-Here at "Late Night," every night,
I deliver a monologue comprised of jokes
written by a diverse team of writers.
As a result, a lot of jokes come across my desk that,
due to my being a straight white male,
would be difficult for me to deliver,
but we don't think that should stop you from enjoying them.
So we'd like to share them with you now
in a segment called "Jokes Seth Can't Tell."
[ Cheers and applause ]
Hey, everybody, these are two of our writers,
Amber and Jenny.
-I'm black. -And I'm gay.
-And we're both women. -And I'm not.
So, here's how this works.
I will read the setups for these jokes,
and then Amber and Jenny will read the punch lines.
Here we go.
A Virginia woman was arrested for public intoxication
last week after she was spotted carrying a suitcase
with three cats inside.
-Said lesbians, "Three? Where are the rest of her cats?"
[ Laughter ]
-"Esquire" magazine recently featured a profile
on the hardships of growing up white, middle class, and male.
-Said black people, "Ooh! Fiction."
[ Laughter and applause ]
-According to new data, American women
are now more educated than ever.
-And if they get just a little smarter,
they'll stop dating men.
[ Laughter, cheers, applause ]
-President Trump said this weekend
that he thinks African-Americans like him a lot.
-No word yet on who told him that.
It was Kanye.
[ Laughter and applause ]
-And, Amber, real quick, are you a Kanye fan?
-I was until he died. -Oh, he's not dead.
-He's dead to me.
[ Laughter and applause ]
-A new lesbian romance
starring Kate Winslet and Saiorse Ronan
is facing backlash from people who say
the women it's based on weren't really gay.
-Said lesbians, "Shh! Just let them make it."
[ Laughter ]
-Jenny, do you like watching things
with lesbian protagonists?
-Yes! That's why I love this show.
[ Laughter ]
-According to a new report, white people
are primarily responsible for carbon emissions.
-But a black guy's already in jail for it.
[ Laughter, audience groans ]
-"Oh, man! I drive a Prius!"
[ Laughter ]
March is Women's History Month.
-So celebrate by giving women what they want most --
-Quiet tampon wrappers.
[ Laughter, cheers, applause ]
-I don't -- I don't understand.
-Every time a woman tries to quietly
take tampon out of her purse, it sounds like this.
CKCKCKCKCKCKCK! -Ckkckkckk!
-Ckk! -Ckkk!
[ Laughter ]
-I thought you guys were eating popcorn.
[ Laughter ]
Wait!
Wait. This next joke is about an Asian woman.
You guys can't tell this joke.
-No. But our new writer Karen can.
-Hi, everybody! -Oh, great.
[ Cheers and applause ]
-Do you think she can handle it?
-Oh, can she handle reading out loud?
Like your job's so hard. -Right.
Fine. All right.
Naomi Osaka recently became the first Asian tennis player
to be ranked number one in the world.
-Said her mother, "That'll look great
on your application for medical school."
[ Laughter, cheers, applause ]
-All right. Yeah!
That was great, Karen.
-Gee, thanks, Seth.
It was really hard reading those words.
I don't know how you do it, Seth.
[ Laughter ]
-She learned to be mean to me from you two!
-[ Laughing ]
A company in Australia is allowing employees
to take 12 weeks of life leave per year,
which can be used for travel or relaxing.
-While a company in America will give women a half day
if they give birth at their desk.
[ Laughter ]
-A court in Michigan ruled yesterday
that giving the middle finger to a police officer
is an act of free speech.
-Said black people, "You first."
[ Laughter and applause ]
-Hey, Seth, why don't you tell one?
-Oh, no, I couldn't! -Come on! Just one.
-I feel like I'll get in trouble if do I one.
-Oh, come on. Do it!
-Okay, I will, 'cause I trust you both.
-Great. [ Laughter ]
The head of NASA claimed in an interview last week
that the first person on Mars is likely to be a woman.
And then, if it's safe, they'll send the men.
-How dare you! -You told me it would be okay!
-You should be ashamed of yourself!
-You wrote that for me today and handed it to me at my desk!
Lesbians and black women are liars!
[ Cheers and applause ]
We'll be right back with Issa Rae, everybody!
[ Cheers and applause ]
♪♪