Apple,
the world's biggest tech giant
and smallest producer of apples.
Because this pandemic has forced people
to wear masks all the time, a lot of iPhone users
have noticed that unlocking your phone with your face
doesn't work anymore.
And I mean, it makes sense.
You have a mask on, so the phone can't recognize you.
Hell, nobody can recognize you.
Except that guy at the bank who says he somehow recognized me,
and then the jury bought his story.
Three years later, here we are.
Anyway, it's being reported that Apple is about to launch
a new feature to fix this problem
by letting people punch in a secret code
that unlocks the phone.
Yeah. And I know, I know what the haters are gonna say.
Oh, we had this technology years ago.
Yeah, exactly.
This is the genius of Apple.
They're trying to take us back in time,
because if we're back in time, there's no corona...
and Cheryl hasn't broken up with me.
Please, Cheryl, you got to take me back.
The woman in the background, I swear I don't know who she was.
I think she was, like, a robber.
The only reason she was naked
is 'cause she was probably stealing clothes.
Please take me back, Cheryl.
(sobbing): Like, I didn't... I didn't know her...
In other news-- we're going on six weeks of lockdown,
and it's clearly starting to wear on some people's nerves.
People like Elon Musk, the founder of Tesla,
and man who definitely has an escape hatch.
He's never been a fan of the shutdown in the first place,
but last night, he pushed the button for insane mode.
NEWSMAN: Tesla CEO Elon Musk is being criticized
after he launched into a rant filled with expletives
on Tesla's earnings call.
Yes!
Elon! Finally!
Finally, someone has decided
to call out this fascist American government
that's asking people to please stay in their houses
to try and save their own lives.
I mean, you're not even allowed
to go to the grocery store anymore.
Well, I mean, actually, you can go to the grocery store.
But, I mean, you-you can't even go for a walk.
I mean, you-you can do that, too. But what about the beach?
You're not allowed to go to the beach.
Except for all the states
where you're allowed to go to the beach.
But you definitely can't go to H&M,
and that is the definition of fascism.
Now, I see what Elon Musk is really doing here.
This guy's just trying to stir up civil unrest
so that people end up buying one of his bulletproof trucks.
"We need to rise up to fight the government
"from inside our Cybertrucks,
now available with full autopilot."
You know, the weirdest part about all of this
is that Elon Musk always says
that we're all living in a computer simulation,
but now he's like, "Yo, yo,
"the universe might be fake, but my stock price is real.
Let's take this shit seriously, people."
Speaking of people with no filter,
President Trump.
A lot of us have always wondered for a long time
if Trump actually pays attention to all the tweets that he gets,
and it turns out he does bigly.
An engineer in California who tweeted the president
was paid $69 million for ventilators that never came.
On March 27, President Trump posted on Twitter
to urge Ford and General Motors
to start making ventilators now.
A man named Yaron Oren-Pines tweeted back,
"We can supply ICU ventilators.
Have someone call me, urgent."
And that's all it took.
The guy had just 75 followers on Twitter
and no apparent experience in manufacturing,
but three days later, New York state
entered into a $69 million contract with the man.
A New York state official said that they entered the contract
at the direct recommendation
of the White House Coronavirus Task Force.
Now New York has terminated the deal
and is trying to get its money back.
69 million dol...
Guys, come on.
First of all, if someone tells you
the price of anything is $69 million,
it's a joke.
69 is pranking 101.
And second of all, nice.
But-but hold on. Let's go back for a second
and just-just help me figure this out.
Some random guy tweeted President Trump
asking him for a ventilator contract,
and his wish was just granted?
Just like that?
He said, "I want this thing," and then he got the thing?
I mean, let this be a warning.
The next time you tweet at the president
telling him that you've got Hillary's e-mails and deez nuts,
don't be shocked if Trump shows up to collect.
"I brought a hammer, so let's smash deez nuts
and see what's inside them."
And finally, for months now, it feels like the coronavirus
has been dominating our every waking moment.
And now it turns out
it's dominating our sleeping moments, too.
Now, if you've been having some weird dreams lately,
frankly, you are not alone.
A researcher with Harvard Medical School
is surveying people from around the world.
She says the most striking change
from dreams during normal times is the added anxiety.
Some show literal fears over the coronavirus,
like being out in public
and suddenly realizing you don't have a mask.
Others have shown metaphors to the pandemic.
The biggest single cluster is bug dreams.
There are masses of squirming worms
and swarms of flying insects
and cockroaches running at the dreamer.
Wow. Thanks for all of those unnecessary details.
I wasn't dreaming about bugs and worms before,
but now I will.
You know, it's really wild how coronavirus
is affecting every aspect of our lives.
Like, our old nightmares were about being at work
in a meeting with no pants,
and now that's just work.
But I was kind of relieved to read this story.
Yeah, because I thought I was the only one
whose dreams have been getting weird because of corona.
'Cause when I sleep,
my nightmares are totally not normal.
Here, I'll show you.
There's so many of them.
Oh, so many.
I'm so excited to be socially active again.
Welcome, everybody, welcome.
Did you learn the words?
♪ Imagine all the people. ♪
(shudders)
I can't wait to get back to sleep.
That's our show for tonight.
Before we go, though,
please remember that the Covid pandemic
has devastated communities around the world.
But The International Medical Corps
is helping these communities rebuild and recover.
And if you are able to help, and you would like to help,
please donate whatever you can.
If you'd like to support the response specifically here
at home in New York City,
please donate to the NYC Healthcare Heroes,
who are providing care packages to our health care workers,
hospitals and temporary medical facilities.
Until next week, stay safe out there,
wash your hands, and remember--
be kind to your bedbugs.
Right now, they're the only friends you've got.