- But I did recently move out and get my own place
and I've got a boyfriend at the moment
and sometimes he's there and sometimes he's not.
And to be honest, I prefer when he's not (laughs).
(crowd laughing)
Sex is a lot quicker.
(crowd laughing)
Because I don't bother with foreplay.
And if ever I miss him, I just a big loud fart
and it's like he was there.
(crowd laughing)
You know one of those farts when you're lying in bed
and it sort of hits you in the face
(crowd laughing)
Like a big wave of warmth.
(crowd laughing)
Like you've just stepped off an aeroplane
in a really hot country
(crowd laughing)
albeit a country that smells of shit.
(crowd laughing) (crowd clapping)
But I have noticed that whenever he comes around
he does need a lot of attention.
He basically needs a shit, a shower, sex and sandwiches.
It's like having a bloody Tamagotchi.
(crowd laughing)
"Oh look, it's died."
(crowd laughing)
But even though I'm in a relationship
I still consider myself to be quite sort of independent.
And I found come Valentine's Day
that cards don't really reflect that.
They're all one extreme or the other.
They're all either sex buddy or soulmate.
There's nothing in between is there?
So it's like wear the cards for the practical woman in love?
Something that says, "I love you, we're having a nice time.
But if we're split up, I'll probably be okay."
(crowd laughing)
I just wondered if you could apply
the same to get well soon cards.
"Get well soon, but if it's terminal,
I hope you go in your sleep."
(crowd laughing)
But I was talking to my mom about the kind of thing
that she used to write in Valentine's Day cards to me dad
like 40 years ago when they first started courting
and show me this poem that she used to write.
And it goes like this.
"I love you, I love you, I love you almighty.
I wish your pyjamas were next to my nighty."
Oh! - Oh...
"Don't be mistaken, don't be misled.
I mean on the clothes line and not in the bed."
(crowd laughing) (woman laughs)
Isn't that lovely?
Not that you could use that today though.
Couldn't you just flip the last two?
I mean in the bed and not on the clothes line.
"I'll shag you, but I'm not doing your washing."
(crowd laughing)
But I am getting on a bit in age.
I'm in my 30s now.
Any women in your 30s then give us a cheer.
(women cheering)
Quite a few of you.
Excellent because when I was turning 30,
I was worried about turning 30
is quite a normal thing.
So I asked a few friends who were also approaching
their 30th birthday how they thought
it was gonna affect them.
"One guy said it means I'm closer to retirement."
Which I thought was a good positive way of looking at it.
But my favourite answer came from a bloke who said,
"I just need to make it a 34
and I've beaten Jesus at living."
(crowd laughing)
But I've got a boyfriend at the moment
and it's going really well,
but I don't really believe in forever.
I don't believe in when people say,
"I'm gonna love you forever."
I don't like it when songs say,
"I'm gonna love you forever."
I know you're not.
You're gonna love us for a little while
and then you're gonna leave us
and you don't really know why.
Sorry. I'm fine. (crowd laughing)
But I did read quite a sad.
(crowd laughing)
Honestly, I'm fine. He was an arse.
(crowd laughing)
But this boyfriend I've got is lovely.
But I did read a story recently about an old...
It was quite a sad story,
about an old couple in their 80s.
They'd been together for like 60 years
and it said in the story that the old lady had died
and a fortnight later the old man had died.
And it said in the article that he died of a broken heart.
He died of a broken heart.
No he hadn't, it's not a medical condition, is it?
I think I figured out.
If she died and a fortnight later he died,
it's just 'cause he can't cook.
(crowd laughing) (crowd clapping)
I think a bloke of that era wouldn't feel very comfortable
sort of asking for help either, would he?
"Hello Hotpoint, I've looked in the oven
and there doesn't seem to be any tea there."
(crowd laughing)
But I went to a friend of mine's recently.
She said, "Come round and I'll cook all your favourite food."
And thought, "What a lovely thing to do for somebody."
So of course I went round and we had a lovely time.
She cooked all my favourite food as promised.
And then about three hours later
I was sitting on the sofa and out of nowhere she just went
"I don't think my lady parts
look like other girls' lady parts.
(crowd laughing)
What am I supposed to do with that?
(crowd laughing)
I realised then that the whole night had been a ploy.
Favourite foods my arse.
"Come and look at me fanny."
Oh. (crowd laughing)
I said, "I'm not looking at it, I'm not looking at it.
But if you draw it on a bit of paper,
I'll have a look at that."
So she drew a bit of paper and I drew mine as well.
And they were quite similar so she was happier.
(crowd laughing)
She said mine was tidier.
I don't really know what that means
but I know I definitely don't wanna look at hers
now that I know that it's messy.
(crowd laughing)
But it could have been worse than drawing on a bit of paper.
Couldn't it?
We could have just put some paint and a done potato print.
(crowd laughing) (crowd clapping)
But I have developed a new hobby.
Some of you probably already do this.
I've started listening into people's conversations
on the bus and the train, it's quite entertaining.
And I was listening not long ago to two old ladies
and they were talking about what they would do
if they were men for a day.
And I thought, "This is gonna be brilliant
'cause pensioners are by definition bonkers."
(crowd laughing)
But I went out to lunch with a couple of my friends
and I thought, "Well I'll ask them the same question."
So my first friend, I said,
"What would you do if you're man for a day?"
Without even thinking she just went, "I'd have a wank."
Ooh. (crowd laughing)
Sounded like she needed two, she sounded awfully tense.
(crowd laughing)
But these old ladies,
different generation to me and my friends
in their 80s and one of them just said,
"Edith, what would you do if you're a man for a day?"
The other one said, "No in my luck, I'd get a Tuesday,
and what can you do on a Tuesday?"
(crowd laughing)
My second friend, I said,
"What would you do if you're man for a day?"
She just said, "I'd just do everything."
And I thought she meant like in a sexual way.
And I said, "Is that what you mean?
Like you'd just do everything?"
And I said, "Is that what you mean?"
She went, "No, no, just all the little jobs
around the house."
(crowd laughing)
But I've been trying to go on a diet.
I'm not really very successful,
but I find that whenever I go shopping
and I can't get into things,
you know when you try clothes on
and you're the size you weren't expecting to be?
I just come home and I put on a song and the song is,
"Big Girls Don't Cry."
You know the song, there's a couple of versions of it.
♪ Big girls, don't cry ♪
Such a load of rubbish that isn't it?
"Big girls don't cry."
Yeah, they do.
(crowd laughing)
Cry 'cause they're fat,
cry 'cause they can't get a boyfriend
and they cry 'cause there's no trifle left.
(crowd laughing)
But I was on holiday in Spain last year
and I'm bragging, I know...
(crowd laughing)
And outside the hotel, it was a lovely pool
and I wanted to go in the pool.
Of course I did.
But I'm not overly confident
with my figure in a swimming costume.
And I was watching the women who were walking in the pool
and these were like tiny
you know these wear for thin, tiny women?
And I thought, "I'm not gonna walk in with one of them.
If I walk in with one of them
people are gonna think I bloody eaten one."
(crowd laughing)
And I wouldn't anyway 'cause there's no meat on them.
(crowd laughing)
So what I decided to do instead
is just to walk in with the children
'cause kids are all really fat these days.
(crowd laughing)
"If I walk in the same time as a nine year old boy
who's got bigger than me nobody's looking at me anymore."
(crowd laughing)
Well, like I say, I don't have kids
and most of my friends don't have kids.
But I think if you ask any woman who doesn't have kids
what would worry them about having kids
would always be childbirth.
It's quite a reasonable thing to worry about childbirth.
From what I understand,
it changes your downstairs, doesn't it?
It changes your downstairs.
I quite like my downstairs the way it is.
Thanks very much.
Certainly don't want a bloody extension.
(crowd laughing)
But it's bound to change though, isn't it?
'Cause you're forced in a person out.
That's what you're doing. You're forcing a person out.
I've never forced a person out.
I've forced a couple in.
(crowd laughing) (crowd clapping)
With a shoe horn.
(crowd laughing)
No, it was just me thumb.
(crowd laughing)
You've been an absolute delight of an audience,
let me leave you on one.
Oh, (laughs).
(crowd clapping) (crowd cheering)
Lemme leave you on one final thing.
Most generous of you, thank you very much.
Let me leave you on one final thing.
Somebody recently noticed I have developed
something of a cake shelf.
(crowd laughing)
It's bigger than a muffin top
so I call it me cake shelf.
Call it me cake shell 'cause that's where I keep my cake.
(crowd laughing)
Somebody said to me recently, "Are you pregnant?"
Oh.
I said, "Only if I've been shagged by Mr. Kaplan."
(crowd laughing) (crowd clapping)
Thanks for watching.
You know what'd be great?
My brand new show, "Bobby Dazzler" is out now
and available exclusively on my website
sarahmillican.co.uk.
Put the kettle on and settle in.