Let's take a moment to get into business and talk about Amazon.
They're the reason you were able
to do all of your holiday shopping without wearing pants.
That shit doesn't fly at Best Buy.
Trust me, I've tried.
And now, Amazon is finding new ways to keep you coming back.
MAN: Amazon is sending shoppers free samples curated
to their tastes as part of the company's push
into advertising.
Axios reporting, products free of charge
that you may like are gonna show up on your doorstep,
and it's all based on your purchase history
on the website.
Okay. I like the idea,
but how's Amazon gonna send you a sample of something?
I mean, I get how that would work
with, like, food or shampoo, but Amazon sells everything.
Are they gonna send you, like, half a TV?
(laughter)
The handle of a coffee mug?
Just the tip of a dildo?
(laughter)
Be like, "If you enjoyed this sample, you'll love the shaft."
(laughter)
But... but free samples aren't the biggest story
about Amazon today, because just this morning,
Jeff Bezos, Amazon's CEO, and the winner of capitalism,
announced that he and his wife MacKenzie are getting divorced.
Now we joke a lot about Amazon,
but it is sad to see any relationship not work out.
Uh, thankfully, it does sound amicable,
and we wish both of them the best,
because at the end of the day, we're all people here.
We know how it feels to go through a tough breakout.
I don't think there's a joke about that,
unless you are a financial analyst at CNBC.
Then there is something funny, you know,
because you watch these people who are trying to talk
about human emotions on air for the very first time.
Jeff Bezos tweets a few moments ago
that, uh, he's getting divorced.
MAN 2: Yeah. Uh, that was somewhat surprising. Yeah.
Uh, MacKenzie Bezos will become
one of the richest people in the world.
Unclear what and where her interests may lie
in-in terms of, uh, that.
Listen, uh, you know, I don't care
if you're the richest guy in the world or not.
-Getting divorced is, uh... is never fun, I'm sure. -Yeah.
You know, it's a courageous thing to tweet this.
Uh, and it-it... it is...
I don't know what else to say other than the fact
that he didn't need to do it.
The man tweeted it. You didn't need to.
A lot of times you kind of don't really kind of talk about it,
kind of, you know? I mean, kind of.
I mean, you know what I mean? Kind of.
Yeah, uh, right?
Yeah, uh, well, yeah, well.
It's like wow.
Business Louis C.K. over there didn't do well
with that information, uh...
Yeah, emotional news is not his strong suit. Uh...
I'm glad he's on CNBC, and not working as a veterinarian.
You know, he'd just be like, "So, you're cat--
"he, uh, kind of, uh, you know.
"Um, his-his thyroid and then his kidney kind of...
"which for felines, I don't know.
"But anyway, here's his ashes.
You know what I mean."
(laughter, applause)
For more on the Bezos divorce, I'm joined
by our financial analyst, Desi Lydic, everybody.
-(cheers and applause) -Thank you.
Desi, as, um...
as awkward as CNBC's divorce therapists are,
you can't deny that there is a huge financial aspect
to this story.
Oh yeah. No, that's true, Trevor.
This is a huge deal.
Jeff Bezos is the richest man in the world,
and under Washington State law,
he has to split everything he's earned
during their marriage, 50/50.
MacKenzie Bezos will get $66 billion.
-(whooping, gasping) -Yeah.
This is the biggest transfer of wealth
since Warren Buffett left his debit card
-at a McDonald's drive-through. -(laughter)
$66 billion. I can't imagine having that much money,
let alone losing that much money.
Yeah, and you're really rich, Trevor.
I mean, there was a whole week
where you just paid us to speak for you.
But look, Jeff Bezos will be fine.
(laughter)
Don't worry about Jeff Bezos, okay? He'll be fine.
He's still gonna have $66 billion.
I mean, he's not gonna be one of those divorced dads
eating SpaghettiOs over the sink of his studio apartment.
He'll be eating SpaghettiOs over the Mediterranean
from the third story of his yacht.
Oh, which reminds me.
This story is brought to you by SpaghettiOs.
SpaghettiOs.
Divorce is hard, but so is boiling pasta.
Actually, Desi, some of us like SpaghettiOs
for the flavor and the shapes, you know, but whatever.
Uh, so you think this divorce settlement is fair?
Oh, yeah. No, definitely.
A marriage is a partnership.
MacKenzie Bezos spent 25 years
helping her husband grow his business.
And grow his swagger. I mean, look at that.
He went from pleated pants salesman
to jacked-up arms dealer, am I right?
Yeah, it's totally fair.
Look, but that chapter is now closed, okay?
It's over now.
And this next phase is crucial.
You have a wealthy person navigating a-a painful time
in their lives, unsure about what to do next.
And here's where I can not stress this enough.
It is so important to get married again right away.
(laughter)
Find some... someone blond who will take care care of you,
you know, like a... like a city gal
who also feels at home on your private island.
You know, someone who will divorce my husband
-at the drop of a hat. -Whoa, whoa, whoa. Whoa.
Whoa. Whoa, whoa. Whoa, wait. Wait.
Desi, Desi, come on. This is weird.
-What? -You can't just come on the show
to pitch yourself as a spouse for Jeff Bezos.
Whoa, whoa, whoa. What?!
No. How dare you, Trevor!
No, I am pitching myself as a spouse for MacKenzie Bezos.
-(laughter, applause, cheering) -Look.
Yeah. This woman... this woman is beautiful.
She's an accomplished author.
She studied under Toni Morrison at Princeton.
And now she's worth $66 billion.
Oh, is she?
Right, yes. No. Yes. Now she is worth $66 billion.
I mean, you said she's the whole package.
MacKenzie, call me.
I can be on a plane tomorrow, or today if you use Prime.
(laughter)
The future Mrs. MacKenzie Bezos-- Desi Lydic, everyone.