Welcome to Bikini Bottom Inquirer.
Here's your host, the o-fish-al voice
of Bikini Bottom, Perch Perkins.
[babbling]
Hey, get out of my chair!
[babbling]
Sorry. That's our new intern.
Oh, uh, and here's the real Perch Perkins.
Thanks, announcer guy.
Wait a second. Do not know my name?
Perch, come on. We went to college together.
Yeah, I totally remember you. [chuckles]
You are, uh, uh... [chuckles]
I- I- It's coming to me.
It's too late, Perch.
Tonight's top stories...
Local hero named Honorary Town Rookie of the Day.
Even though he doesn't deserve it as much as me.
Then, the horrifying truth
behind jelly beans is finally revealed.
And lastly, giant immaterial letters
have mysteriously appeared in the midst
of Jellyfish Fields.
Find out what archaeologists are saying
about this strange phenomenon.
But first, network contracts require us
to do a Lurch Lurkins' segment,
so, let's get this out of the way early
with today's weather.
Lurch.
You might want to stay indoors
as we are experiencing a very high chance
of weaponized lightning strikes.
There are flames coming in from the east. Ah! And west.
And a 90% chance of robotic jellyfish- Ah!
All knees will bow to Plankton.
Make that 100% chance of robotic jellyfish
wreaking destruction on the city.
Other than that,
it's a beautiful, sunny day here.
Okay, that's the weather, Perch. Get me out of here.
[screaming] Oh! Send help!
[chuckles]
Oh, Lurch, you know I'm busy doing a show.
Send the intern!
Yeah, sorry. I don't know where he is right now.
[babbling]
No, no, he'll be fine. Just- just give me that coffee.
[babbling]
All right, Lurch, we'll check back later
for any updates.
Perch!
Next up, honorary rookie of the day was once again
given to someone other than me.
We're going to make this kid Honorary Town Rookie of the day.
♪ For he's a jolly good rookie For he's a jolly good rookie ♪
♪ For he's a jolly good rookie♪
Local hero, SpongeBob SquarePants,
shed his disguise
as local fry cook SpongeBob SquarePants
earlier today,
and took to the streets to retrieve a stolen... sandwich
or something. I mean, who cares?
Meanwhile, I sit here every day, working tirelessly
to keep Bikini Bottom informed without so much as a thank you.
And I do good deeds too.
Roll that tape of me cleaning up that litter.
Hey, what's this litter doing here?
See.
But it's good to know that these types of awards
are going to the real heroes out there for protecting...
sandwiches.
I mean, this guy must be so brave
to take on a criminal half the size of his pinky finger.
Great job, SpongeBob.
You definitely deserve this award over me.
Give me a break.
And that brings me to today's community poll.
Vote now, and I'll read results live later today.
Me... or this rectangle?
You know what? Hey, DoodleBob...
[babbling]
Give me that pencil.
[babbling]
There. That's more like it.
[shrieking] Get it off me! Get it off me!
Stop filming. Cut to Lurch or something.
Help!
Somebody, get me outta here! [groaning]
[beeping]
Our next story.
Health and safety violations in Bikini Bottom.
[cricket chirping]
I mean more than usual.
It all started when authorities learned
that the Krusty Krab was locking its customers
in the building using
military grade armored technology.
Here's Officer John Slugfish with a report.
After an investigation, it appears
that the restaurant is locking its customers in the building
using military grade armored technology.
Yeah, I just said that. Shortly after this news broke,
another business was caught
illegally selling severed human noses.
Here's Officer John Slugfish with a report.
After an investigation, it appears
the shop has been illegally selling severed human noses.
Okay, why did we bring this guy in?
As if that wasn't enough,
the Department of Underwater Health and Safety
is now investigating a lawsuit filed
against Big Jellybean Corp.
When one customer noticed something horrifying
about his green jelly beans. And we have that customer
on the line now for today's...
Mr. Bass, can you hear me?
You can call me Bubble.
Okay, [chuckles] I'm not going to do that.
Tell us about your horrifying jelly bean experience.
Yes, when I was minding my own business,
eating a handful of jelly beans when I noticed
that one of the jelly beans had wiggling antennas,
tiny legs and one bulging red eye.
Oh. That sounds absolutely disgusting.
So, I tried to eat it for several minutes,
but he kept running away from me.
When I couldn't catch it, I decided to sue.
Wait. That's the same tiny guy who stole the Krabby Patty
in the last story.
I'm surprised they didn't give you rookie of the day for that.
I mean, apparently, they'll give that award to just about anyone.
Even though I'm the one-
[shrieking]
Come on, get that thing away from me.
Erase it or something. Cut to Lurch. Cut to Lurch.
[sirens wailing]
We'll be right back after this short message.
Bikini Bottom Inquirer brought to you by Big Jellybean Corp.
Now less likely to contain vermin.
♪ Big Jellybean Corp We're probably vermin free ♪
Now, for our top story...
Okay, okay. All right, we get it.
That's right.
Strange, immaterial letters were uncovered
all over Jellyfish Fields this morning.
Leaving citizens and scientists alike wondering,
what does it mean? Is it a message from aliens?
Are they ancient glyphs that were somehow unearthed?
Are they just giant metaphors
symbolizing a closed-minded character learning
something through song?
♪ F is for friends Who do stuff together ♪
♪ U is for you and me ♪
Try it.
♪ N is for anywhere And anytime at all ♪
♪ Down here In the deep blue sea ♪
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, we get it.
While nobody knows the truth,
top archeologists are working tirelessly
to decode the message, to no avail.
When asked how they feel about decoding
such a difficult message, they all said...
Before we sign off,
I'm getting word that the results are in.
You voted Bikini Bottom,
and now it's time for you to decide
who really deserves the title of honorary rookie of the day.
And the winner is...
You know what? This was a stupid poll anyway.
Who cares what the people vote? It's not like it means anything.
I'm Perch Perkins.
Perch. Oh, thank Neptune, I finally made it
out of that terrible storm.
Back in the studio, safe and s- Ah! Ah!
What is that thing?!
Perch! Get it off me, Perch!
[screaming]
And that's all the news that fit to float. Good night.
[music playing]
[screaming] It's horrible!
[screaming]