Stephanie you you just mentioned
that gentle parenting is something
that you are passionate about
to be totally transparent.
This was a term I was not familiar with.
I have a 3 year old and a 6 year
old and my producer Rhonda is
about 10 years younger than I am.
She's on tick tock and she said let's
do a story about gentle parenting.
She had learned about it on Tik T.O.K.
Talk to me about what do you
understand gentle parenting to be?
What are kind of the key principles that
make up the gentle parenting style.
So there are words that
everyone familiar with already.
Those are respect, empathy,
boundaries, and understanding.
So OK, great, what does that mean though?
It is at its core, gentle parenting is.
Actively living the the idea that
your children are their own people.
They are unique individuals and not
just an extension of their parents.
And so by. Getting on board with
that idea that they're not just.
They're not just a kid,
they are adults in training really.
So we want to model that
behavior that enforces. Kindness.
Understanding empathy, you know.
You said you have a 3 year old.
I have a four year old just turned
4 so when they are in tantrum mode.
It can be kind of a go to reaction
to just respond to that tantrum,
the screaming, the irrationality, that's.
Just part and parcel of being a toddler.
They are not rational people yet,
but we have to teach them to get to that
point by modeling that behavior so.
They could be screaming about.
I want the Purple Cup instead
of the Blue Cup,
which has happened at my house a few times.
I found much more success.
With getting down on the floor with her,
giving her a hug and saying
I know you're upset.
This sounds very frustrating and these are
all things that people might think well, why.
Why would you talk to the kid like that?
They don't understand those
rules or those words, it's more.
Being calm, being respectful,
kind of like would you,
would you yell or raise your
voice at a coworker?
No. So.
These little people who then become
tweens and teens and young adults.
The earlier you start them on that path
of empathy and respect and cooperation,
we're a family.
We're in this together.
Gentle parenting is not about blame,
shame, or guilt,
and that's where I and I think that's
where a lot of parents struggle is.
Parents don't want to shame their children.
That sounds horrible,
but when you enforce punishments
that are unrelated to the the action,
you want to correct so you you
hit your sister.
Because you were mad,
now you're grounded from TV.
What does TV have to do with it so?
Parents can struggle with oh so I'm
not supposed to discipline my children.
That's that's not it, but it's.
Inform them about why the action was wrong.
Talk with them about,
you know I feel sad when you do that.
Do you think there's another way
you can do that?
And that's not about guilt that's
meeting them where they're at with
their frustration and and their.
Just uncertainty there.
Their brains are very they're.
They're not fully done yet.
They have a long way to go so.
A hug. A calm voice.
That goes such a long way and they
remember that our bodies remember
emotions and and connection more
than we ever remember words.
Thank you Stephanie.
That was so beautiful and you
know a question that I had for
Sarah and she did address it.
But what does that look like?
And I want to be conscious of your time.
What does that look like?
And I don't know if you have kiddos.
If you have multiple kids or one.
But what does that look like
in a sibling relationship?
Something that we're running into in
our home because I feel like, OK,
that sounds great if I've got one child
who's having a tantrum and I can hug
that one child and help calm them.
But what about if we're running
into a situation where they
feel blame from one another,
and when I go to hug one?
To calm them,
the other feels like I'm giving
that child preferential treatment.
They want that immediate hug.
How do I handle that as one parent
when I can only give one hug at a time?
Or is it I bring them together and hug
them both to try and calm them both?
If if emotions are high and
there is yelling and screaming,
they both need that calming attention.
There's only one of me.
So I do have multiples.
And and they do fight, and they argue.
And literally 10 minutes later,
they're playing together again
and they're having a great time.
So I. I don't know.
I guess it would just call it distraction,
so if they're kind of at each
other's throats and you took my toy.
I, I'll do something kind of out of the
ordinary, like I'll just sit on the floor.
And it's kind of like what what's mom doing.
I can kind of see that cross the
you know go across their face.
One of them, or both of them,
will typically come to me.
Because it's like, well,
wait, what are we doing now?
What is this?
And if one of them is more escalated than
the other, and that's usually the case.
All immediately.
Touch them, you know,
put my hand on her on her shoulder,
on her, on her leg, and say, OK.
What's what's going on?
And I approach it like a
conversation and parents are busy.
Most parents work outside the home.
It it sounds like it's going
to take a long time. It's not.
This is not a big you know
board meeting or something.
This is this is a short short.
We work in brief intervention
here at the hospital.
We're not with patients for months on end,
so it's a brief intervention.
At their level physically and cognitively,
why are you sad? Why are you mad?
Do you need a hug?
With my oldest, it's usually she wants to.
Go up to her room and take a breath.
Kind of chill out a little bit.
My youngest is much more emotional and.
Emotive, just outwardly, very.
Upbeat she's.
She's a hugger, more than my oldest.
So I know that about them and my
husband knows that about them,
and so we we just try to talk it out.
And that takes so much practice
it really does.
There is no such thing as a perfect parent.
It's a daily choice. It's a daily effort.
How can I be better at this?
And how do I want my children
to respond if I yell a lot?
My kids are going to yell a lot.
So it takes. It takes a lot of work.
It's not hard work, but then you do notice.
That the atmosphere in the
in the room isn't so heavy.
It's not so intense.
Kids feel like this is a safe space
for me if I'm going to get upset,
that's OK.
I tell kids here all the time
that I work with.
It's OK for you to feel your feelings.
Yeah, absolutely absolutely.
Do you see Stephanie?
Our parents in West Michigan using this?
Are you hearing more about it?
I think tell me kind of gay if
you can help me gauge you're
more involved in the quote,
UN quote parenting world than I.
Even though of course I am a parent.
We have shockingly few parents in
The Newsroom as my colleagues,
to be honest.
But, but are you hearing of this
more in the West Michigan community?
I am and it's not always.
It's not always described as
gentle parenting as that term.
I've heard versions of it that
that take from the same principles
of gentle parenting and and it
be called mindful parenting.
So that's a focus on we're
right here in this moment.
It doesn't feel great, but we have to.
Acknowledge and respect what's happening
in the moment and how you do that
with your kids is get on their level.
Use a comb voice and validate their feeling.
I know you're upset.
I know your sister made you mad.
How can we work to feel better
and I'm not using big terms there,
so in West Michigan I have seen
a lot more just on Facebook,
so different friends that I've
made over the years.
Unsurprisingly,
a lot of my friends are in
social work and counseling, so.
We do get into these discussions online.
You know if someone's LMFT like a
licensed marriage and family therapist,
for example,
we all share tidbits and oh,
I just read this article and
I read this article,
so it's becoming more of a conversation.
I'm seeing a lot more in the community,
whether it's a flyer on a telephone
pole or my Neighborhood Association is
having an event going on and they're using.
Terms like gentle parenting.
They're using terminology
like mindfulness at home.
How to parent with love?
You know love first kind of a principle.
So not you know I'm in charge I'm
above you and you're below me.
These are the rules because I said
so gentle parenting does not.
Follow that because I said so
kind of old school mentality.
I think it's to the benefit of our kids.
Kids are learning more about
empathy in school.
Kids are learning about mindfulness
in school and it's really nice to see
all that happening in West Michigan.
It really is.
Answered my follow-up question,
Stephanie, because I was gonna say,
you know, does that excite you?
And maybe if you wanna add more to that,
but you did a fabulous job answering it,
you know, does that excite you
to see this sort of catching on?
You know words matter so much and to see
those words being used, it's exciting.
It's exciting. It's it's exciting because.
I feel like it's another major step in
the right direction in honoring the we'll
call it personhood of our little ones.
They are their own people and they are
going to grow up to be their own adults,
so it's exciting because I feel like we are
just kind of at the beginning of teaching
kids to be more understanding, more patient.
More aware of what's happening
emotionally and physically in their
bodies when they're upset so that
they can notice those warning signs.
I don't feel so great or.
I don't like this situation right now.
How can I calm myself down?
And like I said earlier,
our bodies remember feelings and
emotions more than we remember
specific words and so as kids get more
and more exposure to their parents
and guardians being gentle parents,
that's going to stick with them
in the long term.
I think we'll have more cooperation
as a society,
the more that we respect one another.
As you're a human being, I'm a human being.
How can we find common ground
on some of these things?
So I have a lot of hope.
I really do.
I wouldn't be a social worker
if I didn't have that hope.
So yeah,
Stephanie,
thank you. And thank you for
for being on the front lines.
What you do is not easy and
I have so much admiration
and respect for what you do.
So thank you.
Is there anything else that
you would like to say from your
perspective that maybe I
didn't ask you about yes so?
Within my my scope of practice,
working with teens and
adolescents and their families.
Sometimes gentle parenting techniques and
gentle parenting principles are not enough.
That comes into play if you notice your
child is withdrawing from normal activities.
If you notice they are not eating normally,
typically with. Severe depression
people will start eating a lot less.
Sometimes people do start eating a lot more,
but I'm thinking specifically
about young adults.
They will kind of pick up their food.
They won't want to eat at the dinner table
with everyone more time in their room.
Things that they had once enjoyed.
They don't seem to care about anymore.
Those are very clear warning signs
that their mental health is suffering.
That's when you kind of need to be
a little more upfront with them.
You're not texting your friends anymore.
You've skipped softball practice
this many times this week.
What's what's going on if,
and so confronting that because first
and foremost, safety is paramount.
For everyone, but especially
for a teenager who may be less.
App to talk with Mom, Dad, grandma, uncle.
You know they need.
They they don't know what they
need quite yet,
and so they might think they're
crying out for help,
but you might not notice it,
so don't be afraid to ask.
I tell parents this all the time.
If they keep going in their room with
the door closed, give a brief knock.
Say I'm coming in and go in.
They're going to be upset with you for doing
that for breaching that that boundary.
And gentle parenting is about boundaries,
but sometimes you have to do that
also in instances for for anyone
you know whether you have a a
one year old or a 17 year old.
If they seem to be an imminent danger.
Oh yeah.
You have to respond as if it's
life or death and so it could be
a toddler getting too close to
the top of the basement stairs.
You swoop in, you pick them up.
You don't have a discussion about it.
And if if you learn from a friend
or a family member that your teen is
struggling with severe depression.
Maybe even expressing suicidal ideation,
you have to step in because
their lives depend on it.
Absolutely. Stephanie, thank you.
Thank you so much. I really I know
that you're busy with a lot on your
plate and I'm just deeply grateful.