( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( BAND PLAYING )
>> OH, MY GOODNESS, THANK YOU, EVERYBODY!
I THINK WE'RE GOING TO HAVE A REALLY NICE TIME TOGETHER.
I WOULD SAY THAT, BUT I BELIEVE IT, TOO.
( LAUGHTER ) I'M AN OPTIMIST AND I LIVE IN
NEW YORK CITY WHERE NOBODY LIKES THAT.
( LAUGHTER ) NOBODY IN NEW YORK LIKES IT WHEN
YOU THINK THINGS ARE GOING TO BE OKAY.
( LAUGHTER ) EVERYBODY IN NEW YORK LOVES A
PESSIMIST, EVERYBODY LOVES A GUY IN A BLACK LEATHER JACKET
SMOKING A CIGARETTE -- WE WERE ALL BORN JUST TO DIE!
( LAUGHTER ) FLICKS THE LIT BUTT IN A RAT'S
FACE -- IT'S PAIN, BUDDY, LEARN IT!
>> EVERYBODY LIKES THAT GUY.
HE GETS IT.
HOE PROBABLY KNOWS WHY THE VELVET UNDERGROUND IS A GOOD
BAND.
HE CAN PROBABLY TASTE THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN DIFFERENT
BEERS INSTEAD OF GOING VERY BEERY AND PUTTING IT DOWN LIKE I
DO.
I'M SITTING BY MYSELF DRINKING A MILKSHAKE AND SAYING, CAN YOU
BELIEVE THERE'S A SUNSET EVERY DAY?
WOW!
PEOPLE SAY, DUDE, YOU'RE GOING TO DIE ON A FERRIS WHEEL TRYING
TO CATCH A SHOOTING STAR.
NO OTHER ADULT I'VE MET STILL BELIEVES IN SANTA CLAUS.
WHAT MADE ME THIS WAY?
( LAUGHTER ) YEAH, YOU GET IT.
BEFORE THIS IS ABOUT TO MAKE A LOT OF SENSE, BEFORE THIS IS MY
JOB, I USED TO TEACH PRE-SCHOOL IN.
CASE YOU'RE WONDERING WHY MY ENTIRE VIBE UP HERE IS HIPSTER
MR. ROGERS.
( LAUGHTER ) I LOVE THAT JOB.
I LEARNED A LOT FROM IT.
I LEARNED ABOUT PATIENCE, I LEARNED ABOUT MEETING PEOPLE ON
THEIR LEVEL, NOT ASSUMING WHAT ANYBODY WANTS OR NEEDS FROM YOU.
SOME TEACHERS, THOUGH, OVERSELL THE BENEFITS OF THE OCCUPATION
TO THE KIDS AND THEMSELVES.
SOME TEACHERS SAY, YOU KNOW, I LEARN AS MUCH FROM THOSE KIDS AS
THEY LEARN FROM ME.
( LAUGHTER ) AND IF A TEACHER TELLS YOU THAT,
THEY'RE A LIER OR A STRAIGHT-UP HORRENDOUS TEACHER BECAUSE THE
ENTIRE JOB DESCRIPTION OF BEING AN EDUCATOR IS THE CHILDREN
LEARN MORE FROM YOU THAN YOU FROM THEM, THAT'S WHAT YOU'RE
STRIVING FOR EVERY DAY.
I WAS TEACHING FOUR-YEAR-OLDS, THEY DIDN'T EVEN KNOW THEIR
PARENTS' FIRST NAMES.
IMAGINE WHAT A SWEET DUMB GOON I WOULD HAVE TO BE TO LEARN MORE
FROM THOSE CHILDREN THAN THEY WERE LEARNING FROM ME WEEK IN
AND WEEK OUT.
JUST COMING HOME TO MY WIFE, LIKE, BABE, I WAS AT WORK
TALKING TO THE KIDS, DID YOU KNOW THE CRAYONS LOOK DIFFERENT
BUT THEY TASTE THE SAME?
IMAGINE THAT.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) I LEARNED AS MUCH FROM THOSE
KIDS AS THEY LEARN FROM ME.
SHE WOULD BE LEGALLY, I DON'T THINK WE CAN HAVE SEX WITH EACH
OTHER ANYMORE.
I THINK THAT'S OUT OF BOUNDS.
( LAUGHTER ) I HAVE BEEN MARRIED TWO YEARS AS
OF THIS COMING SUNDAY.
SO, YEAH!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) SO HAPPY ANNIVERSARY MARIS, THAT
WASN'T THE WHOLE GIFT.
( LAUGHTER ) I LOVE THE WHOLE THING ABOUT
MARRIAGE, EVEN THE THING YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO LIKE.
I LOVE INLAWS.
TO ME INLAWS ARE NEW RELATIVES IN MY LIFE WHO HAVE NO IDEA HOW
EMBARRASSING I USED TO BE IN THE PAST.
( LAUGHTER ) I HAVE A GREAT DAD.
WE HAVE A WONDERFUL RELATIONSHIP.
WE GET ALONG TREMENDOUSLY.
BUT THE FATHER-IN-LAW IS A NEW DAD WHO NEVER HAD TO PICK ME UP
EARLY FROM ELEMENTARY SCHOOL BECAUSE THE GOOSEBUMPS BOOK I
WAS READING WAS TOO SCARY.
I LOVE MY MOM SO MUCH, BUT A MOTHER-IN-LAW IS A NEW MOM WHO
NEVER WALKED IN ON ME MASTER BAITING: I HAVE BROTHERS FOR
THE FIRST TIME.
I'VE ALWAYS WANTED BROTHERS, NEVER HAD THEM.
ONE NEW SISTER I ADORE.
MY WIFE HAS TWO BROTHERS, IDENTICAL TWINS AND COPS, WHICH
ARE NOT THE BROTHERS I HAD IN MIND FOR MYSELF.
IDENTICAL TWIN COPS BORN TEN MINUTES APART WHICH IS THE
FASTEST IN HISTORY ANYONE EVER CALLED FOR BACKUP.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
SOME APPLAUSE.
VERY CAUCASIAN RESPONSE TO THAT JOKE.
( LAUGHTER ) THE ONLY HE CANUP WITH MARRIAGE
IS DAY ONE AFTER THE WEDDING, PEOPLE STARTED ASKING WHEN WE
WERE GOING TO HAVE KIDS.
NOT IF, WHEN.
LIKE THEY BOUGHT TICKETS AND WE'RE STARTING BEHIND SCHEDULE.
I COULD ALWAYS SAY, YOU KNOW, SINCE I WAS A KID, I THOUGHT
MAYBE I WOULD ADOPT.
MY WIFE FEELS THE SAME WAY, SO THERE'S NO RUSH.
WHICH IS WEIRD, BECAUSE WHEN WE WERE A CHILD CONSIDERING
ADOPTION THAT JUST MEANS AT SOME POINT YOU'D LIKE TO HAVE A
FRIEND.
WHEN I BRING UP ADOPTION I GET THE SAME FOLLOW-UP QUESTION,
JOSH, DON'T YOU WANT A BABY THAT LOOKS LIKE YOU?
EXCUSE ME?
( LAUGHTER ) FIRST OF ALL, I'M BALD, OUT OF
SHAPE AND HAVE A WEAK CHIN, ANY BABY'S GOING TO LOOK LIKE ME.
THAT'S JUST BIOLOGY.
( APPLAUSE ) EVERY HUMAN BABY HAS TWO YEARS
OF THIS BEFORE IT'S WEIRD AT ALL.
I COULD ADOPT A 3-MONTH-OLDCINE GIRL AND THEY WOULD BE, LIKE,
SHE HAS HER FATHER'S HAIRLINE AND POSTURE, THAT'S ADORABLE,
LOOK AT THAT.
THANK YOU GUYS SO MUCH.
HAVE A GOOD NIGHT!