- A guide to being old.
You're gonna notice a few things about getting old
that you didn't used to have in your 20s.
The first thing you're gonna do as an old person
is go into your phone, find the text size setting,
and just adjust it right up to as big as it can get.
Oh, is that as big as it can get?
Apps that support this--
You're going to spend a lot of time denying the fact
that your body is wilting away,
and in fact, your eyes don't need any assistance,
but to read things, you really have to,
you have to have it really close to your face
to be able to read it.
But no, I'm fine!
I'm not aging, I'm fine.
This is how I've always read things.
When you wanna walk somewhere, maybe 10 meters,
you'll get puffed out and out of breath.
So it's okay to buy an asthma puffer
and take breaks every 10 to 15 seconds.
You're gonna be frustrated to technology
because technology is frustrating.
It's so annoying because it changes.
Every single day, there's some sort of update to technology.
The on button is no longer just the on button anymore.
For some reason, when I push the on button,
it's calling Telstra.
I don't want to call Telstra.
Now, suddenly, Telstra's calling me,
but I don't know what to do.
I'm trying to swipe Answer Call,
but my fingerprint isn't being recognized anymore,
and then my retina scan doesn't work.
I just need a phone that does what a phone does.
That's another thing about getting old.
You just want a phone to be a phone.
You don't want it to be a gadget
that does everything for you.
(clapping)
I spent 70 dollars on a clapping light!
(clapping)
And when you wanna go to the bathroom,
you used to be able to hold on.
Now your body doesn't let you do that,
and you just excrete the bodily fluids wherever you are.
You will become more intolerant of a lot of things,
like the youth of today.
When I was younger, I thought I was gonna be
open, honest, and accepting of the young people,
but my God, do they frustrate the shit out of me!
They say words I don't understand.
They never look up from their phone.
Back in my day, I...
Oh God.
You know you're old when you start using back in my day
or when I was at school.
Well, when I was at school, we didn't have phones.
So, we made eye contact.
We had general human conversations.
Kids these days don't have general human conversations.
You're also gonna say kids these days.
Back in my day, when I was at school, and kids these days
are common phrases you're gonna use.
I used to love showbags, but now that I'm old,
I see them as overpriced crap
you can buy at a supermarket for 50 cents.
I remember when my dad used to yell at me
when I'd come back with a showbag
with four dollars worth of stuff in it
that cost 35 dollars.
Now we both belong to a Facebook group called
Everything's Overpriced Now, Let's Whinge About It.
You're gonna refuse to believe that your body can't cope
with some sort of situation
like a hike in the Blue Mountains.
"Oh, I'll be fine," you say, and you push through it.
Your bones are cracking, your hips are hurting,
your muscles are inflamed, and your back's seizing up,
but you're not going to let on
that you're in a lot of agony,
and as soon as you get home and close the door,
you sleep for 45 days to recover
from that small hike you did.
Foods that your body was fine with,
no longer fine with, like chilis.
If I have chili, I get extreme reflux,
and it hurts for a couple of hours.
So I can't eat chilis, but I like chili.
So I still eat it, but then I just complain
about it after the fact.
Actually, you're gonna do a lot of complaining
as you get older.
Actually, you're only going to complain.
That's all we do now that we're old.
You're gonna wake up most mornings and look in the mirror
and go, "Oh, bloody hell, those gray hairs!
"There's more of them!"
I recently had them cut off, so I don't have any anymore.
You're gonna start to blame inanimate objects for things,
like just existing and being there.
They've always been there, but because you tripped over it,
it's not your fault.
It's the inanimate object's fault.
It is.
I've never seen you there before!
(upbeat music)