and I am a mother.
Anybody have kids out there?
(audience cheers)
I am a mom.
I'm an old mom,
I had my children later in life.
Is it selfish to say,
I prayed and prayed,
I wanted a little girl?
I just wanted a little girl
because I would know
what to teach her.
Buy more clothes, you're a princess,
(audience laughing)
but you change when you
have a son, right ladies?
You think, if a girl did that to my son,
I'd think, that manipulating
girl.
(audience laughing)
What kind of a
mother does she have?
And of course, the doctor told me
that my eggs were too old.
They told me my eggs
were scrambled, actually.
(audience laughing)
He told me that my eggs
have little crow's feet
and a little walker
and those little fishies.
Wait!
(audience laughing)
Yes, he told me I couldn't
have any children,
but God had a different plan in mind
(audience applauding)
Thank you.
and I am the mother of a beautiful—
I had a little boy.
Well, he was 10 and a half pounds.
Instead of a birth certificate,
they gave him a driver's license.
(audience laughing)
People ask me what did I crave,
I said a surrogate mother.
My body felt like a little
Volkswagen in the circus.
Remember the circus where the
clowns all just kept coming out?
That's a visual.
Coming out
and we argued about naming my
sweet precious first angel.
We—he—
the husband
wanted to name my son Moses.
Moses Joseph, so we
could nickname him MoJo
(audience laughing)
and then I thought
I couldn't have another child,
but God had another idea in mind.
So, we had our second one
and we called him Oops
(audience laughing)
and then I got spayed
(audience laughing)
because I'm on the farm, right?
I thought that boys would just—
you know, boys are just so active,
I just didn't know about boys.
I didn't know that they
just didn't sit still.
I had been a beauty queen,
so I would walk normal.
I would just walk like a girl.
I would walk lovely,
walk lovely.
and I take my two kids to the mall
and I'm walking, walking, and walking.
Where are you?
They just are so—
they were just so active.
In fact, I had to put
a harness on the two boys
and the church,
my church friend at church.
She said she couldn't believe that I
put a harness on my kids
and I said,
"Well, I just want him to live."
(audience laughing)
I didn't know that the boys
wouldn't just
love each other automatically.
I didn't know I had
to hypnotize the big one
into loving the little one.
We love our brother.
We do not hurt our brother.
We do not put a pillow
over our brother's head
(audience laughing)
and all he could say back to me is,
"Red rum, red rum, red rum."
(audience laughing)
And then of course,
they were so active.
I'd put them in front of the TV
and "Barney" was playing
back then, remember "Barney"?
I always felt like a bad mother
because Barney
would say to the kids,
"Do you want a piece
"of candy or an apple?"
And the kid would say,
"I want an apple."
Not a normal human child.
(audience laughing)
You know they were going to grow up
into some repressed
bank robber, singing,
♪ I hate you, you hate me, ♪
♪ I'm in a dysfunctional family. ♪
♪ With a great big smack ♪
♪ and a kick from you to me, ♪
♪ now I'm seeking therapy ♪
(audience laughing)