- Hey everyone, I'm Hannah.
So last year in 2018, I had two emergency open
abdominal surgeries, one in January and one in June.
So just five months apart.
And today I wanted just to chat through the recovery,
journey, process, of both of those surgeries.
Both physically and mentally.
And kind of like how I somehow managed
to stay positive throughout it all.
Obviously with ups and downs, but ultimately I feel good.
(laughing)
And this video is sponsored by Olay
and their Face Anything campaign.
Which I kind of thought was perfect for this topic.
Oh my goodness.
From last year, everything that I went through last year,
it genuinely made me realise how capable I am,
in mind and in body, just, like, how amazing,
(laughing)
how amazing this like fleshy vessel
that I go about the world in is.
And it really has made me realise that I can face anything.
Like, if I can go through 2018,
then I can really face anything.
I want to start with just saying that
recovery is different for everyone.
This is just going to be my experience of like,
what happened at what stage,
and how that whole recovery process was for me.
But it was such a unique experience
and everyone recovers from surgery differently,
from trauma, from illness, so this is me, basically.
And the other thing that it's important to note,
and this was something that was so crucial
for me to realise when I was in recovery
to kind of help with my mental state.
Which is that recovery isn't like,
uphill trajectory, like all of the time,
it isn't like this linear thing from unwell to recovered.
Like, what even is recovered,
like I am mostly recovered right now,
but there are definitely still some things
that I struggle with that I didn't struggle
with before my surgeries, so will I ever be fully recovered?
Who knows.
Yeah, this video's gonna get deep guys,
it's gonna get deep.
So this video is all gonna be post surgery.
However, I've never really, properly delved into
my physical and mental state of being before surgery,
when I was really, really ill,
and I don't really want to get into it in this video.
It's kinda heavy, but I wrote about it in Scarlett Curtis'
new anthology about mental health,
"It's Not OK to Feel Blue (and Other Lies)"
So I wrote a section for this book which is about the--
pretty much the darkest moment of my life,
and that's out now if you wanna get it,
and if you wanna delve into that,
but this video is going to be more positive, generally.
And about that experience post surgery
because, basically, I was super ill,
and then I had my colon removed,
and I now have a stoma bag and basically,
I woke up from that surgery in
a different kind of pain cause
I'd just had my body sliced open.
But mentally, I just felt alive and awake again.
That doesn't mean to say I was suddenly A-okay,
and just like,
Oh my god, great, I have a stoma bag now, yeah!
But I didn't feel ill anymore, so I think like,
the first thing in my recovery was just being grateful.
Grateful that the surgery went well.
There were no complications.
Grateful that the diseased organ was out of me.
Begone diseased colon!
That doesn't mean to say it was hard.
There were like, ups and downs in hospital
before I was discharged.
I had days where I was just like,
This is amazing!
I'm not ill anymore!
And then I had days where I was just exhausted,
and tired, and in so much pain and
I remember Dan calling me and I had no voice
cause I was just so weak and tired.
Like, I couldn't talk.
And I got so upset that I couldn't talk
to my boyfriend on the phone
that I just burst into tears.
I felt useless.
And then like, the next day I felt amazing.
So it's just really swings and roundabouts and basically,
this whole story of like,
the months and the years after is
a lot of swings and roundabouts,
a lot of silver linings,
a lot of ups and downs.
So the recovery from my two surgeries was very different.
Surgery one, because I was so ill
and hadn't really eaten.
Like, I was just like on Death's door before that surgery.
It meant that the recovery from that was really slow.
And then, when I had my emergency surgery in June,
so I was five months post-op from the first one.
And I was like, good.
I was like living life, there was definitely still things
that I couldn't do and I was still quite weak,
but I was feeling amazing and I was like,
being able to actively do things.
And then that second surgery really took a knock for me.
Mentally more than physically.
Physically, it was much easier to recover from
that second surgery because I already had a level of health.
I wasn't horrendously ill going into that second surgery.
But I didn't know that at the time.
So when I found out that I had to have that
second emergency surgery, it destroyed me.
I thought, oh my goodness.
I have to start from scratch again.
I am back to square one with recovery.
And it really took a knock on me mentally.
Also, I keep a five year diary.
So I have in here like every day
like, detail of what I was doing.
So I could actually keep track of my recovery.
And when it came to the second one, I was just like,
oh, I went for a walk, by myself today
at this time after surgery, but the first time
that I did it after the first one was like, way after.
I was like, oh, I'm like, weeks ahead of my recovery.
Which really then helped me mentally as well
cause I was quite low after that second surgery.
More low after the second surgery
than I had been after the first.
Which is weird.
I think it's because I was so grateful the first time
and all of that gratefulness was gone with the second one
cause I was just like, really?
Why? Why?
How do I deserve this?
I actually found in here, which is quite interesting.
So, I had my first surgery on the 14th of January.
I was then discharged from hospital on the 26th of January.
And then in here, I've got on February the 16th:
"Walked outside by myself.
Got a mani pedi."
Before that I was going outside, but with other people
because I had to hold onto them to walk,
and I couldn't walk really long distances.
The day after this was the day that I got my walking stick.
So that gave me loads more independence.
So I could actually like, walk further,
get on public transport by myself.
You know, that's the big enough thing.
"Walked outside by myself" that it went in the diary.
Over a month after having the surgery
was the first time that I could walk outside by myself.
And that's wild!
That is such a long time.
But the second time round, it was much faster.
So I had my second surgery on the 13th of June.
Oh! (laughs)
I also got a mani pedi after my surgery.
Oh my god.
This is a thing that I do.
Self-care guys.
This is apparently my version of self-care
is to get my nails done.
So I got the mani pedi on the 23rd of June.
So I would have walked to the salon myself to do that.
Although I didn't make note of it here
so maybe it wasn't a big deal.
So that's ten days.
So ten days post-surgery, going to get a mani pedi.
Versus over a month post-surgery so,
significantly different recovery for both of them.
Physical recovery much harder the first time round.
Mental recovery much harder the second time round.
And I wasn't really doing any physical exercise
the first time round.
I just didn't feel ready or just like,
mentally capable or anything like that at all.
The second time round though,
that was when I really started taking
my physical health more seriously.
So I started doing like, the ab exercises from physio
and then you may have seen last year
I did my "Surgery to 5K" series.
So, by the end of 20-- (phone beeps)
Oh, Siri!
By the end of 2018, I had run 5k.
From literally not being able to walk
and having my abdominal muscles sliced open.
I ran 5K.
Granted, the slowest I've ever run it in my entire life,
but that doesn't matter, it's fine.
And even though I'm now like, getting fitter,
and like, doing more exercise and stuff.
I'm still not at the running 5K level now
as I was before my surgeries.
And that's kind of what I was getting at
at the beginning about not having like,
an endpoint in mind.
So one of the interesting things that I found with recovery
and also how other people perceive it.
So from the outside, I'll get comments online
but then also some friends have said things
like this as well where it's like,
I don't know how you do it.
You're so brave.
Aren't you bored?
(laughs)
I don't see it as bravery.
I see bravery as a choice.
The act of bravery in itself is
that you have control over that situation
and you are taking that risk,
you are taking that jump,
you are doing that thing
and you are brave, you are strong and you are brave.
I didn't have a choice.
Everything just happened to me.
I was very passive.
There was no way for me to like, be brave
cause, I dunno, I see bravery as an active thing.
Whereas I was just completely passive
through this whole thing.
It's just like everything is just happening to you.
It's an interesting one because a lot
of recovery is just: just get on with it.
Take each day as it comes basically.
I am usually such a forward thinker.
Like, I always live in the future.
I'm not very good at being present.
However, going through surgery recovery
is like one massive mindfulness exercise
because it does you such a disservice to be like,
oh, one day when I'm like, recovered,
like, one day when I'm better.
That does you such a disservice.
You just have to kind of live in the moment,
day by day, okay right now a nurse
is shoving glucose syrup into my mouth.
Great.
(laughs)
Too sweet.
I'm a savoury girl, didn't like it.
So the reason why I had to have the second surgery
was because I had adhesions
and it caused like a bowel obstruction, basically.
And guess what?
You get adhesions from having surgery.
So the doctors told me this
and I was like, wait what?
I got adhesions from the first surgery I had.
And now you're gonna get rid
of my adhesions by another surgery.
And that really made me spiral, a bit.
And this is kind of why my mental health wasn't
as good the second time round
because I was just thinking like,
well this could happen again.
For that second surgery, I woke up in pain Monday morning
and I had surgery on Wednesday.
It was that quick.
Like the day before, the Sunday before,
I was fine like, no signs of anything.
It just came on so suddenly and two days later
I was being wheeled into operating theatre.
And I think that really scared me because I was like,
well this could just happen anytime now.
Like, how am I supposed to live my life?
How am I supposed to make any plans
if this could just happen again?
And I remember speaking to like the doctors
and nurses about this cause I was just like--
Well, what's the point?
Like, what is the point at all?
And they had to kind of reassure me of like,
one it's really rare.
I just got very unlucky.
They also were just like, you can't live like that.
Like, anything could happen to anyone at any time.
You could get hit by a bus.
I know I said that this would be positive but like--
(laughs)
Hear me out.
Like, literally, you have no idea what is going to happen.
There are some things that you just don't
have any control over and so instead,
focus on the things that you do have control over.
Which is what you do with your time right now.
I understand that now, like,
I'm totally, like, on board with that now,
but when they were saying it to me in the hospital,
it didn't quite click.
I hope this isn't too much of a downer.
What I'm saying is: live life!
You know, worry about the things that you can control
instead of worrying about the things that you can't control.
That's my philosophy now,
although, well, I try.
But yeah, if stuff goes wrong,
you just have to face it as it happens.
And speaking of facing anything,
like I said at the beginning,
this video is sponsored by Olay
and their Face Anything campaign.
The campaign is all about supporting
and championing all sorts of people
from all different walks of life
who are breaking boundaries,
fighting for change, and facing adversity.
Olay wants to help you feel your most confident
so you can face anything that life sends your way.
And boy, does life send things your way sometimes.
I've been using the Olay Regenerist Whip,
which is a moisturiser and
I've basically just been using it every morning
since we did the fancy Olay shoot.
And I really love it.
I am such a moisturiser fiend.
It smells so good. (sniffs)
It's like I'm going to the spa every morning almost.
(sniffs)
I love it.
It instantly absorbs into your face
and has like, this really lovely lightweight feel
and it has a matte finish.
Which is great because hopefully
I'm not lookin too shiny on camera right now.
Oh my god, I get so shiny.
So it's really great to have a moisturiser that is matte.
So Olay has actually partnered with Young Women's Trust
to help young women across the UK to face anything.
Whatever you donate, Olay will match
to fundraise a target of £100,000.
I'll leave links in the description
to more details about how to donate
and about the Young Women's Trust.
Thanks so much again to Olay for sponsoring this video.
So where I feel like I'm at now with my recovery is that
it's not dictating like, my day to day activities
as it was in the beginning.
It's kind of still there in the background.
The changes that are happening aren't
as fast and noticeable as they were at the beginning
cause obviously, like, I was getting better
at a much quicker speed.
Whereas now it's like, slow things
that I don't really think about every day
but maybe like, in a few months,
I'll look back and I'm like,
oh, I couldn't do that six months ago.
That's kinda cool.
And also, I genuinely just feel a bit in awe of myself.
If one can feel in awe of themselves.
I feel in awe of myself.
I feel in awe of my body and my mind, that I survived.
And not just survived, I thrived.
I thrived.
Like, through the worst year of my life.
Like I said at the beginning,
I don't think I fully realised before just how capable I am.
I have like, this newfound appreciation and respect for me.
(laughs)
Which is great.
And genuinely, if I can get through that year,
I can face anything.
Thanks so much for watching this video.
Please do give it a like
and let me know in the comments about something
that has happened to you or something that you've done.
Either you're active or passive in it, doesn't matter,
something that's happened that really showed
to you how amazing you are.
I wanna hear amazing stories of times you've felt capable,
times you felt brave, times you felt proud of yourself.
It doesn't have to be like a health story.
It can be personal, or school, or academic,
or work achievements as well.
Don't forget to subscribe and hit that notification bell.
Also, if you haven't seen yet,
I've started a new channel.
So on this channel it's going to be
sex and relationships content,
IBD, stoma, health, and content like that.
And then on the other channel it's going to be
lifestyle, culture, work, productivity, organisation, books.
(sings) Books.
Content like that.
So if you're interested in the kind of content
that I make like that, that is now over on a new channel:
More Hannah, go subscribe.
Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding.
Thanks for watching, bye.