yeah.
-It'll just be like [squirting noises] -Like, plundering the toilet with blood.
-Overflowing with blood.
-Dude, shaving would be, like, the most precise operation of my day.
-If you got the tiniest little nick... -Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck
-You'd have to repaint the bathroom.
-I'm not gonna do it. I can't do it. I can't predict when I'm gonna get cut.
-Yeah. -It'd ruin too much stuff!
-Yeah, I can't do it either. -I would do it.
-Here's mine for this week.
-You get a million dollars, -Lotta money.
-Do whatever you want to with it, spend it how you like...
-But,
-For the rest of your life, any time you sneeze, you teleport somewhere in the world.
[laughing] -Just one random place.
-Just anywhere? -Just anywhere.
-..what if you like, you sneeze and you end up somewhere awesome.
-You know, like you're in Paris. And you're like, "Oh my god! This is great!"
-You sneeze again and you wind up in the fucking Amazon somewhere, and you're just running around
-Tickling your nose with leaves, trying to sneeze.
-Get me out! Take me back home!
-Could be anything, you could be like, talking to a girl.
-And you've been working this girl for a long time, and she's finally getting into talking to you...
-And you sneeze: BAM. -So not only do you ditch out,
-You cover her in spray as well.
-So she's lonely and wet.
-What if you sneezed your way onto a different date, with a different girl?
-Like, just a woman in Italy who's just eating on her own.
-And she just goes with it? She's like, "screw it!"
-She's like "I was eating alone, but.." -"I had no plans." -"Thanks for joining me!"
-You could use that to your advantage. You already get a million dollars, right?
-You invest. You get the equipment, you get a crew, you rob a bank.
-You get all the shit, you're like, "I'm outta here!" [sneeze]
-You just leave.
-You're just gone!
-Can you sneeze right outta there?
-Then the cops show up and it's an empty vault, and they're like, "who was it?" "It musta been gesundheit!"
[laughing]
-I would probably take that honestly, because I would probably wanna use it sometimes.
-I would not. It's too unpredictable.
-It'd be a crimp in your lifestyle. -Yeah.
-It would be useful, sometimes, but probably very inconvenient most times.
-If you liked this week's episode of Million Dollars, But: be sure to check out last week's episode.
-And, don't forget to check out the Million Dollars, But T-Shirt, available in the Roosterteeth Store!
-Or, give Roosterteeth a subscribe, and you can see Gavin do...whatever he's doing. What are you doing?
-Nothing.
-Just bein' Gavin.