'And where is this one, where is this wonderful virgin.'
Welcome back to my Dark Corner of this Sick World.
‘I told you once, I told you a hundred times.'
Given our love of 80s sword, sandal and sorcery films Yor, Gor and Thor,
We're now with Ator, boldly adding an extra syllable.
The film opens as an audio book.
‘Take heed, when the thousand years is done a man will come to promise a different way, and he shall be called Toran’
Boy was I expecting him to say Ator, but it’s a long story.
‘But Toran will fail for the wrath of the spider king is mighty indeed’
Never ceases to be weird to me that people writing this stuff spend so much more time on backstory than story.
‘That belonged to Chung the terrible, I defeated him in combat during the assault on the city of the winds which was governed by the notorious 7 siamese sisters.’
That sounds better than anything in this film.
Anyway, we open in Rapunzel’s recurring nightmare.
This is the spider king who is disturbed by a recent birth,
‘He has the sign of Toran’
‘In order to avert this calamity the child must die.’
I’m going to gloss over why,
but the child is saved by a man who seems to have ulterior motives.
‘I Greeba, will be avenged through this child’
But Greeba’s not really best-placed to raise a child.
We need to invent the pram.
And the wheel.
Is this the mummy and me group?
Greeba leaves the baby with this family.
‘You will lack nothing, because nothing must lack Ator’
What? The dialogue in this film veers from meaningless to we read too much Tolkien.
‘The earth trembles like a virgin being drawn to the nuptial bed’
Vivid. Ator grows up into Miles O’Keefe and falls in love.
‘I got you a present’
I never know what to get girls,
'I love you.'
she loves him too, but…
‘Why can’t we marry?’
‘Ator, we’re brother and sister’
Just to be clear, their parents never told them they’re not related, they think they’re brother and sister.
‘I’ll talk with our father’
I just need a good way to broach the subject.
‘You remember how our ancestors used to allow marriage between brother and sister? I know times have changed but…’
Look how hot she is.
So good news.
‘Sunya is not your sister’
This is how to tell a kid they’re adopted.
‘You both sucked the same milk from the same breasts’#
Oh will you stop talking about my breasts.
Ator and Sunya get married while the rest of the village stand around going ‘Yeah, right, adopted. Funny how that worked out’.
But…
‘Destroy them’
The spider king attacks and Sunya is kidnapped.
Ator sets out to rescue her by attacking a total stranger with his back turned.
On the one hand, he’s clearly useless, on the other, the lengthy training sequence with Greeba does make you wonder what’s happening to Sunya.
‘Have no fear, for the moment she is in no danger. They want her alive.’
Not necessarily a good thing.
Ator now rescues everyone’s favourite 80s heroine, Sabrina Siani.
'Cowards,m think you can attack a lone woman!'
Proving himself a hero.
‘Were they trying to rob you?’ ‘I was the one who robbed them.’
Oh well, it’s good enough for Greeba who rewards him with his father’s sword.
‘Now I’ll avenge my honour’
and I guess rescue Sunya.
Ator hurries on his quest.
Still useless.
He’s caught by the obligatory female tribe.
They want him to father their new queen with, you’ll never guess, Sabrina Siani, playing Roon.
‘Are you ready to perform the duty that is my right? ‘
‘Well…. no’
Guessing that doesn’t happen often.
He’s still hung up on Sunya.
‘I hope she’s still alive’
If not, you’ve got first dibs.
The odds are pretty good I’ve really been phoning in this rescue.
Roon joins Ator’s quest, sneaking him out into the wood.
Now subscribers will know that a woodland pool always means nude bathing but few can pull it off like Sabrina Siani.
But then Roon is tricked by a disappearing faun and trapped.
So we need a replacement girl.
‘It doesn’t matter who I am’
That’s a very honest assessment – although cult fans will recognise Black Emmanuelle star, Laura Gemser.
Watch our review Women's Prison Massacre to see more of her... much more.
She seduces Ator with wild promises.
‘The days will run into the nights and the nights into the days’
That’s pretty much how it works.
‘You will be mine until you have no strength left to gratify me’
Should have opened with that.
Now I had assumed that Ator would rescue Roon but…
The bear does it.
'Good boy, you found me.'
Which, incidentally gets the Dark Corners R2D2 award for, spending the whole movie desperately keeping up and not even getting a medal.
It now helps rescue Ator.
'Get out of here.'
Every hero has to learn the trade but we’re an hour in and Ator’s lack of heroism is noticeable.
But now they are pursued by the walking dead, until…
‘They’ve disappeared. Come on, let’s get out of here’
At some point this is taking the piss. In a bar, Roon gets into a fight.
Oh don’t worry about me, you run off after Greeba.
'What's the hurry.'
Who has reappeared to make things even easier for his useless protégé.
‘Now you must got ot he volcano of the shadow and take possession of the shield of Mordor the shield that wards off death.’
Well that sounds like an opportunity to prove himself.
‘We’ll have to pass through the cavern of the blind warriors’
I’m sure it’s tougher than it sounds.
My mistake.
They find the brightly reflective shield and…
Looks silly but Ator is in real danger against the shadow warrior.
Wow, embarrassing. You know that thing cats do when they fall down, then make pretend ‘Oh I meant to do that’ Same energy.
'Welcome Ator!'
Now Ator confronts the spider King.
And after a lengthy fight...
probably should tried that first.
Bad guys really struggle with mirrors.
Roon stays to fight off the guards while Ator goes to save Sunya.
‘Save me!’
I’ve been down here for months!
Now a shocking reveal.
‘No one can obstruct the will of the spider’
Greeba is a bad guy?
‘But you guided me.’
'In order to gain my rightful place, I must return to what I have always been.'
Can you guys talk about this later!
Ator saves Sunya defeats the spider god.
and… Well damn.
That seems very unfair, she saved his life like 4 times.
There are 3 more Ator films, is he any less useless in those? I feel like we’ll get to them.
'It is done.'
Looks silly but Thor... Thor... fcking hell.
That things that cats do when they fall down and... shit.... and shit as they do when they fall down.
Thanks for watching. For more sword, sorcery and Sabrina Siani, click here.
Spiders are go to bad guys, what are your favourite archnophobe triggering movies?
Let us know in the comments below.
'Ator take me away from here.'