>> Stephen: FANTASTIC.
FANTASTIC TO BE HERE, EVERYBODY.
WELCOME TO "A LATE SHOW."
I'M YOUR HOST STEPHEN COLBERT.
PUT THE COFFEE DOWN, DON'T WANT ANYBODY TO GET BURNED.
WE'VE HAD SOME FUN WITH DONALD TRUMP OVER THE YEARS.
WE'VE LAUGHED, WE'VE CRIED, WE'VE MOSTLY CRIED.
BUT EVERY ONCE IN A WHILE YOU GET A TROUBLING REMINDER THAT
HE'S PRESIDENT.
LKE THIS WEEKEND WHEN, TO FILL RUTH BADER GINSBERG'S SEAT ON
THE SUPREME COURT, TRUMP NOMINATED FEDERAL JUDGE AND
IN-HOUSE ATTORNEY AT WESTWORLD, AMY CONEY BARRETT.
SENATE REPUBLICANS CELEBRATED BY HAWKING FUNDRAISING T-SHIRTS
THAT SAY, "NOTORIOUS A.C.B."
R.B.G.'S NOT EVEN IN THE GROUND YET AND YOU'RE STEALING HER
NICKNAME?
THAT'S THE MOST GHOULISH MOVE SINCE 1865 WHEN ANDREW JOHNSON
CALLED HIMSELF HONEST ANDY.
"I SHALL NOT PERISH FROM THIS EARTH."
A LOT OF VOTERS SEE THIS AS JUST A NAKED POWER GRAB, BECAUSE
ACCORDING TO A RECENT "WASHINGTON POST"-ABC
NEWS-FROSTED FLAKES POLL, 57% OF AMERICANS SAY THE SUPREME
COURT PICK SHOULD BE LEFT TO THE WINNER OF THE PRESIDENTIAL
ELECTION.
THE MAJORITY OF AMERICANS DON'T WANT TRUMP TO FILL R.B.G.'S SEAT
RIGHT NOW.
BUT, IF THE MAJORITY OF AMERICANS GOT WHAT THEY WANTED
HILLARY CLINTON WOULD BE PRESIDENT, JON SNOW WOULD BE ON
THE IRON THRONE, AND MALLOMARS WOULD BE AVAILABLE YEAR ROUND.
COME ON, NABISCO!
HAVE YOU HEARD OF REFRIGERATED TRUCKS?
SEASONAL COOKIE MY ASS!
FIGHT IT?
FIGHT IT.
BUT THERE'S NOT A LOT DEMOCRATS CAN DO TO STOP BARRETT FROM
BEING CONFIRMED.
AS ILLINOIS SENATOR DICK DURBIN EXHALED THIS WEEKEND:
>> WE CAN SLOW IT DOWN PERHAPS A MATTER OF HOURS, MAYBE DAYS AT
THE MOST, BUT WE CAN'T STOP THE OUTCOME.
>> STEPHEN: SENATOR DURBIN IS RIGHT.
JUSTICE BARRETT IS INEVITABLE.
LIKE DEATH AND DONALD TRUMP NOT PAYING HIS TAXES.
SPEAKING OF WHICH, LAST NIGHT WE LEARNED "'THE NEW YORK TIMES'
OBTAINED DONALD TRUMP'S TAXES FOR THE LAST 20 YEARS."
WE GOT THE RETURNS!
AND TRUMP IS IN SOME DEEP W-2 DOO.
NOW, "THE NEW YORK TIMES" WOULDN'T REVEAL THEIR SOURCES,
BUT WE DO HAVE THIS EXCLUSIVE LEAKED FOOTAGE OF "TIMES"
REPORTERS OBTAINING TRUMP'S RETURNS.
(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC) NOT SURE WHY IT CUTS BACK TO
ALFRED MOLINA SO LONG THERE AT THE END.
HE'S A FINE ACTOR BUT I THINK WE'RE DONE WHEN HE GETS THE
TAXES.
( BLEEP ).
( LAUGHTER ) ( CRUNCHING SOUNDS )
ONE OF THE BIG HEADLINES IS THAT IN 2016, THE YEAR HE WON THE
PRESIDENCY, TRUMP PAID $750 IN FEDERAL INCOME TAXES.
( LAUGHTER ) $750?!
TRUMP PAID STORMY DANIELS $130,000, AND HE SCREWED THE
COUNTRY WAY MORE.
AND 750'S GENEROUS BECAUSE, TURNS OUT, TRUMP PAID NO INCOME
TAXES AT ALL IN TEN OF THE PREVIOUS 15 YEARS.
PARTLY BECAUSE OF QUESTIONABLE SO-CALLED BUSINESS EXPENSES,
INCLUDING MORE THAN $70,000 PAID TO STYLE HIS HAIR DURING "THE
APPRENTICE."
HE SPENT $70,000 ON THAT?
I CAN'T BELIEVE I'M GOING TO SAY THIS, BUT... HE SHOULD HAVE PAID
MORE.
TRUMP FOUND SO MANY LOOPHOLES THAT IN 2010, HE CLAIMED, AND
RECEIVED, AN INCOME TAX REFUND TOTALING $72.9 MILLION.
I ASSUME WHEN THE GOVERNMENT SENDS YOU A REFUND THAT BIG, THE
CHAIRMAN OF THE FED SHOWS UP WITH A GIANT NOVELTY CHECK.
AND YOU KNOW HOW TRUMP'S ALWAYS TALKING ABOUT HOW HE'S UNDER
AUDIT?
TURNS OUT, THAT'S BECAUSE THE I.R.S. ISN'T CERTAIN THAT
TRUMP'S REFUND WAS, UH, THE LEGAL.
AND HE BETTER WIN THIS AUDIT, BECAUSE IF HE LOSES HE WOULD OWE
THE I.R.S. TAXES AND PENALTIES THAT COULD EXCEED $100 MILLION.
(AS TRUMP) "HEY, MEXICO, FORGET ABOUT THAT
WALL.
JUST PAY FOR MY TAX BILL.
UNCLE SAM'S GONNA TAKE MY THUMBS.
HE'S GONNA TAKE MY THUMBS!" THERE'S A GOOD CHANCE OL' FAKE
BILLIONAIRE PRESIDENT WOULDN'T BE ABLE TO PAY THAT BILL
BECAUSE TURNS OUT THE PRESIDENT'S BUSINESSES HAVE
AMASSED CHRONIC LOSSES THAT HE AGGRESSIVELY EMPLOYS TO AVOID
PAYING TAXES.
IT'S A CLASSIC "PRODUCERS" SITUATION.
TRUMP TRIED TO EARN MORE MONEY WITH A FLOP THAN WITH A HIT.
ALSO, THERE ARE NAZIS.
IN FACT, SINCE 2000, TRUMP'S BELOVED GOLF COURSES HAVE BEEN
$315.6 MILLION IN THE HOLE.
SOMEONE NEEDS TO EXPLAIN TO HIM THAT IN GOLF YOU WANT A LOW
SCORE, IN GOLF BUSINESS YOU REALLY DON'T WANT TO FINISH 315
MILLION UNDER PAR.
ONE OF THE FEW THINGS THAT EARNED TRUMP ANY MONEY WAS "THE
APPRENTICE," WHICH BROUGHT HIM A TOTAL OF $427 MILLION.
SO TRUMP MADE MORE MONEY IN REALITY TV THAN HE DID IN
REALITY.
THAT EXPLAINS HIS NEW SERIES "SO YOU THOUGHT HE WAS A
MILLIONAIRE."
NOW, SOME ARE SAYING HIS DIRE FINANCIAL STRAITS PROVE THAT HE
ONLY RAN FOR PRESIDENT TO REANIMATE THE MARKETABILITY OF
HIS NAME.
BUT IT'S A CLASSIC BRANDING STRATEGY.
>> ADVERTISING IS BASED ON ONE THING --
>> DESTROYING DEMOCRACY!
>> Stephen: IN ADDITION TO TRUMP'S BUSINESS
LOSSES, HE IS PERSONALLY RESPONSIBLE FOR LOANS AND OTHER
DEBTS TOTALING $421 MILLION.
TO PUT THAT IN LAYMEN'S TERMS: I CAN'T.
IT'S $421 MILLION.
BUT I WILL SAY THIS: WHEN I GRADUATED FROM COLLEGE, I OWED
MY UNIVERSITY $100, 'CAUSE I LOST A LIBRARY
BOOK, AND THEY WOULDN'T SEND ME MY DIPLOMA.
I HAD TO BORROW IT FROM MY MOM.
BUT $421 MILLION, NORMALLY YOU DON'T FIND SOMEONE WHO OWES THAT
KIND OF MONEY IN THE OVAL OFFICE.
YOU FIND THEM WASHED UP ON THE BANKS OF A RIVER.
AND TRUMP ONLY LOOKS LIKE HE WASHED UP ON THE BANKS OF A
RIVER.
♪ ♪
♪ >> BLOAT GLOAT SLAM!
>> STEPHEN: SO, SOMEBODY OUT THERE, WE DON'T KNOW WHO, HAS
GOT THE LEADER OF THE FREE WORLD BY THE SHORT HAIRS.
IF HE GETS REELECTED, AIR FORCE ONE IS GONNA END UP ON
"PAWNSTARS."
"BEST I COULD DO IS $2,000.
IT'S GOT A LOT OF HAMBURGER STAINS."
IT'S BAD, IT'S VERY, VERY BAD FOR A PRESIDENT TO OWE SO MUCH
MONEY.
IN FACT, SIGNIFICANT DELINQUENT DEBT DISQUALIFIES MOST PEOPLE
FROM OBTAINING A GOVERNMENT SECURITY CLEARANCE BECAUSE IT'S
A POINT OF LEVERAGE FOR FOREIGN ADVERSARIES.
YOU CAN'T TRUST ANYONE WITH THAT KIND OF CONFLICT OF INTEREST.
YOU WOULDN'T WANT TO GO IN FOR LIVER SURGERY AND FIND OUT YOUR
DOCTOR OWES A LOT OF MONEY TO HANNIBAL LECTER.
"IS THE PATIENT SEDATED?
GREAT, OPEN THE CHIANTI AND START SAUTEÉING THE FAVA BEANS."
NOW, OF COURSE THE PRESIDENT HAD A RESPONSE TO THESE ALLEGATIONS.
AND MUCH LIKE THE FINANCES THEMSELVES, IT DOESN'T EXACTLY
STAND UP TO SCRUTINY.
HE TWEETED, "THE FAKE NEWS MEDIA, JUST LIKE ELECTION TIME
2016, IS BRINGING UP MY TAXES AND ALL SORTS OF OTHER NONSENSE
WITH ILLEGALLY OBTAINED INFORMATION AND ONLY BAD
INTENT."
WAIT.
IT CAN'T BE BOTH MADE UP AND ILLEGALLY OBTAINED.
IT'S A LIKE A HUSBAND SAYING "I'M NOT SLEEPING WITH YOUR
SISTER!
ALSO, WLKING IN ON US WAS A HUGE VIOLATION OF OUR PRIVACY."
THIS WEEKEND, JOE BIDEN PICKED UP A KEY ENDORSEMENT: FORMER
PROFESSIONAL WRESTLER AND BUILDING THAT WISHED TO BE A
REAL BOY, DWAYNE "THE ROCK" JOHNSON."
JOHNSON MADE HIS ANNOUNCEMENT IN A VIDEO ON SUNDAY MORNING.
>> HAPPY SUNDAY, EVERYBODY.
WE ARE APPROXIMATELY FIVE WEEKS AWAY FROM ELECTION DAY.
ARGUABLY THE MOST CRITICAL ELECTION OUR COUNTRY HAS SEEN IN
DECADES.
>> STEPHEN: POWERFUL WORDS-- I ASSUME.
I WASN'T LISTENING BECAUSE I WAS TOO DISTRACTED BY HOW
ABSOLUTELY MEAT-BEEFED HE IS!
GOOD GOD.
IT'S LIKE SOMEONE STUFFED A CASHMERE SWEATER FULL OF BOWLING
BALLS.
JEFF KOONS CALLED.
HE WANTS HIS STEEL BALLOON ANIMAL BACK.
♪ ♪
♪ >> POP ART SLAM!
>> STEPHEN: THE ROCK ALSO POSTED A CLIP FROM A ZOOM CALL HE DID
WITH BIDEN AND KAMALA HARRIS WHERE HE HAD A QUESTION FOR
THEM: >> HOW WILL THE BOTH OF YOU EARN
THE RESPECT OF THE AMERICAN PEOPLE
ONCE YOU'RE IN THE WHITE HOUSE?
>> BY DOING WHAT WE SAY WE'RE GONNA DO.
BY KEEPING OUR WORD THE AMERICAN PEOPLE ARE STRONG,
THEY'RE TOUGH.
>> STEPHEN: OKAY, ARE YOU JUST SAYING THAT BECAUSE YOU'RE
LOOKING AT THE ROCK?
(AS BIDEN) "THEY'RE STRONG!
THEY'RE TOUGH.
THEY'RE BALD!
THEY'RE 'JUMANJI,' THEY'RE 'FAST & FURIOUS,' THEY'RE HOBBES,
THEY'RE SHAW, THEY'RE 'BALLERS,' JACK!
COME ON!" JOHNSON ALSO HAD KIND WORDS FOR
BIDEN'S RUNNING MATE: >> KAMALA, I'M GONNA EMBARRASS
YOU JUST FOR A LITTLE BIT BECAUSE I'M GONNA TALK ABOUT
YOUR-- YOUR AMAZING EXPERIENCE.
YOU HAVE BEEN AN ATTORNEY, A DISTRICT ATTORNEY, A STATE
ATTORNEY, A U.S. SENATOR, SMART, TOUGH.
I'VE SEEN YOU IN THOSE HEARINGS AND, UM, IN MY OPINION, YOU ARE
A CERTIFIED BADASS.
>> STEPHEN: WOW, THAT IS HIGH PRAISE.
THE ROCK CERTIFYING YOU A BADASS IS LIKE TRUMP CERTIFYING YOU AS
HAVING A BAD AS.
(AS TRUMP) "VERY DUMPY.
VERY DIMPLY.
NICE PUDDIN' PANTS.
YOU COULD REALLY PUNISH THE PORCELAIN WITH THAT TERRIBLE
TUSH."
NOW, THIS ENDORSEMENT COULD GIVE BIDEN AN EDGE IN SWING STATES
LIKE NORTH CAROLINA, WHERE THE PRESIDENTIAL RACE IS TIGHT.
ALTHOUGH NOT NEARLY AS TIGHT AS THE ROCK'S SWEATER!
I MEAN, COME ON!
IT'S LIKE A PILE OF CANTALOUPES SQUEEZED INTO A ONESIE FROM THE
BABY GAP!
IT'S TOO BAD FOR TRUMP THAT HE DIDN'T LOCK DOWN THE "FAST &
FURIOUS" VOTE, BECAUSE ACCORDING TO A BRAND NEW "WASHINGTON
POST"-ABC NEWS-E.L. FUDGE POLL, NATIONALLY, BIDEN HOLDS A
COMMANDING TEN POINT LEAD.
BUT REMEMBER, THAT'S WITH A MARGIN OF ERROR OF PLUS OR MINUS
ONE ELECTORAL COLLEGE.
AND WEIRDLY, MEN HAVE NOT HAD MUCH CHANGE OF HEART FROM FOUR
YEARS AGO, BECAUSE "TRUMP'S LEAD AMONG MEN IS ABOUT THE SAME AS
HIS MARGIN OVER HILLARY CLINTON IN 2016."
COME ON, MY MANS!
YOU'RE CLINGING TO TRUMP LIKE A WORN OUT PAIR OF BRIEFS.
LET HIM GO, HE'S NOTHING BUT LOOSE WAISTBAND AND SKID MARKS,
AND HE'S MAKING THE WOMEN IN YOUR LIFE LOSE SEXUAL INTEREST!
SPEAKING OF WOMEN LOSING INTEREST, "WHITE WOMEN-- A GROUP
THAT TRUMP WON BY NINE POINTS BACK IN 2016, NOW FAVOR BIDEN BY
A 15 POINT MARGIN."
WOW, THAT'S A 24-POINT SWING.
AND THE FIRST TIME TRUMP HAS MADE THAT MANY WOMEN GO AWAY
WITHOUT HAVING TO PAY THEM.
♪ ♪
>> STORMY SLAMIELS!
>> STEPHEN: WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.
MARIAH CAREY IS HERE.
BUT WHEN WE COME BACK, I'LL PREVIEW TOMORROW'S DEBATE.
♪ ♪