- Ah, the library, where all the weirdos hang out.
Do you have any books about
how to kill your boss without any evidence?
No.
Which would explain why I'm here.
What about how to frame your coworker for murder?
Ma'am, there's a computer right there
where you can search for books without talking to me.
This is your job.
Okay, we do have some books
on how to frame your coworker for murder.
I like to check out a big stack of books,
renew them several times, wait till I get an overdue notice,
then bring 'em all back without ever having read one page.
Do I have a problem?
Hi, there. (bright music)
How can I help you?
Yeah, maybe like, could you show me where the book's about
dating and relationships are?
Sure. Follow me.
(exhales sharply) Here we go.
In classic weirdo behavior,
that weirdo was nervously talking to herself.
I've got a decibel meter to finally solve the mystery
of how loud you can get at the library
before they'll kick you out.
Sir, you need to leave.
Wow, am I too loud already?
You guys are strict.
No, sir. It's because you're not wearing pants.
I guess that makes sense.
Yeah.
Son, please do not bite anyone today.
Daddy doesn't wanna have any conversations
with other people's parents.
Hello, children. Welcome to Story Time.
Our first story is "Rocko the Taco."
Ooh, fun.
Rocko the taco flew a plane to Morocco. Whoa.
The juxtaposition of the travel and food motifs
is quite interesting.
Son, this is a sophisticated book
and is giving me a chance to apply
my master's in English literature degree,
which I'm still paying off 10 years later.
Hey, man, I got some sweet bookmarks, only 5,99.
I could make a hundred of those for like five cents.
These are Italian.
I'm sure.
Archival quality.
I don't think you even know what that means.
For each one that you buy,
a child is given one at a steeply discounted price.
I don't want a bookmark, okay?
I hate bookmarks.
How could anyone hate bookmarks?
Because they let you down.
They fall out, and then you don't know where you left off
and you have to start the book all over again.
Then how do you mark your place?
I dog ear.
No.
Yes.
That's uncouth, man.
That's the world we live in, a dog ear dog world.
What?
This is the type of weird interaction
that could only happen at the library.
Right here are the dating and relationship books.
Thanks. I thought maybe they'd be in the chemistry section.
(chuckles) No, they're in the social skills section.
Right.
Let me know if I can help you find anything else.
Not unless you can help a girl find a date. (chuckles)
No, I'm terrible at navigating the dating scene myself,
which is why I'm hopelessly single.
(bright music)
I can help you find books though.
Okay, well maybe books on communication?
Sure, right this way.
The best season starts today, tax season that is. Hooray.
An amusing use of irony, son.
This is quite a sophisticated book.
I hope you're absorbing the full depth of this text.
What about books about assuming a new identity
and living under the radar?
In addition, any books about impersonating a police officer?
Oh, and counterfeiting too.
Ma'am, do I look like
I have the entire library catalog memorized?
You do.
I do not.
Don't lie to me.
Ah, okay, let me find you a copy
of "How to Counterfeit Money for Dummies."
Won't be long before there are no more libraries.
People don't wanna read because they're afraid of realizing
they're not the main character in life.
And it's a lot easier to just watch a YouTuber
react to something that someone else created.
Sad.
Do you two need help finding anything?
Oh, sorry, we're not getting any books.
We just stopped in to use the toilet.
I don't even have a library card.
Me neither.
Yes, here are a few.
Phones, amazing things, right?
If you have someone's little string of digits,
you can talk to 'em any time.
Just if you wanted to like ask them out
to a casual lunch sometime
just to get to know them a little bit.
That's very true.
Is there anything else I can help you with?
Yeah, would you like to go
help me find a mystery book?
Right this way.
Ah!
Daniel the Spaniel is the first speller up.
An allusion to the 1952 prose piece,
"A Child's Christmas in Wales" by Dylan Thomas.
The judge says, "Spell Scherenschnitte."
Ah, yes, the art of paper cutting design.
Sir, you are speaking at a normal volume
like six feet away from me, it's very distracting.
Apologies. I'm just providing a textual analysis
for the benefit of my son.
Where is your child?
Oh, it looks like he got away,
but I'll find him in a little bit.
You go ahead and finish the book.
Fiction teaches you things about the human condition
that nonfiction never could.
Like, what if your boyfriend was a vampire, hmm?
Good luck finding the answer to that-
No! A stray toddler just bit my toe!
What is happening?
That scream registered a whopping 90 decibels,
and yet no one is here to kick out this patron.
Sir, get out of here, you have no pants.
At any other institution,
this sort of scene would be uncommon,
but at the library it's fairly forgettable.
Mysteries. I always love a good mystery.
You gotta put together the clues and read between the lines.
(bright music)
Sure. Are you looking for a specific book?
Yeah, but I don't remember the title or the author.
That's gonna make finding it exceptionally difficult.
Yeah. But I do know the story.
It's about this librarian,
he's kind of good looking, I guess.
Seems like an unnecessary detail to add.
Anyway, this young woman shows up at the library
and she keeps trying to ask him out,
but she doesn't wanna just come out and say it
because she's waiting for him to give her a sign
that it's okay for her to be direct.
Where does the murder come in?
What? It's a murder mystery.
Okay, yeah, they solve the murder or whatever,
but there's this whole subplot where they go out on a date
and get lunch this Saturday around noon?
Oh...
Yeah?
I think I get what you're talking about now.
Good.
Yeah.
What do you think?
Well, I think you're describing the novel,
"The Sound of Quiet" by PJ Hackensack.
Oh, it's right here.
Oh.
Anything else I can help you with?
No, that's all.
I'm happy to help.
He's either totally disinterested or totally clueless.
Either way, totally weird, right?
Who are you?
Don't worry about it.
Just forget I said anything.
You might be wondering why I need all of these books
about committing terrible crimes
and getting away scot-free.
Not really.
Good.
I couldn't care less.
Okay.
Anyway, my shift is over.
My colleague at the desk can check you out.
Wow.
In this digital world,
there's something so special about a real physical book.
The feel of the pages,
the grease stains where someone
was apparently reading this book while eating Doritos.
Hey, excuse me, have you seen a 15 month old boy
running around by himself?
I heard someone scream.
He's probably been biting people.
I did. Man, that kid has terrible parents, doesn't he?
Okay, thank you.
No problem.
(upbeat music)
No.
Wow, you sure are getting a lot of books
about committing terrible crimes
and getting away with them scot-free.
Makes me wonder why anyone would get all of these.
Wait a second.
You're researching how to commit the perfect crime
because you're the bestselling crime author, PJ Hackensack!
Shut up. Shut up.
Oh, my gosh.
I am a big fan!
Great.
"The Sound of Quiet," so good.
Can you keep checking out the books?
Wait a second.
The main character in that book was a handsome librarian.
Was I the inspiration for that?
You were not.
Oh.
That guy was.
Wait a second, was that young woman trying to ask me out?
Nah, she's probably just a weirdo.
Lot of weirdos at the library.
It's where they all hang out.
It's why I'm here.
It's why we're here! (object crunches)
Oh! (groans)
Ah.
Me too.
Sir, please leave or I'm calling the cops.
Well, I can never come back to this library ever again.
♪ A stranger's come to town ♪
♪ They call him Mr. Frank James ♪