- Hello and welcome to this month's Maggie Moment.
Today, I want to chat about
separation distress or separation anxiety.
And what that is is often parents feel
there's something terribly wrong with them,
they're doing something wrong
or there's something wrong with their child.
And I need to reassure you, that's actually
biologically wired into children to feel anxious
when they're being separated
from their number one caregiver
or their most important, safe big people.
So it's absolutely normal
because if they weren't biologically able to feel
a little bit anxious when they're separated from you,
they can be taken by people who aren't safe.
So you can you see, there's a reason for it.
Okay, so let's go, let's talk about
transitioning into long daycare,
let's transition into early childhood settings.
And I have worked with a beautiful girl
who had a really traumatic separation anxiety
that was managed really poorly in her setting
and not only was she held really tight
when her mom left, so far too firm.
So what that happens to a child who's experiencing
distress as mommy walks away and moves away from her,
she is now being traumatised by being held too tightly
by a person she doesn't know and doesn't trust.
Not only that, they put her in the storeroom
so that her mom couldn't hear her crying.
Now not only did that traumatise her,
and that we call that an ACE,
or an Adverse Childhood Experience,
that all surfaced back up when she
was heading off to high school.
So again, learning to do these transitions
as gently as possible, recognising that some
of our children are a little bit more sensitive
to separation distress than others.
Some of our kids, what I call rooster kids,
tend to have less of it, but once again,
it's not a sign that your parenting is a problem,
it's a sign that we need to address this as
a sensitive child that really feels safest closest to you.
Okay, so there's a couple of things we do
is that we can actually make them very familiar
with the environment before we leave them.
So that could be several visits,
we might just go along and play on the mat
and then take them away.
So we need to get them feel,
they gotta look at the physical environment first.
Obviously, if they're toilet trained,
you need to be able to take them out,
check where the toilet is,
can they manage toileting themself
in that different environment rather than your home?
Every single time, you're building a little bit
more confidence that I can manage without you.
And the other part, I think, while you're at home still,
have moments where you can leave your child
with somebody else who's in their safe circle
whether it's dad, or nana, or grandma, or an auntie
or someone, and you let them know
I'm going to go now, but I will be back.
Because what you're doing is preparing to leave,
reassuring them you're coming back,
and one of the things we'd love you to do
is when you come back, remember to reassure them
that you did come back.
So once again, we're gradually building
new neural pathways of expectation
so that they can understand that you will leave them,
but you're not leaving them forever,
you're just leaving them for a time.
Because time is not easy for children to understand.
And then one of the other things I know
that helps is, as we come into leaving them,
we need you to be in this best possible state as possible.
So that might mean you might have been singing
fabulously fun songs in the car
so that they're full of lots of
beautiful neurochemicals that are positive.
I recommend tickling them high on the back
as you head them to the door
'cause we know that's an accelerator button
that makes serotonin.
So they can feel really flooded with something
that's positive which gives the early childhood educator
a little bit more time to get them into a game or play.
And I do recommend you bond them
with one particular educator if possible
so that they get to find one new
big person who keeps them safe
and then gradually in time, they will gradually
be able to connect with the others.
So rather than a different one each day,
it's just helping that transition.
And then my other suggestions are making sure
a part of you stays with them,
whether it's a scarf, whether it's a lovely photograph
that they can wear on a lanyard around their neck,
whether it's a little special thing
you've put in their pocket,
or whether you are going to promise
that you're going to send them rainbows.
You have a special soft toy in their bag.
So in other words, to bridge the gap of separation,
leave something with them.
And again, gradually extending the times you leave.
And then the last big tip that comes from
early childhood educators particularly,
is make a quick getaway (laughing).
Don't stay too long.
Remember you've got some time
and keep that farewell exactly the same every time.
See you, darling, I'll see you soon.
And whip on out the door looking really happy.
If your child detects that you're distressed,
then they're gonna catapult into the same place.
So I hope that's given you some wonderful ideas
knowing it's completely normal,
and with tiny steps that become big steps,
you can overcome it.
And if that's helpful, please feel free to post or share it.
And that's all for today.