Whoa!
Do you float?
I feel like you're saying “floating”
but you're trying to trick me into doing this.
Yeah, do you, can you...
Hi, it's me Trixie Mattel.
And I'm Katya.
And we are two queens who like to watch.
And today we're watching
a brand new Netflix original series, starring Hilary Swank,
- Away. - Away.
I love Hilary Swank.
Too good for Hollywood,
that's what she is.
Absolutely.
Would you go into outer space, mama?
Oh my God.
You know, I've never thought about it
and it should go to people who think about it a lot.
Okay, space fans.
Sandra Bullock even got to do it.
George Cloonsey.
Bruce Willis.
Brad Pitt, Ben Affleck.
I recently saw Ben Affleck's penis.
Wow.
Spoilers ahead.
If you've never seen our show before,
we're gonna talk intimate details and show clips,
so please be careful.
Why don't we, as a society,
try to figure out the problems on the ground,
before we go traipsing off into the galaxy?
Just a thought, just a thought, maybe it's simplistic, but...
Girl, the human race is, like,
"Well now that we (bleep) this rock up completely,
what you got going over there good?"
Yeah, "What you got there good?" On planet red.
This could be about Hilary Swank sitting in a room
doing nothing and I would watch it,
so I'm already sold.
Swank stains her deck over the summer.
Tickets, got the tickets, sis.
Roll the tape.
Isn't this fancy?
- Who did this? - I have a question.
If you've trained to be an astronaut,
do you say, "I'm an astronaut,"
or is it like, "Girl, until you left the planet,
you're not an astronaut."
Oh, that's a great question.
It's like, are you a YouTube queen,
or are you a queen who's hitting the beat
and doing the numbers, you know?
Yeah.
Until you've literally been pissed on at a gay club,
in a wig, you're not a drag queen.
- You're not a drag queen. - Not to me.
Is there really a 50/50 chance you'll die?
"Actually, it's 90/10."
I'm not gonna let anything happen to your mom, sweetie.
Girl...
Making promises you can't keep,
- making promises you can't keep. - How? You ain't gonna be there.
There is always a chance that-
"Your momma's gon' die up there, honey."
I love Hilary Swank, she's iconic,
but even if she wasn't, she could just be a supermodel.
Oh, phone in the bed, that's bad.
Really?
Yes, no phone in the bed.
Of everything you've done in your life,
I love that phone in the bed is where you draw the line.
I got you a present.
"It's an everlasting gobstopper."
It's a necklace that says, "RIP Mommy."
Oh my God!
You are awful.
"It says, 'My mommy died in space
and that's cool.'"
And the string is me making my way back to you.
Dying on the operating table is one thing,
dying in space, just picturing your mom's crystalized body
floating through space, like...
That's cool.
Yeah, I mean, that's a whole 'nother journey.
Not the piano.
What can't he do, huh?
- Would you (bleep) him? - Absolutely,
longtime lover of Josh Charles.
She's gonna continue to hear things from other people.
Can you tweet from space?
Is that stupid?
Well satellites, you know, bouncing.
They do video calls, right?
There's some kinda communication.
And then you could video call, tell someone,
"Hey, update my Twitter status."
Absolutely.
I knew it the first moment I saw you in that T-38.
You were fangs out all the way.
- God, he is beautiful. - He's great.
- Hot people stay hot. - Not true.
Ugly people get uglier and hot people stay hot.
Not true, not true.
It was my birthday this week.
I was like, "31."
People are like, "How do you feel about getting older?"
I'm like, "I've looked 50 for a very long time."
So 31 is nothing to me.
(bleep), I'm getting the AARP card, sis.
Question, if they were, like, saying,
"Hey, to save resources,
we're going to send 50% of the planet to..."
- Jupiter. - Would you go?
- No, I'd stay. - I wouldn't go.
I'd chain myself to a bridge.
And let's be honest, the people going to space
- are often white. - White and billionaire-ish.
And we've seen what white people do when they show up somewhere
they've never been.
They tear it up and act a fool.
They go, "All right, I'm gonna kill everyone
and start over."
Yeah.
The people on the red planet are over there
playing badminton or whatever,
then the astronauts are gonna show up and go,
"No, no, no, no, no, no, no."
"Ooh, see, you're alive and we don't..."
"I'm gonna have to nip that in the bud."
Mom, they said he had a stroke.
Mom, you're not still going, are you?
- Girl, (bleep) that kid. - Who's that kid?
I don't know her.
- Mom, I need you here. - Oh!
I wanna be there, I wanna be there more than anything,
but I can't be right now.
She's now facing the possibility
of both parents being gone.
- But then, freedom. - Woo!
Woo!
House party!
Hold on a sec.
"WAP" starts playing.
I almost said the exact same thing!
I almost said the exact same thing.
"Going outer space for this wet and gushy."
Mom, they're taking dad now.
"To the cemetery."
So here, Hilary has decided to stay
and not go to space.
Honey, is something wrong?
- Dad, what is it? - "You're kneeling on my leg."
"My catheter."
He can only whisper, so this is dad, not me.
- "Go to space." - "He says, 'Come home, bye.'"
He said he needs you to do your job.
Children come and go, but outer space...
I don't care if your whole family was murdered,
you get on that rocket ship.
It's not your decision.
There are some things where, like,
you have to just go along with it
and you can't just let everything stop everything.
Nobody's getting any better
by just sitting around a hospital bed.
Hello.
So this is the T, this is further into another episode.
We have a Chinese astronaut who is out with a girl named Mei
and she has a thing for her, so lesbian stuff!
Oh, is this is an English learning exercise, karaoke?
That's fierce.
That's how I learned Russian.
Which is why you can only talk about things like breakups,
- your body... - Super dramatic, yeah.
- You cheated on me, I'm going to the club. - Yeah.
So we're gonna learn English.
"This is called 'Boys Don't Cry.'"
What's your ultimate karaoke song?
I don't like karaoke.
Never done it a day in my life, never will.
I hate it, I hate it!
There's two things I hate.
I hate listening to people who can't sing,
and I hate listening to people who can sing at karaoke.
I would rather listen to someone
be (bleep) boot nasty awful, than someone who's like,
"You guys, I don't even know all the words."
- ♪ If I... ♪ - ♪ Ahh! ♪
- Yeah, yeah, yeah. - Like, this isn't your moment, Mary.
We get it.
It's honestly only one step up from
white guy with a guitar
and that's coming from a white guy with a guitar.
"Oh, you guys want me to play a song?"
If I was hosting a party and you showed up with a guitar,
I would slam the door in your face.
I know.
Are they flying?
Misha, I need you to help me with something.
She learned English.
I was wondering if my channel could be re-engineered,
- so it's private. - Why do you need that?
"I need to Postmates some weed."
There's someone...
I know exactly who you wish to speak to privately.
How?
"I found the softball."
"I saw the Home Depot credit line."
"I saw the Melissa Etheridge Yes I Am...CD."
Can lesbians fly?
It was you, wasn't it?
I'm sorry?
That's how you have a fight with people.
"Did you tell on me?"
Okay, tell me what the hell's going on.
Jack let it slip that Lu and Mei
had an intimate relationship.
Y'all love to talk, talk, talk.
Not to mention, mama, this is close quarters.
They're all in the same room, trying to take a (bleep)
and the (bleep) floating across the room, you know?
Keep it to yourself, Mary.
You will never receive an unwanted look or word
from the crew again.
"'Cause I've murdered them all."
Okay, so we've got a flashback going on,
where Mei puts the moves on Lu.
She does want it, she's so conflicted.
One of the most horrible things
you could probably experience as a gay person in the closet,
is the whole...
- The rebuff, the recoil. - Rejected, yes.
Or the straight boy thing.
Turn the light off and you can jerk me off?
No, they do the hookup thing and then afterward,
they literally avoid you forever.
Oh yeah, or once they cum, they grab a butcher knife
and they chase you down the street with it.
- Yeah. - Yeah, there's a lot.
Oh God.
- Oh God! - Girl, (bleep) your country.
You are a lesbian, that is your country.
Okay, I think I’m going to go to bed.
Oh look, the dad's doing a little better.
- I'm so happy to be home. - Okay.
(bleep), you know how few people
have two parents, be thankful.
"I have two parents and they're both educated and employed."
I don't wanna generalize, it's always the kids
who have great families who wanna act out and act a fool.
Thank you.
My home life was in such shambles, I was like,
"We're not drinking, we're doing homework, thank you,
because this, not the T."
I was 15, like, "Is anybody gonna do these dishes?"
- Did you ever sneak out? - Absolutely.
We used to sneak out, steal my mom's car
and go on death rides.
Wait I did know about the death rides.
You know, I never snuck out once.
Oh, we did all the time.
I never skipped school once.
Wait, I skipped the school once to watch
Under the Tuscan Sun, that's right.
Diane Lane stan forever!
By the way, it's a great strategy.
If your teachers are all 40 plus women and they say,
"Why'd you skip school?"
"I went to see Under the Tuscan Sun."
"You know what?
I forgive you."
"Oh, great film, it's fine, don't worry about it, honey."
Yeah.
So how long have you guys been friends?
Would you drive a truck?
I see you in a red truck.
Ooh, I would love to drive a truck, of course,
but you know my whole fantasy dream is to have this, like,
Hollywood lifestyle, my little condo, pink everything,
and then my B-side of my life is (bleep) kicker, truck driving,
- yes, that's my vibe. - Yeah.
- Are the bikes yours? - Yeah.
Your parents, they cool with that?
"If a life on wheels is dangerous,
I guess we have a different conversation to talk about."
She knew I needed an outlet.
I guess she figured riding is a pretty good one.
"You porkin' my daughter?"
Well, my dad, a humvee, he was traveling and hit an IED.
I didn't even know cars could have IUDs.
Cars can get pregnant?
So in this clip we have Emma, Hilary Swank,
listening to a message from her husband.
- Hey. - "Hey Trixie,
I know you're in outer space right now,
but I just wanted to say on behalf me and your boyfriend,
we hope you're feeling fierce and floating away.
Float back soon, love and kisses, Amanda."
Remember how much we used to love lying in bed
listening to the rain?
Close your eyes.
I could never be an actor because look at me, ready?
He'd be like, "Close your eyes."
Look at my eyes.
I can't even tell if they're open!
"The toilet's leaking on the second floor."
- Oh my God. - What?
What is it?
Emma's daughter's had an accident.
I saw it on Twitter.
Lex has been in a motorbike accident.
- Emma will wanna know. - No, this isn't, no,
no, sorry, next.
They should've never called and even given this information.
No (bleep)!
“We have no information,
but we know something bad has happened.”
You don't even acknowledge that one bit.
You mustn't tell her.
Lu is the only person who knows the T.
Trust me, Emma deserves to know.
To know what?
"What'd you say?"
As your commander,
I need to know anything that may impact this mission.
No, she doesn't.
Alexis was in a motor bike accident.
- Oh. - I shouldn't have come.
Pull it together, karate kid.
Boys don't cry, mama come on, come on.
I should be home!
Oh, she's flipping out, wiggin' out.
She's got space brain.
Straight people are the true gossips.
You're our second commander, you need to come in.
I just need to think.
I love dramatic exits while floating though.
Ah!
Yeah, love it.
Classic quarantine in space scenario,
everybody goes bananas.
It's called space brain.
We've been in quarantine for six months
and I've had some dark thoughts, so I can't imagine.
What would you bring to keep your vibe?
Bitch, I would never go.
Three years in outer space to do, what?
Look at some red rock?
I mean, I'd definitely bring books.
I would pick some shit that I would always wanna read,
but would never, like, actually take the time to do it.
Bring The Constitution, bring The Bible.
These taste like soap.
That might be fake, sis.
Some of these are fake.
Are you eating a fake one?
Okay, so they're finally doing a spacewalk.
They got the umbilical cord and all that.
By the way, did you know with babies,
the umbilical cord is not a food tube, it's just blood,
- it's like a vein. - Ew, gross.
This is incredible.
They all look like little MTV Awards.
Imagine your whole life trying to be an astronaut
and you're (bleep) floating in space.
Probably not as cool as winning Drag Race,
but still pretty good.
I don't care how smart I would be,
I would just feel so scared
that I would just get snipped off and fly away.
And then what?
Well you're gonna piss and (bleep) yourself before you die,
then you're gonna be floating around in your own (bleep).
- No. - Yeah, starving,
starving, covered in (bleep).
You run outta oxygen, you just kind of...
- It looks so real, wow. - What are they doing?
Filling it up with gas?
- What is that? - Poop?
That's her stash.
Is this a foam party?
That's what my body looks like
- without padding on - Yeah.
and no corset.
Also, do people be (bleep) while floating?
Absolutely.
I mean, that's a once in a lifetime thing,
to (bleep) in space, girl.
Okay, they have finally landed on Mars.
Let's see what the aliens look like.
“Everybody see the alien, say yeah!”
Jesus Christ.
At least if you crash, it's gonna be...
You know?
You're not living.
Touchdown confirmed.
- Women in space, we love it. - We love to see it.
- You are on Mars, bitch. - "A little dry."
She looks up and the clouds just spell out, "Hey jush."
Wow, Away was great.
This show has everything, dirt bikes, secret lesbianism.
- Karaoke. - Wheelchairs.
- Gossip. - Lies.
- Floating. - Big floating energy.
Floating deception.
Yeah.
It's, of course, science and all that,
but it's also the psychology,
the experience of being away from everything.
No matter how far away you travel,
the real journey involves coming back to here.
- Within. - Yeah.
- Getting back to me. - Welcome home.
If you'd like to watch Away,
you can check it out on Netflix.
Also, Hilary Swank, DM me, jush.