In case you're wondering what
a government shutdown means, it's basically what happens
when Congress can't agree to fund the government,
so the government runs out of money,
which forces the closing of all its nonessential operations.
So government workers were sent home.
Military personnel kept working without pay,
and the FCC, for instance,
stopped censoring anything on TV,
which is why the last episode of This Is Us
has that giant orgy scene. Yeah.
Jack had sex with himself
from the past and, (sniffs) it was beautiful.
It was beautiful.
So Democrats and Republicans couldn't agree on, uh,
what they call a "continuing resolution"
to keep the government funded.
Democrats wanted it to include a provision
to let Dreamers stay in the United States.
Republicans were, like, no. Let's pass a clean bill
that funds a catapult to send them out, right?
Now, in their defense, that really sounds like
a fun way to get deported. I'm not gonna lie.
Ba-bye!
So after a night of failed negotiations,
lawmakers left the capitol unsatisfied
like it was a salad night at Paula Deen's house.
And no one was more upset than the toddler in chief,
because the shutdown ended up ruining
his one-year birthday party.
TV REPORTER: President Trump holed up in the White House
at this hour, when he thought he'd be at a big party
for himself at Mar-a-Lago down in Palm Beach,
celebrating his first year of his term.
The anniversary party at the Mar-a-Lago resort in Florida
will go on as planned tonight.
Eric Trump and Donald Trump, Jr. will go in their father's place.
Poor Trump, man.
Because not only did they cancel his party,
he had to work on the weekend,
or at least pretend to work.
TV REPORTER: The White House sending out this picture.
Take a look at it. They say it shows
the president working the phones
in a "Make America Great Again" hat.
(laughing): Okay. All right. Hold up, Don Lemon.
He wasn't working the phones.
Look at him. He just looks like a part-time model
who's learning on the job. Look.
He can't even pretend work.
He's looking right at the camera.
You're not supposed to look at the camera.
The photographer was probably like, "Just look over there."
And Trump was like, (mimics Trump): "Okay, okay.
Okay, I'm ready. Cheese."
(normal voice): Yeah, 'cause, like, other presidents
could pretend work for the picture, you see?
Like, like Obama. He had his shots, look at him. He's like,
(mimics Obama): "I'm working. I'm on the phone.
I'm on the phone." And Bill Clinton,
he had his one, as well. He's like,
(mimics Clinton): "There, I'm on the phone, I'm on the phone."
And then George Bush, like,
(mimics Bush): Oh, is this a phone? (laughs)
(normal voice): Everyone's got it right.
What's with that pose?
What is that, hmm? What is that thing he's doing?
He looks like he doesn't even know how to sit
at a president's desk, like he's half out of it.
You know what it looks like? It looks like he was on a tour
of the White House and then he snuck in.
And he told this-- He's like,
"Quick, quick. Take a picture. I'm the president.
I'm the president."
It looks like the real president's gonna walk in
and be like, "Hey, what are you doing there, kid?"
(screams)
And, also, why is Trump, like, the only president
who doesn't have his family pictures by his desk?
Have you ever noticed that? Behind him.
He's the only president where I've ever seen that.
Like, I wonder if his family ever walks in and they're like,
"Hey, where's our photos?"
And he's like, (mimics Trump): "Oh, I'm sorry.
"Where is your electoral college victory, huh?
"Which, by the way, was the biggest ever.
Did I ever tell you about the time I won?"
(laughter)
(normal voice): But Donald Trump wasn't the only one
that the shutdown affected.
There were real Americans
who were faced with real consequences.
There may be a government shutdown,
but reports say that hasn't stopped members of Congress
from using their exclusive gym.
According to The Washington Post,
some members of the House reportedly complained
there weren't enough towels
stacked in the gym this morning
and even wondered aloud
if it was because of the shutdown.
Yeah. It's not funny. No.
You laugh, but it's not funny to people in Congress.
Without towels, everyone at the gym
had to see Bernie Sanders naked.
(laughter, groaning)
And let's just say the carpet matches the drapes.
(laughter, groaning)
So, whether it's because of Bernie's naked ass
or the threats of voter backlash,
Democrats and Republicans reached a deal this afternoon
to end the shutdown.
And the deal was Republicans would promise
to hold a vote on immigration,
and in exchange, Democrats would agree
to keep the government open for three more weeks.
Yeah, three more weeks.
Which, to me, sounds pathetic,
but I guess that's why I'll never make it in Congress.
Today is the day to celebrate
because we have shown
that a determined group of senators
working together across the aisle
can result in positive action.
In this case, the reopening of government.
I want to say to the leadership of the Senate,
Democrats and Republicans, thank you.
Thank you very much
for demonstrating this bipartisan leadership
that the country is crying out for.
American lawmakers are priceless.
They want credit for fixing the thing that they broke?
And not, like, really fixing it. Like, barely fixing it,
because the government is only gonna be funded for three weeks,
which is not normal. I don't care what anybody says.
You... Just having a government funded week to week?
America's the richest country in the world,
and the government is out here
basically paying rent week to week?
Like, America gets caught on the stairway by the landlord
and is like, "Oh. Oh, hey, Milosh. Oh, hey.
"Yeah, I was gonna get you, man.
"I just, uh, you know. Hold on. Hold on. Here.
"There we go. This will cover it for the next three weeks,
and don't cash that till Friday. Yeah."
You realize this is not normal.
You don't hear of governments
in the rest of the world just shutting down
because they refused to fund themselves.
Where I come from, if the government shuts down,
it's because the rebels have taken over.
Then the president is like,
"Okay, the government is shut down!"
But not because people can't fund it.
So, we're probably gonna be talking
about a shutdown again in three weeks' time from now,
but I guess for now Republicans and Democrats
can be happy that they averted disaster.
Just too bad that Trump won't hear the good news,
because he's still in his office
pretending to talk on the phone.
"Hello, dial tone?"