I think there's something attacking me.
It's like a [ __ ] imp [ __ ] Chin,
you punch this thing. No, I can't move.
Bring it. I can't. Stop. Don't [ __ ]
cut it to me. What the [ __ ] is You're a
[ __ ] [ __ ] [ __ ] off. Oh, he's
killing me. Punch [ __ ] I headbutted you
in the dick. Oh, I got it. It headbutted
Duncan's dick and died. That is you. I
don't know what your carrier, Duncan,
but stay the [ __ ] away from
me. Hello. Welcome to the cast. Today we
are playing some Conan Exiles. Uh it's
on early access. It's a lot like Rust.
I'm joined by Duncan. Hello. And Shin.
Hi. And Simon. Hello. Uh we spawned in
different places, which I guess is very
rustlike. And I think apparently if you
walk down a road towards a ruined
aqueduct, you should come across a lake.
Oh. And there upon there will be fresh
water for you to drink and fish swimming
in in the lake. Um. Oh, nice. Okay. So,
see if you could do that. Where? Oh,
god. I'm just learning some skills.
Apprentice craftsman. What's going on,
Simon? There's the horrible imp man that
I'm punching in the face. Just punch
anything that you don't like in the
face. You are, I guess, a barbarian of
some description. Yes, we are badasses.
I'm a tailor. Are we all? I don't know
how I got here. What do you mean you're
a tailor? I'm a Taylor. I don't belong
here.
Come here. Don't Don't move. Don't move.
Deunan, what? Okay.
God, that's that's sexual harassment.
So, Shin, you need to up my Has a turn
the nudity on. Oh, have you Did we Were
we not supposed to do that? No, I've got
the nudity off. Actually, you don't know
what you're missing. It's much cleaner.
How How packed am I? Pretty packed. Did
you pick? Of course, Duncan, I guess,
moved the I didn't touch anything. I
couldn't see it. Sorry. You left the the
penis slider at at normal, did you,
Duncan? Or did you move it up to max?
Well, I didn't turn on. I could see
compensating maybe. That's it. That's Oh
[ __ ] Are you all right, Duncan? You're
getting [ __ ] Did you just get I'm
getting double double ganged by some
turtles. I'm running. I'm running to the
Let's go to the water cuz Simon's up
ahead. I think I can see a bunch of
turtles. Mhm. There's There's palm trees
around. I can't see a lake. Oh god. I
I've I've seen three people and this is
not you, right? Who? Who is it? There's
There's three people. There's a woman
and two men. They're hitting me with a
club. I think they might be NPCs. I've
died horribly. They are now fighting off
an imp. They've killed it. They were
really tough.
I have died. Oh dear.
I see them. They're in a camp. They had
a campfire yet. Yeah, that's the same
guys that killed me. Don't Don't Shin.
Oh Shin, you don't you dare cutting to
me. [ __ ] you. It's payback, [ __ ]
What's happening? Why can't you move? I
died of thirst. You died first. Did you
not find the water skin at the start?
No. What? There's a water skin at the
start. I took
that dick. I just picked up Oh, one of
the small point spawns right next to the
water. I'm already back at the water.
What the heck? Oh my god. These guys,
they these guys don't quit. Get your
stuff back. Do you think I'm looting?
You can loot things off the ground. It
doesn't look like you can, but you can.
So, you can loot branches, you can loot
stones, and then if you bring up your
inventory, you can then create stuff.
I don't have a willie.
What? What? I've just got balls. I slid
it the other way. Oh, you went all the
way to the smallest end cuz you know,
smaller target. Are you showing off your
smaller target? Will not do that. I'll
hide my willy. No, go ahead, Shin. We've
all seen this is my Willie. I'll make
sure there's a warning at the start of
this. What do you call it? Lord
Stubbington.
Dubbington. Okay, I've got a stone
hatchet. Yes. Welcome to uh online
multiplayer survival games. Here we go.
Hatchet unlocked. I guess you can now um
probably cut down trees, I assume. Oh my
god, this is brilliant. Oh wow, I can
cut down trees. Yeah, this is
revolutionary, isn't it? It's amazing.
Okay. Okay. So, there is actually a map
if you hit M. Oh, okay. Oh, right. Can
we join a party? Okay. Right. Sure.
That' be great. Uh, okay. Imagine it's a
smiley face and the the the the big
river at the bottom is a mouth. Okay.
Right. I'm at the far left of the mouth.
I'm at the far right of the mouth. Oh
dear. Uh, Duncan, I am Can you swim in
this? Where's the mouth? At the bottom.
I'm in the middle of the mouth.
Okay, we need to go to the middle.
Is that you with the torch? Oh my god,
Larry.
Hold me. Oh, I love your hair, man. What
have you done with your hair? What do
you What do you mean? Shave it. How did
you shave the sides of your your head
with a a clamshell? I've just I've just
gotten a bit old. Oh, honey. That's what
happened. A clown shell. Don't call me
honey. It's a clown shell. I like your
dick, by the way. Thanks, man. Have you
got the nudity on? Oh, for God's sakes.
Yeah. How many branches have you got?
Cuz I have you called yourself Ronan. I
have. Yeah. Brilliant. Like, what's
wrong with that? No, it's it's really
good.
Oh, Christ.
Come with me, Simon. So, I'm just
holding my fist in the air as though I
don't know. Can you see me? Where are
you? I've gone down a little bit to the
uh to the There you go. Over here. Can
you see how I'm just holding my fist up
in the air? Yeah. It's like you're
waving hello like you just don't care.
What are you doing? Where are we going
to go then? You see that guy with the
hockey stick? We're headed towards the
hockey stick. We're going to build a
base under hit him cuz he's a good land.
Uh what's happened? NPCs. All right,
they found me. All right, we're not
going to do any harvesting till we get
there, though, Simon. Okay, so there's
two hockey stick people. We're going to
build a base between them cuz I'm sure
that's where civilization is going to
as if there's civilization out in this
wilderness. It's hell. Obviously, we
don't want to go all in exile here. D is
taking it well. I know. Oh [ __ ] Okay,
run run run. Oh no, there's people as
well. Pet crocodile. I hope so. Sure.
Okay. What do you mean you hope so? I
hope so. Well, it's better than being a
wild one cuz they're uh they're less
angry. Oh, you're quite sort of dark as
well, Lewis. I didn't quite realize I'm
dark skinned. Quite dark skinned. I'm
from the north tanned, right? Uh do you
know what? Who's this guy? He's
attacking us. Are we just going to run
from him? Yes. Oh, I might be able to
hit him. I am a bit low on the old uh
I do like this game though. I've got a
maze.
Oh, crocodile.
Oh. Oh [ __ ] Oh [ __ ] Rabbit. Keep
running. Get a rabbit. You want me? Oh
yeah, I found a rabbit, too. You look
really funny. Where's the crocodile
gone? I don't know. I'm hiding.
Was that you dying? Yeah. Don't worry.
I'm I'm fighting back with my mole. Ah,
I can mine this. Oh, wow. The way the
stone breaks is really cool. Where's the
health bar? I think top left is your
health. Maybe [ __ ] Is there a crouch?
Yes. Oh, yeah. Oh, I killed her. You did
it. Good work. Loot all. What does that
do? Loots all. Ah, 22 wood she had. Man,
look at these lovely rabbits. Oh, Jesus
Christ. Simon, how you doing? Did I get
the rabbits? Maybe if you duck and hit
it with the axe.
Oh [ __ ] There's some [ __ ] NPCs here.
No, that's me and Simon. What? Are you
all Is that you, Shin? This what? Me? I
saw a guy running along the beach.
Was that you? I'm uh No. Come with me,
Simon. Quick. I'm on an island. Where
about Are you on the smile? Oh [ __ ]
They're here. [ __ ] Shin, that's us. You
dagger. I told you. Okay, come here.
We're going to build our base here.
Thanks, man. Do you like it?
Okay, this is where we're going to make
our stand. Where on the smile are you?
Uh, so look for the hockey stick
statues. See that giant thing? And that
doesn't help me in any way. Well, it
doesn't until it does.
It is halfway in the in the smile. I
need to get some water. There's two
guys holding hockey sticks. The map
isn't as big. And it's not Louis and
Simon. It's not.
It's Oh, guess it is. [ __ ] It's [ __ ]
us. Yeah, but you're not holding the
hockey sticks. Oh, no. No, no, no. Do
you see those giant turtles? You got a
rock lollipop. Oh my god, you look
[ __ ] amazing. Thanks, man. Why is
your dick so small? What you mean? Wow,
what a thing to say. I like No, I like
it. You know, I've got Guys, the giant
turtle is kind of like plotting towards
us. Tiny dicks have got to look out for
each other, you know.
Bobby dicks. We're going to have to kill
that thing probably. We're going to have
to kill and eat him. Hang on. See if you
can make a bow. Can you eat imp meat?
I've got some of it. Sure. Uh, can I
make a shield yet? No, I need twine. I
can make a shield. How do you make
twine? Oh, you use plant fibers to make
twine. Learn recipes. Right. This is
There's a lot of recipes here, guys.
There's a lot of recipes, Shin. Yeah.
I'm going to need you to go ahead and
mine some of these rocks for me. Okay. I
will make myself a pick. Okay. Can you
hold a shield and a sword?
Can you hold a Maybe? Yeah, probably. It
feels like you can cuz feels like
there's like the ability to use the off.
You can right click to break. Oh, that's
cool. Oh, I'm starving. [ __ ] What
happens when you starve to death? You
die. Okay. Have I got You have to
respawn and lose all your stuff. Okay,
I'm going to eat grubs. Yeah, right.
What else do I have? Uh, a fat grub. Can
I eat that? Sure. I'm eating that.
Putrid meat. I probably shouldn't eat
that. It's inedible. Okay. No. Hides
aloe leaves bone. Simon, yo, I've got a
shield now. I'm going to make a
campfire. Okay, I've made a campfire.
I'm going to put it down. See if you
could kill some bunnies. [ __ ] hell,
the crocodile. Come on. Or that thing.
Uh, put the campfire down here. Which
way on the smile are you? Left or right?
Uh, we are in the middle. In the very
middle on the island in the ocean. Oh,
in the island. Oh, he broke my shield.
Oh, [ __ ] [ __ ] What is this thing
you're fighting? It's terrifying on the
island in the middle,
right? I need to get away from him. Oh,
does someone want to help you fight
this? The seal has helped me a lot,
actually. I'm I'm just I I I can't
killed it. Killed it. Really? The
crocodile.
It's had a shell. I had killed it with a
stone mall. What the heck? I I owned a
crocodile for ages with a sword and
nothing. It's not a crocodile. It's like
I don't know what it is. Shell back.
Okay, that's fine. Has everyone has any
hatchet? My breasts are so big a bum.
Someone come and cut this thing up and
we can eat it. Bum. I'm killing I' I've
killed these rabbits. But I've done the
hockey sticks. Dad shoes. Yeah. You see,
I told you it doesn't help you until it
does. Yeah.
What? Hit them with a sho axe. Simon.
Oh, the hockey sticks. No, the the
bellies. I do have a hatchet. Hit them
with a hatchet. Chop them up. Maybe
that'll work. I don't know whether that
works. Oh, it actually does. Yeah. Okay.
Bring bring the bunnies back quick. And
we're going to cook them. Oh, we need
water. Uh, there's a campfire here.
Okay, campfire. Put the meat in it, I
guess. Maybe like this. Interact. Can't
touch this.
How do I share it with you? Can you not
use it?
Do we have to join the team?
Maybe.
Invite to clan. Okay. Did you get that
clan invite? So, hit escape and you
should see a clan. big crew. That's it.
Yeah. Yeah. All right, Shin. So, keep
getting some stone for me and maybe you
can actually Now you're in the clan. You
can actually add to the house. I just
got to make the tools first.
Ow. Oh, did I hit you? Yeah. [ __ ] Did
Food will burn if you just leave it in
the fire. Okay, you better watch out for
that. Okay. Holy [ __ ] This is
happening, guys. I'm doing stuff. Yeah.
Good. Ah, get him, dude. Oh my god.
Walls. Oh my god. I know. We're going to
have a home. Stuff's happening. I'm
making it. I can see someone. Help.
Who's that? Is that Duncan? There's a
thing. Oh, [ __ ] Duncan, don't know. We
can take those on together. What are you
doing, buddy?
They they drop nice meat as well. We can
we can eat these. Oh, I got it. Good
job, guys. Right, chop it up and get the
meat. More options. Lol. There we go.
Oh, killed it all. Right, we need a bed
so we can respawn here. Yeah, I know.
How do you make that?
Um, we can make bed
rolls. Um, we can make water skins. I
can make See if you can make a bed roll.
I'm going to keep mining stone and
adding So, okay. Oh, there's no uh fuel.
Oh, so just throw some wood in there
with it in the campfire. Okay. Um, I
guess you can get that by cutting down a
tree. It's not working.
Oh, on. You can turn it on and off.
Yeah,
it's got a switch. Brilliant. It's B.
It's It's fancy. Fancy. It's real fancy,
man. This is all going swimmingly so
far. We're actually doing it. I'm so
pleased. We're doing it. This is going
to be a wonderful home for all of us.
Make a house a home.