-I follow you on Instagram and I love it.
It's a great account to follow if you like Instagram.
But you made me laugh.
Who is Carl, your ski instructor?
-Oh, Carl is my 95-year-old ski instructor
that I met in Park City.
When I met him, he was -- well, he was 90 when I met him.
And then, every day we were together
he felt like he was aging a year.
And so by the time I left him, he was 98 and a half.
-Oh, my goodness.
-But he's very spry and agile, as you can tell by the picture.
And he's a great skier.
So, of course, I was so turned on by that.
I like any man who's in charge of me on a mountain.
I don't care if they're 106. You know what I mean?
-Of course, no. -I become sexually attracted.
I'm like, "Oh, my God, this man is gonna protect me."
I mean, we've all felt it.
The guys in this room have also felt it, okay?
[ Laughter ]
-Congrats on the book.
This is your sixth book?
-This is my sixth book.
-Congratulations, buddy. -Thank you.
[ Cheers and applause ]
-"Life Will Be the Death of Me."
I was reading the blurbs on the back,
and Trevor Noah had a nice blurb.
He said, "The Chelsea Handler I know
is a take-no-prisoners activist for the causes she believes in."
And the last line says, "Hopefully for this blurb,
she'll let me see the security camera footage
of the dogfight in her bedroom."
-Yeah.
-I just didn't quite understand what that meant.
[ Laughter ]
-Well, there were dogs in my bedroom.
It was actual dogs.
I had a rescue that I hadn't really slept with yet.
Not that way, obviously. [ Laughter ]
He hadn't spent the night with me.
So I just put him upstairs with my two other dogs,
who had been with me for a long time,
thinking I was gonna keep the new dog.
His name was John, for the night I had him.
And then I woke up -- I just figure dogs will be dogs.
You know? Just let it happen, however it's gonna happen.
I went to bed, or passed out, or blacked out, who remembers.
[ Laughter ]
Anyway, when I woke up, the dogs were on top of each other.
My little dog, Tammy, was wrapped around
and she was a third of the size of this dog, John.
And she was wrapped around him like a little anaconda.
And I was like, "Oh, my God."
And I was in a bra and underwear, which is how I sleep.
And I tried to separate them.
And I threw one dog in my closet.
And another one out the -- It was like Cujo stuff.
It was serious.
And it's 12:30 in the morning.
I'm just coming to and half dressed.
And then there was blood.
And I was like, "Oh." I was so scared.
And when I looked down,
when I finally had gotten rid of both of the dogs,
I had seen that they scratched me right next to my nipple
and my bra was off.
And I thought the only way to review this
would be with security cameras from my house
and a group of people on mushrooms.
So that's what we did. [ Laughter ]
And my assistant put "Rocky" to --
he put the music -- the song "Rocky" to it.
So it's like, "Da-da-da, da-da-da!"
And I look like a Courtney Love running around the living room
in the middle of the night, a hot mess.
Yeah, so, yeah, I'm not very good at parenting dogs,
but I love dogs, and I like them to be in my home.
-You have a lot of dogs in your life, here.
There's a couple of photos here of the dogs.
-That's Chunk. Chunk is deceased,
but he was my firstborn, so he was like my first son.
And Tammy was a harlot, and so I rescued her,
and she just looked like a tramp, so I got her.
-These are the two new guys you have.
-Bert and Bernice. Bert is -- They're sister, brother.
Chick and Chow.
I mean, not Chinese chicken chow. That's a salad, sorry.
Chow, they're part Chow, part --
What's the other part? Rottweiler.
So they're brother and sister, and one's a big, fat potato,
and the other one's just kind of a little bitch.
[ Laughter ]
That's the way dogs are, the big ones --
the boys want to cuddle and snuggle
and then the girls are just like, "You suck."
-Yeah. [ Laughter ]
You talk about a lot in this book.
One is the phrase "pharmalogical intuitive."
-Yes.
-What does that mean? I've never hear that.
-I believe that I know what the right prescription for anybody
who wants medication or cannabis or alcohol.
Like, I can look at a person's personality and say,
"This is what you need.
You need an edible with this much THC versus this much CBD."
I know if somebody needs to -- I know if somebody needs a Xanax
versus an Adderall, versus a Nuvigil, versus an Ambien.
I'm very well versed in the whole arena.
-Holy mackerel. Amazing.
-But I do feel passionately about cannabis.
I'm coming out with my own cannabis line.
Not yet, but in the summer because I feel like
we really have to turn our backs
on the opioid and the pharmaceutical industry
and really just say screw you to all of them.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Focus on the things that are growing out of the ground
to help us -- that's called marijuana.
It helps millions of people and we all need to get on board.
So I'm very passionate about that.
-Yeah, good for you for doing that.