what is up everybody this is Chris from the rewired soul where we talk about the
problem but focus on the solution and if you're new to my channel my channels all
about mental health and something that could take a major toll on your mental
health is relationships so if you're into that stuff make sure you subscribe
and ring that notification bell and yeah I'm gonna do at least a few videos on
this show love is blind a lot of you out there really enjoy the videos I make
about relationships because I have plenty of experience being in terrible
insane toxic / abusive relationships before I found my beautiful girlfriend
Tristin but yeah so many of you when this show started um I had so many
messages so many messages like you get talked about love is blind are you gonna
talk about love is blind Chris you need to make videos on love is
blind alright and I finally decided to torture myself and watch this ode
Tristan and I legit watched seven straight episodes yesterday and there's
so much to talk about but for those of you don't know me I try to see what we
can learn from stuff like this alright but anyways I was like should I talk
about Jessica and Mark and that hot mess of a relationship or should I talk about
Gianina and Damian and as you can see as you click on this I decided to go
with Damien and Gianina for this very first video before we get started I get
it I got a vent a little bit I I need you guys to let me know if I'm crazy or
if we're on the same page so this show love is blind was promoted as like
almost like the voice but for dating right and I love the voice okay so you
put these people in a pods and they don't get to see each other this way
they can't be physically attracted to each other in any way who are just
making this pure emotional and spiritual connection but as you watch the show for
like five minutes you saw to realize that literally every man and woman on
there is like at least an eight or a nine right so like this whole like ooh
you can't see them like it doesn't matter like I'm the voice you legit
don't know who it is like they they've had blind people on there they've had
overweight people they're right they've had people on
there who are not traditionally attractive and they are judged purely on
their voice whereas in love is blind like a lot of
these people would have been attracted to each other anyways alright so let me
know if I'm crazy let me know your thoughts on that like I would have loved
to see a mix with some like fours and fives in there maybe some threes you
know and all of that right like just so there'll be more of this like oh are
they really going to be physically attracted to each other alright anyways
anyways let's dive into this so yeah we're gonna be talking about Giannina
and Damian and I wanted to talk about three major things obviously this show
is in a setting well that is not realistic but it can be realistic if
you're somebody who's like I need to find a mate alright because I might do a
whole video on the psychology of when you get locked into that idea how you
make really bad decisions but anyways there's still a lot of things that we
can learn about red flags and what they mean and what we should look for and all
that and I wish somebody would have talked to me about this when I was in my
younger days alright so first thing I want to talk about is self-sabotage so
we and Damian finally proposed to Giannina right she's like I have
something to tell you I'm like oh girl was she gonna tell him and she ended up
telling him that she has a tendency to self-sabotage oh it's okay baby
it's okay right and they get engaged you know they go off to their little Kay
good vacation everything like that check this out okay when when somebody tells
you they self-sabotage okay you have to ask yourself what does that mean okay
what does that mean because the word self-sabotage almost sounds like the
person is only doing it to themselves and that could happen and you know maybe
they self-sabotage you know work or school or whatever but self sabotaging
relationships is a completely different ballgame and check this out not only if
I dated women who self-sabotage relationships this guy this guy right
here used to self-sabotage relationships so first let's understand the mindset
somebody who has self sabotaging relationships they typically and at
least from my experience they typically don't feel good enough they don't feel
worthy enough of a relationship so they try to push that person away as hard as
they can alright and this can come in a variety
of different forms starting fights write really dumb stupid fights okay doing
things like that and a lot of it has to do with you know there's also this fear
of abandonment so what a person will try to do is put you through hell put you
through the wringer to be like will this person put up with all of me right and
from the outside looking in you're just like oh maybe they'll just test you a
couple times but this is an ongoing issue and something that's gonna be a
focal point of this video is therapy okay
this type of behavior usually doesn't get fixed
unless there's therapy or for me it really became to the forefront of my
mind and me realizing what I was doing in 12-step programs when I first got
sober but now I'm in therapy like it takes a lot of inner work and
introspection to work on this self sabotaging but like I said you may hear
self sabotaging and think that's only this one person but you see from
Damian's perspective like when it comes to a relationship
this is them yelling at you fighting with you poking you starting these
little relations these little not relations just sign these little fights
and everything and it can drive the other person absolutely nuts for me
personally I stayed single for over a year and a half to work on these things
because I knew how selfish it was to get somebody in a relationship with me when
I knew I was going to do those behaviors so if you are somebody who self
sabotages check yourself go to therapy work on this thing before you keep
jumping into relationships to see who could put up with you at your worst
right and if you are somebody who is about to get a relationship with that
other person says that they self-sabotage you need to sit down and
ask yourself what does that mean what does that look like alright because it
typically typically means they are going to possibly verbally
and emotionally abuse you okay so the next thing that we need to talk about is
black and white thinking okay so there was this scene that I was like oh damn
when uh Giannina and Damien it was right after they did the little birthday party
for Barnett and the next morning because Gianna and Davey I got in this huge
fight the next morning there was still that kind of tension right and I could
do a whole thing about resolving conflicts and relationships too as I
Spit ball here let me know down in the comments if you want me to make videos
on this stuff but anyways out of nowhere out of nowhere Giannina brings up that
he always says this is the best sex he's ever had but she's like you ever notice
how I don't say that like oh okay typically this is something that you see
with people who suffer from black-and-white thinking and by the way
don't get me wrong like there are plenty of faults on Damien's end right but I
think I can relate more to G and ENS so I wanted to focus on that for this video
anyways for those of you who don't know what black and white thinking is it's
where you categorize people as either all good or all bad right and in
relationships the way that looks like what that looks like is I love you you
are the best thing to ever happen to me oh my god I can't imagine a life without
it without you but then it goes to the other side where it's like I hate you
you are the absolute worst person on the planet you are evil you are the devil I
can't I can't handle you right there's no in-between
there's no in-between and typically this is a result of poor emotional regulation
right where you're putting somebody is all good or all bad it's this extreme
version of attraction and aversion so what you're seeing right there is she's
not just you know kind of saying like oh and that was a real jerk thing you said
to me no she wanted to hit him right her where would be the most painful
thing and this isn't just some relationships like intimate
relationships you see this stuff all the time probably in your everyday life it
might be with a friend it might be with a family member might be with somebody
online where they try to attack something that's gonna hurt your pride
the most so what Giannina was doing she was
attacking kind of his his manlihood how he's able to please a woman you know she
went straight for the jugular with that stuff okay so if you do struggle with
black and white thinking somebody that help me get out of it was aside from
therapy mindfulness meditation because what that does is it strengthens your
prefrontal cortex which is responsible for emotional regulation right I used to
be all over the place and in the next thing we're gonna talk about in the
scene I'm gonna talk about Giannina actually mentions a couple times in this
scene about how she has these emotional roller coasters all right so although
you hear that emotional roller coaster what that means is a problem with
emotional regulation all right so the way I used to teach people in the rehab
is if you look at this thing on a scale right zero in the middle plus 10 minus
10 okay well some people get happy people are poor emotional regulation kid
ecstatic right where some people start to like somebody people with bad
emotional regulation they fall in love but on the other side it's Noble people
get a little upset people with poor emotional regulation they get pissed
right and that's kind of the difference so we need to work on ourselves to get
us back towards that middle okay how how quickly we bounce back to that average
state of emotions okay so the last thing I want to talk about by the way we just
finished episode eight so I'm not even done with the season might have some
more stuff to talk about but I have a pretty good idea of what's gonna happen
but anyways um at the scene where they talk over dinner and Damien is airing
all of his grievances with Giannina well there's a point where Damien says I need
you to try I need you to try to not pick so many fights to calm down I need you
to try and then she makes that commitment she makes that commitment
right so aside from my clients had you know the rehab who would talk to me
about the relationships I've also had a lot of friends throughout my life who
talked to me about this and you know they're in these relationships where
they're constantly fighting all these other things and they'll either express
that they want the other person to try or they'll tell me that the other person
said they were gonna try and kind of like what we talked about with
self-sabotage this is what I want you to think about this
what does trying look like okay just sit on that for one second what just tryin
look like alright for me and what I would talk to other people about or the
advice I give people when they ask me what trying looks like to me is going to
therapy that's what trying looks like to me what
trying looks like to me is a person having a regular meditation practice
what trying looks like to me is a person starting to journal and do some
self-reflection but typically when someone says they're trying is they
basically had that conversation and then they go back to their normal behaviors
so even though I haven't watched the the rest of this season I guarantee I would
put money on the fact that Giannina trying literally means nothing and
that's what we got to look at in relationships especially if you're in
that early kind of part of the relationship where there's not a huge
investment in the relationship like you've only been together a month two
months whatever it is if you're costly fighting and that other person says that
they are going to try ask yourself what that looks like
hell better yet ask the other person what that means okay
have them make a commitment on what trying actually means because if trying
just means I'm gonna try not to get so angry like what
what are the steps you are taking like I can try to be a pilot but unless I take
lessons on how to be a pilot me trying is just a pie in the sky dream you see
so if you're if your partner says they're going to try see what that means
and the last thing I'll talk about which really just popped into my head is you
see this a lot in abusive relationships where there is you know worst case
domestic violence but typically a lot you know emotional verbal abuse where it
is very toxic it is destroying your mental health and the person apologizes
and they say they're gonna try to do better the reason why I try to really
drill this home with people is when the other person says that what does trying
look like what does trying mean okay because most of us we have this false
belief that we have this willpower to just control our emotions but if you're
not practicing taking care of your emotions that trying doesn't mean squat
alright those of you new around here I like to pull a comic from the last video
share it in this video discuss a little bit and then leave you something to
leave a comment on in this video so the comment from the last video are the
number one comment actually is from God I hope I don't butcher this name oz eat
Dewey sorry if I screwed up your name sound
like Jarvis Johnson anyways it says bro I was a heroin addict just a few months
back doing during cold turkey period your videos helped me a lot thanks I
appreciate you that is why I do this but I'm gonna tell you as well as anybody
else who watches my videos the same thing that my sponsor used to tell me I
used to thank my sponsor all the time and say dude you saved my life you saved
my life and he would remind me he's like nah man you're doing the work so - Taz
eat and anybody else out there just remember like if you are getting better
like I'm I'm only here to plant seeds right like I just want to encourage
people to go get help and start working on themselves you know what I mean but
in order to get better like we have to put in the work so to z
gratulations on your recovery like you have put in this work and that is
awesome okay but for this video down in the
comments below let me know if you have struggled with self-sabotage what you
did to overcome it or if you're still working on it if you can relate to
anything that we've talked about as far as relationships drop it down in the
comments let us know what you learn from this okay I want this to be a community
where we can learn from each other's experiences I'm just one dude sharing my
experience my thoughts my opinions all that but I want this to be a team group
effort alright anyways I forgot to mention if you need therapy if you have
insurance talk to your insurance provider see who's covered in your
network you could talk to your primary care doctor they might be able to refer
you to a therapist psychologists psychiatrists if you might need meds but
lastly I personally use better help online therapy if you would like to
check it out it is affordable online therapy which I personally use I have an
amazing therapist and they actually help support the channel so there was an
affiliate link down below basically what that means is that you get affordable
online therapy with an amazing therapist and a little bit of it comes back to
help support the channel alright anyways that's all I got for this video if you
like this video please give it a thumbs up if you do make sure you subscribe and
bring that notification bell because I will be making a few more love is blind
videos alright and I want to send out a huge thank you to everybody who supports
the channel over on patreon as well as everybody who buys my mental health
books at the rewire toll DICOM and everybody who supports the channel by
buying the merch you're all awesome alright thanks again for watching I'll
see you next time