Separation anxiety
What really is that?
some people think that
There are phases and there are times and certain ages where it just kind of appears
And other people will spot triggers and find that there's a reason. Why maybe it cropped up
Either those could be true. What usually see you might see an increased amount of culling enos from your tile perhaps
They just you know you seem really anxious whenever they're away from you
They could just be like that in personality though or perhaps. It's some it is a you know it is a triggered thing like
Perhaps they've just started a nursery and they used to being with you
24/7 and suddenly they're being taken away from you for patches of time and it's making them just go oh hold on
Where are you, and then when you are they're stuck like glue won't let you go, then. That's quite natural as well
Those are signs of a healthy attachment, so don't worry your child is not with you, and then when they're back with you
They're just thrilled to be with you and want to stick to you. That's okay. It's a sign of a healthy attachment
They're happy to be back with you
and
So does he come in phases? He can't do it. We can develop mentally children can reach stages where they're seeing more
They're going into more social environments, and they're you know
Exploring, but wanting to check on still where's mommy where's daddy. You know they just want to know that you're still close by and
How can you help a child who's perhaps displaying this well first of all
It doesn't massively matter. Whether it's being triggered. It's a phase or even if they're just not very well
That's another good one
It could be that your tide is just a bit under the weather and when they're not feeling well they can be
extra clingy even as you know school-aged children you can see that sort of
Kalinina sand neediness when they're not firing on all cylinders
But what can you do to help especially with babies and toddlers and little ones who perhaps you can't converse with quite so easily
You can show an added and more focused engagement with them in the day time
So I'm really thinking about how here you're gonna sort of see this show up at nighttime
So we want to fix the night in the sleeps aspect so in the daytime
Have a look at how you can be
really engaged with them, so
Perhaps where normally your child might play on the play maps whilst you're I don't know folding laundry or whatever and suddenly they just won't
They won't do anything. They won't venture anywhere without you and you feel it's quite draining
But things you can do are even if they're not being needy even when they're not
Desperately clinging to you go over to them and go what are you doing?
Oh should we have a look at this, and I don't know just get it involved in something
Find an activity
Thing to look at obviously age-appropriate just something that will captivate them
But that really engages them with you your voice is so key in this hearing your voice and your tone
to really give them that feeling of
you know of being I guess loved and heard and you're
interested in them all of those things if you
volunteer that level of attention
When it's not even being asked for
That's gonna really help with any signs of separation anxiety
And that's I think a really key point mare is do it when they're not even looking for it do it when they're not even
asking for it
So maybe you're just seeing signs of separation anxiety at bedtime
Or maybe you're just seeing signs of it. I don't know random points in the week or in the day or whenever
So don't wait for that to happen for that to come up, just go okay look
I know it's there at the moment so
In the daytime or when it's not expected
Or it's not being asked for just show that real attentive engagement with your child
So that's one thing that you can do for sure
So how do you handle the night time the night sleep and the settling?
Perhaps your child has settled perfectly well
Has been really good at sleeping, but due to what appears to be?
separation anxiety
your suddenly
seeing a shift in in night sleep and a difficulty, and they don't want to let you go and
So what can you do well first of all don't throw out the rule book?
Because there's every chance that if you have come from a situation where everything was fine, and this is a new thing
then the chances, are you had some routines some structure some flow to how your
you know your your your bedtime routine and your and your
Responses to them in night times anything else you probably had some structure to how that worked you
Probably had some kind of rules with what was okay, and not okay with you
What you wouldn't wouldn't be?
Happy to do and you probably did have some structure
Whatever that looked like to whatever degree that was what I'm saying now is just don't throw the rulebook out just because you're seeing
separation anxiety I hate the word anxiety because it's
It's quite a strong word and it probably isn't that strong a feeling in the child at that time but
Let's just say it is um
So don't throw out the rulebook. Don't just suddenly go. Oh, well. They're there. They've got some separation anxiety at the moment, so I'll just
Forget all the usual balls
And we'll just bring them into our bed or I'll just cuddle them until they fall asleep or or whatever
You know just don't drop all your rules because you're just get stuck there
And you'll make it so much worse and so much harder to come back from
the second thing is to
stay take a step in word so for instance if you normally would put your tired down and
Take a night and leave the room and they might wriggle and COO and then off. They go to sleep and
That's how it normally would work, but now they're being all clingy and don't want to let you go
rather then go oh
My gosh. I can't even put them down
I have to hold them and have to rock them to sleep or you know like
Like kind of throwing the rulebook out rather than going all the way
In to literally doing it all like so leaving the room is you don't need to do anything for them
They can put themself to sleep
Going in and doing it like picking them up, and and I'll have to fix them because they just won't let me go
That's then doing it entirely for them what I'm saying is don't do that
But take a step in wood so perhaps. They're not comfortable all of a sudden. They're not comfortable with you leaving the room
Okay, well if you were just in the room then what if you did just stay in the room?
What if you said it's okay? I'm like here, you could see me now should I like?
What if what if you did that would that be enough?
Maybe not maybe they need you to be a little bit closer
Maybe they need a bit more wine downtime. They need you to just calm them and settle them maybe a slightly longer
Bedtime routine slightly longer story time or nursery rhyme
Time just to give them that little bit more time to be with you have you nearby
Perhaps you put them down, and then you sit beside them and do a story or a nursery
Rhyme, so this you're still there, but you're just making that slight move slight separation
But it's not too dramatic
You need to figure out where that level is
but what I'm saying is there's probably a level that you can go to by taking a step in word rather than just I
Can't leave very many more therefore. I must have to just go sleep or rock my tart asleep
You don't need to go to that extreme
And be clear be really clear on what that is so if that is okay?
I'm going to sit in the room, and I'm going to read a story for a bit longer
Then that's what you do and and if that in if you feel like yeah, this is fine
They're okay with this there might not be the road overjoyed, but it's it's better. It's working
They're not quite so friendly because if I leave the room
So we'll go with this they don't have to be 100% on board, but if it's better than when you leave the room
Go with that, but be clear on what you're going to do and stick to it. Don't
Don't be drawn in further don't be especially. I'm thinking of slightly older ones a preschooler age and on
where they might go and it's good
Let's see what else I can get you to do. You know so don't get do drawn in but be clear be
Decide what's going to work?
What's comfortable for you and your child and then be clear that that's what's going to happen and stick to it for
some time and be consistent in that delivery so if they in the nighttime and
You know you've sat in the room at bedtime
Then you're gonna need to go in and forth at night waking and sit in the room again
You can't say I'll sit here whilst you fall asleep at bedtime, and then night waking was you just go no
I'm not sitting there. It's nighttime now. I'm going to bed
So be consistent in that response in the nighttime each response meet it with the same thing every time
Because that will build back that security
I always know mommy or daddy are close by I always know somebody's going to come I
always know that you're going to be there when they know that and they feel that that will build back that confidence that security and
Then you'll be able to move on to the next thing which will be to them gently wean that back away
So as you've built up that confidence. You've got that reassurance there. They feel safe
They feel secure and then don't plateau and stay there go, okay. We're good now. I'm gonna move to
Being a bit further away all now
I'm gonna just sit outside the door
Let them know the doors ajar and just little Shh if they if they kind of call out or check
Or perhaps with an older one it can be okay. I'm gonna let them know that I'm just gonna go and
Fold the laundry and then I'll come back and check on them in ten minutes
So some lovely reassuring feeling a child will be more likely to just go
Okay, coming back in 10 minutes, so they'll relax and when they relax
They go to sleep alone behold when you pop your head in in ten minutes. They probably are asleep
but
Don't plateau on that inward step because they run what it is do that for a short while
See how it's going and then
We knit back away is the best way I can describe that to get back to where you once were
So there you go some tips on managing
separation anxiety
and
Helping a child who maybe is a little bit anxious or doesn't want you to be away from them
Or you know especially if this is randomly cropped up out of nowhere
How can help alleviate those symptoms and get them back to sleeping soundly all night long