I cry for help but ranch fills my mouth and throat. I'm drowning in ranch. I never thought it would end like this.
I got this video idea when I was doing my taxes about a year ago because now that I'm a
"YouTuber" *coughs* my taxes are a bit more complicated because I'm getting this additional income on top of my full-time job
Part of what comes with self-employment or freelancing or *coughs* "YouTuber"
Is that you have to keep track of anything that could be used for tax deductions like your internet bill.
That way if you ever get audited by the IRS - because they look through your records and they're like
"Wait a minute, this bitch doesn't even have a real job"
You can say, "No actually, I do get paid for this dumb bullshit"
Here's the thing though
Before I moved to California, I used to live in an apartment on the East Coast
and I had a very chill landlord
He was so chill that I could pay all of my rents and bills through Venmo
and the thing about Venmo is that, when you send money to someone
you can write anything that you want in the messages
and my messages were not the most wholesome.
I, you know, wanted to be a little bit creative whenever I paid my rent to my landlord.
I wanted him to have a little surprise at the beginning of every month.
So, I did not have the foresight to predict
that I will have to keep records of all the crap that I write.
I asked my landlord about this and he said:
"I've deducted worse things. Don't bother deleting them I already screen capped and filed them as part of my taxes."
So, here I am with all these records that I am keeping
together in a folder because I am being a responsible adult.
But I thought it might be fun to do is to read the messages that
I wrote to my landlord whenever I paid rent.
I will recommend a book that reminds me of each message or
has a theme that is similar to the contents that I wrote.
So in the future, the IRS audits me, I can also submit this video as proof that this is a legitimate thing.
Let's go through the messages. This one I sent to him on December 31st
This was right before the New Year's
I want to share one that would be relevant to the holidays, and I wrote:
Dickcember is nearly over but the new year has almost cum and you know what that means...
It's time for new cocks for 2019! All of the thots are making it their New Years' resolution
to find big dicks to explode some fireworks and some balls to drop in their ass.
Be prepared to get fucked at midnight on New Cocks Eve when Assuary 1 cums around.
Share this with 69 New Year hoes before 2019 or you won't be getting any party poppers
popped inside you this New Dicks Day.
So obviously with the timing of my rent, I wanted this to be New Year's themed.
It's a time for a celebration. It's a time for new beginnings.
The book that I would recommend for this would be The Great Gatsby by Scott Fitzgerald.
First of all, this message that I wrote is such a classic
It's a copypasta that you can share with your friends and family and loved ones during your holidays
So it would only be fitting if I chose a classic book for this as well
The Great Gatsby centers around a mysterious man named Jay Gatsby
who lives in a gigantic Gothic mansion
He has a really extravagant lifestyle and he throws all these wild parties
But you find out that the reason why he's doing all of this is just to get attention from Daisy
who is this woman that he fell in love with.
They met and fell in love like a long time ago before he went to the war. But now that the war is over
she's married to another dude now and he's just trying to throw these parties to have an excuse to hang out with her.
Daisy is pretty much a ho because even though she's married, she's still flirting with him
and eventually they rekindled their relationship and form an affair.
It's been a lot of time since I read this book, so I don't quite remember the details
but I don't think that she ever actually liked Gatsby.
I think she was just like a super vain and shallow hoe who just wanted the D.
So this falls in line with the themes of my message here on New Year's because it's about
partying and using it as an excuse to get it on, which is essentially the whole point of the Great Gatsby.
The moral is that the American Dream is ultimately unattainable.
I think we as Americans have had this notion that
as long as you're in this country you can achieve whatever you want
and pull yourself up by your bootstraps and be successful.
This character Gatsby has attained all of this great wealth and status as a social elite
but ultimately his real dream, which is to have this love with Daisy, is never gonna come true.
He's never gonna have an actual future with her no matter how many meaningless parties he throws.
And that's what I was really trying to get at with my message here where every time it's the New Year
we always have these resolutions to change ourselves and improve our lives, and then we
end up falling back into the same old habits. We have all these lofty goals that we'll never achieve
We can throw all these New Year parties that we want, but we're never gonna have 69 New Year hoes
or have big balls drop in our ass. I mean, that's just not physically possible.
But still every year we throw a party and we celebrate for something that we'll never attain which is to have all these big dicks
up our asshole, and I just feel like it's a similar kind of message that The Great Gatsby was also trying to convey.
So I'm editing this video right now, and I realized that it's probably gonna get demonetized.
But don't worry because this is still gonna count as a professional business transaction
because I found a really cool brand called MVMT based in Los Angeles and they have agreed to
sponsor this video. I know, I'm just, I'm such a professional.
Basically, they got their start by making watches that look great and can be worn by anyone
and most importantly, they don't cost a fortune because you know, I am a frugal hoe.
I think that some of the styles start at around $95, which is a lot cheaper compared to other brands out there.
I decided to get a couple of gifts for my friend because
you know, I already look so sophisticated every day, that it's about time I give back to other people.
You might have seen Melody in my previous videos before. She's very girly, she's very sweet
and when I saw this bloom rosé watch, I thought that it would be perfect for her.
It's this really cute pastel pink color for the wristbands, but it also has some rose gold on the watch.
This looks so cute. I mean, obviously I'm not wearing the right outfit for it because
I've been in my pajamas for, like, the past three months, but you know what I mean.
I also got her some jewelry that they make. This is the Prism Pendant Choker.
It's super minimalist, super subtle, but it's still very cute.
It's still in rose gold because she really likes these colors.
You can get 15% off including free shipping and free returns if you use the link in my description below.
It is https://mvmt.cc/readwithcindy
Now let's move on to the rest of my very professional video.
Waluigi is a man seen only in mirror images; lost in a hall of mirrors
he is a reflection of a reflection of a reflection. You start with Mario -- the wholesome all Italian plumbing
superman, you reflect him to create Luigi -- the same thing but slightly less.
You invert Mario to create Wario -- Mario turns septic and libertarian -- then you reflect the inversion
in the reflection: you create a being who can only exist in reference to others.
Waluigi is the true nowhere man, without the other characters he reflects, inverts and parodies
he has no reason to exist. Waluigi's identity only comes from what and who he isn't --
without a wider frame of reference he is nothing.
He is not his own man. In a world where our identities are shaped by our warped
relationships to brands and commerce we are all Waluigi.
So in case you don't know, Waluigi is a character in the Mario franchise.
He plays a role of Luigi's archrival and he occasionally accompanies
Wario in the spin-offs, and the whole purpose of his character is often to just cause mischief and trouble
for the main protagonist. The core of the message that I wrote here is that this character doesn't actually exist
other than reflecting other characters, and he doesn't truly have a sense of identity.
And a book that I think follows along these themes would be Fight Club by Chuck Palahniuk.
This is another classic about a main character who is an insomniac office worker who
becomes friends with this soap salesman.
They form this secret, underground fight club that, long story short, evolves into something much more.
The whole message of Fight Club is to tell us that we are not free because of the things that we own
and the things that we consume. It's an anti-capitalist message about how we try to complete our lives by
consuming all these material possessions and being obsessed with all these brands
but ultimately they are just meaningless.
None of these things matter and we just use them as a void to fill ourselves
and it's a distraction from how we are not truly complete mentally.
In the same way, I think Waluigi's existence is like an allegory for that.
When you strip him of all the things that connect him with all of the other characters
he's not really a person, and I think this is a similar message that the main character discovers
in Fight Club as well. The main character, and this other character, Tyler Durden, is similar to the dynamic of
Waluigi, in the sense where they are reflections of each other and are inversions of each other.
They're both very culturally resonant male characters that reflect our relationship to capitalism and the way that we let it consume us.
That was just the whole point of this message, and Fight Club I think is another literary form for that.
I'm gonna shift over to more modern books now as I go over these messages.
This is the one that I wrote in all caps. It says:
Fundamentally, Minecraft is the greatest game ever created, and no other game can reach its calibre.
When Minecraft was released, it raised the bar of the video game industry to a point where
no other game could physically ever be better than Minecraft, other than Minecraft itself.
Minecraft forever is and will be the greatest video game of all time.
You can do shit with blocks. You can get diamonds and all that shit.
If somebody asked me, "Why do you like Minecraft so much?"
you know what I would tell them? I would tell them Minecraft is my soul, it is my fuel, it gives me the
strength and energy to wake up every morning and keep going. Minecraft is simply God's gift to this world.
I've had issues with depression for years along with anxiety, suicidal thoughts,
but you know what has kept me going? Minecraft. Being able to sit down and have a good ol' time on Minecraft.
If you play Minecraft, you're already on a higher level intellectually than the majority of the population.
That's simply because Minecraft makes you superior to the rest of the human race.
It stimulates your brains cells the more you play, with every cobblestone you collect, the more power
you receive. For every cooked steak you consume and every diamond shovel you break, more power goes
to you. The more you play Minecraft the more of a saint you become, until you play enough Minecraft to reach
ultimate god status. Minecraft is the greatest game ever created.
For this message, I will recommend a young adult novel called Warcross by Marie Lu. This is a sci-fi novel about
an addicting game in this universe called Warcross. It's a game where millions of people log in every day.
This game has a huge global fan base, and a lot of people use it as like a way to
escape from reality, or even others try to make profit out of it. The main character is a teenage hacker.
She tracks down players who bet on a game illegally, and the story starts when she hacks into
the opening game for the International Championships for Warcross.
But she accidentally glitches herself into the action and then she becomes this overnight sensation.
The game's creator -- who is a billionaire -- gives her an offer to be a spy inside the tournament to uncover a security problem.
So she agrees to it, but her investigation uncovers a more sinister plot at hand with major
consequences for the entire Warcross Empire. Ultimately, this is a book
that is a cautionary tale about the dangers of technology.
In the story, Warcross is a virtual game that takes over the lives of its players.
Similar to Minecraft, Warcross is a game that can be accessed globally.
Billions of people log in to it every day to avoid the dreariness of real life or make a quick buck.
And I think the functionality is similar to Minecraft here.
The message that I wrote is in all caps to represent the cult-like obsession
that a person would have with Minecraft or with video games in general.
It's used as escapism to forget about real life to a point where you identify
so strongly to this game that it becomes a way of life for you.
So in a similar way, I think this message is supposed to represent a cautionary tale
that I think reflects a lot of what Warcross tries to do in its own story as well.
Next, we're gonna read a shorter one.
This is actually the first ever Venmo transaction that I paid to my landlord, which is why it's a little bit shorter
but I still think that it's like punchy.
I moved in the middle of March and I sent him a March-themed message, and it says:
Today is the Ides of March!!!
Julius Caesar might have gotten the knife, but I'm not going to stab you in the back because you're my homie!
Send this at 15 rulers of Rome that you won't stab in the back. Et tu BROte?? Hands-over-mouth monkey emoji.
The book that I will recommend for this message is If We Were Villains by M.L. Rio.
This is a dark academia novel about this guy named Oliver who has served 10 years in jail
for a murder that he may or may not have committed.
In this book, he tells a true story about what actually happened 10 years ago.
So you follow him a decade ago where he was a part of an elite arts college.
He was one of seven young actors who were studying Shakespeare.
They have like their own little clique of pretentious theatre nerds
but there is a lot of tension between them because one day the casting changes
from their usual archetypes and, long story short, one of them gets murdered
and it's like this whole mystery about who the murderer is.
A lot of what happens in this book parallels to what happens in the the own plays that they
are putting on. The friendship dynamics also explore fate and free will
obsession, ambition and secrets, star-crossed lovers, all of that kind of jazz.
One of the plays that do get referenced is Julius Caesar.
There is a betrayal. There is like an "Et tu BROte?" moment.
The book is ultimately about friendship and kind of the fragility of the friendship as well.
And so I think it would be relevant to the message that I wrote for Stanley here
as I started my Landlord and Tenant relationship with him
and I told him he was my BROte, and I wasn't gonna stab him in the back
because I would pay my rent on time.
So in a way, I think that life mirrors arts and I think it's up to us
to really decide whether we want to have a happy ending
or a tragic ending.
Yeah, that's the message. Next message.
I used to love ranch. It was so good.
I used to dip chicken nuggets, pizza, fries, anything that could be dipped I would dip in ranch.
I practically worshipped it. It was my god.
But one day, I found a whole bottle of ranch in the back of the refrigerator.
It was so beautiful. The ranch inside was a shining white and its little dark flecks seemed to call my name.
As soon as my hand closed around the bottle, I felt an indescribable wave of ecstasy.
I opened the lid of the ranch slowly; I wanted to enjoy every moment of this absolute bliss.
The ranch flowed into my mouth like a waterfall. It was incredible.
It was as soft as a baby's skin and tasted just as good. The best I ever had.
I kept going and going, and didn't even know I had finished the entire bottle. There wasn't even a drop left.
I paused, unsure of what to do. All of a sudden, I fell to my knees, agony wracking my stomach.
Tears filled my eyes. Ranch had betrayed me. It was not my friend. I had been tricked, fooled.
"NO!" I screamed as ranch started to pour out of every orifice in my body.
When I woke up, I was in the hospital for an apparent heart attack. My life had changed since then.
Now I cannot look at a bottle of ranch without screaming.
When I hear the word 'ranch', I fall into a deep depression.
I cannot visit any ranches. Ranch is my Satan, and yet my God at the same time.
People say that I am obsessed with ranch, but I tell them they are wrong.
I hate ranch with deep loathing and he hates me just as much.
I prayed to him every night that he will not take me in my sleep.
But sometimes he does and I writhe in pain as he eats a part of my soul and leaves me in a sticky puddle of ranch.
He has killed all my friends. I live in a house of ranch.
I cry for help, but ranch fills my mouth and throat. I'm drowning in ranch. I never thought it would end like this.
This is a message that shows how our obsession and our lust for things
can consume our entire being in a way that just creates chaos in our lives, and
destroys people around us and also ourselves.
I think a similar theme to this would be You by Caroline Kepnes.
Because first of all, if Joe Goldberg could be any type of condiment, he would be ranch for sure.
He's basically this dude who falls in love with a girl
that is a customer at the bookstore that he works at and his love for her turns into this obsession.
He begins stalking her around the city. He begins murdering people who are close to her.
He becomes very manipulative and scary and obsessive
and I think this is like a similar kind of thing going on with my relationship with ranch.
And the thing is about Joe Goldberg is that he still thinks that he is in the right side of things
and he has not done anything wrong and he's a victim of this whole situation.
So even when he's murdering other people and doing terrible things and harming other people's lives
he sees himself as the victim. He thinks to himself, "Oh my god, how could this have happened to me?"
So it's like a mixture of delusion with his obsession
and I think that's kind of like a similar sentiment to what's going on in this Venmo transaction.
This person that I'm emulating in the message
is someone who's obsessed with ranch to the point where ranch has ruined my life
But in a way, I was like my own downfall.
I didn't need to drink that entire bottle of ranch, but I did
and now I have to suffer the consequences of ranch pouring out of every orifice of my body
because I did this to myself.
And yet, I'm not taking any blame in this message and I'm just painting myself as a victim
when really, I have to face the consequences of my own actions.
The message escalates very quickly
just like how in the story, You, it escalates very quickly.
So if you liked the mental journey and the themes of obsession that I crafted in this message
I think you might also like You by Caroline Kepnes.
Okay. This video is already long, so let me read the final transaction.
Well, actually I can't actually read it because it's not composed of any specific word.
It's just like a bunch of different parentheses and different characters
to spell out this artwork of this big, muscular dude with little horns
but a big-ass dick.
I think it's kind of one of those things where, like, pictures speak a lot more than words do.
That was how I paid my November rent.
The book that I will recommend for this is the A Court of Thorns and Roses series by Sarah J. Maas.
More specifically, A Court of Mist and Fury, which is the second book of the series
because this image is basically how I picture Rhysand.
He's one of the characters in this book series.
He's basically the one with the biggest dick out of the entire cast of characters.
This is a fantasy series about a girl who gets caught up in the dangerous world of fairies
and Rhysand is kind of like one of the antagonists at the beginning of the story
but he actually becomes a love interest, and we forget about the previous love interest
and we want to go for him instead. So he's like the most popular character.
He's basically like the super feminist character and is so perfect.
He has like, rippling chest muscles and abs, and the biggest dick that you can think of.
And I also imagine him with like, little horns, because he's kind of like a bad boy too.
Every time I think about this book, this is how I picture this character.
If you are into this kind of creature
if you're attracted to what these parentheses and these other characters represent
then I also think that you would like Rhysand from the ACOTAR series.
And so, those are some of the messages that I had sent to my landlord
and are now part of our records for when we do taxes.
After I found out that I needed to document this for the IRS
I tried to write down normal messages, but already Stanley wasn't having it.
As you can see here, I tried to send like a normal message for the July rent
and he said, "Missing the ranch on these payments, the IRS will grow suspicious."
Which, to be fair, he's right.
Still, this was a legitimate way that I paid my rent
and I think that if the IRS has a problem with that, then they should just get woke.
I hope that you enjoyed watching this video, and getting a little bit of a taste of what goes on inside my head.
And if you're interested in writing your own messages through my Venmo
and sending me money, my Venmo user name is Cindy Pham.
Otherwise, I hope that you unsubscribe from this channel
and goodbye.