If you forgot that, back in 2004, there was a King Arthur movie called King Arthur…you’d
be forgiven, because so did I. That’s the way it works.
Movies come and go, and the great ones stay with us.
The bad ones…I don’t know.
I don’t even remember this.
But I know it exists, because I’m sitting here playing the video game.
Unless it’s all an elaborate hoax.
Some kind of spell.
It’s King Arthur, for the GameCube.
So here it is.
The video game based on the movie, King Arthur.
Starring Clive Owen.
And the fake Natalie Portman.
Anyway, it’s a hack-and-slash action game.
And to the game’s credit, the first time you play it, it reminds you of the Lord of
the Rings games from Electronic Arts.
Which were awesome.
Then you get five minutes into it, and you’re like, “This is not as much fun as those
Lord of the Rings games from Electronic Arts.”
So each mission gives you different characters to choose from.
Arthur, Lancelot, Guinevere, Tristan and Bors.
And each character has their own strengths.
So Arthur’s the best with a blade, Guinevere’s the best with a bow…unfortunately, that’s
where the differences end.
‘Cause each mission, each level, is pretty much exactly the same as the one before.
Kill the enemies, get to the end, survive…kill the enemies.
You know, it’s not that a hack-and-slash game can’t be good.
I mentioned the Lord of the Rings games that EA did.
They were fantastic.
And it’s not that there isn’t a certain degree of repetition that’s inherent with
any hack-and-slash game—even the good ones.
But King Arthur operates on a whole new level of repetition.
I mean, this is just a mind-numbing experience.
And thumb-numbing, too.
Seriously, this game will desensitize you in more ways than one.
So how does it work?
Well…I mean, you’re looking at it.
You mash buttons until the end of the level, at which point you get to upgrade with the
experience points you earned in-game.
That’s a good thing…but the upgrades are so limited and so expensive, they don’t
really do much.
Then, it’s back to the game.
Back to more repetitive music.
More…hacking and slashing.
More…bitching and complaining.
This game sucks.
So you have a weak, medium and strong attack.
And you can also switch to a ranged weapon, like a bow.
Neither option is especially effective.
The swords are weak, and take way too many hits to kill your enemies…and aiming your
bow is insanely clunky.
In fact, just switching to the bow is weird.
You have to press the Z button, which is strike one.
No game should use the GameCube’s crappy little Z button for anything that important.
And if you try to switch weapons before your character’s attack has completely finished,
the button doesn’t register.
The attack animation has to end completely before you can switch.
But the real frustration is its difficulty.
This is a movie game.
Not only that, it’s a hack-and-slash game.
And yet, it’s insanely difficult.
There may only be about three enemy models in the whole freaking game, but they swarm
you.
Which could be awesome, right?
Yeah, it could be.
If the controls were tight and the combat was fun.
But they’re not.
And listen…let me tell you something.
Riding a horse in this game?
Might be the worst thing I’ve ever done in any game, ever.
Now, to the game’s credit, it’s not all terrible.
It’s actually a pretty decent-looking game, to be honest.
Some of the environments look pretty nice.
And like any game, it’s much better with a friend in co-op.
But that’s the thing.
When you’re playing alone, your AI partner is laughably terrible.
It’s incredible.
They don’t do a goddamn thing, other than piss you off.
And watch you die.
Some friend you are.
Arthur.
I don’t even want to go to Camelot.
It’s a silly place.
And this is a…silly game.
It’s King Arthur for the GameCube.
This game sucks.