Burnie: Oh, hey. You guys are both here?
Jack: Your email said you wanted to speak to us?
Burnie: Yeah, but not at the same time.
That's a minor detail though, right?
I mean... normally the kind of thing you'd pay attention to when your boss sends you an email, but...
not you guys, right?
Jack: Sorry, I guess we misunderstood.
Burnie: So, it seems you guys have both been with us about, what, six months now?
Brandon: Two years, actually.
Burnie: And it's standard policy that when you're here for six months, we convert you over from
independent contractors to salaried employees.
Jack: Okay, awesome.
Burnie: Names!
Which one of you guys is...
Brandon?
Brandon: Um... me.
Burnie: Let me ask you a question:
do you think your name, "Bran-gee," sounds a lot like my name, "Burnie?"
Brandon: No, actually, I don't.
Burnie: Here's what we're gonna do, Burnie.
I'm just gonna write down your first name as Milton.
Brandon: No, no, I don't want to be Milton
Burnie: And you. Your given name is Jack, right?
You know, I have a son named Jack.
Jack: Oh, yeah? Hope that isn't confusing.
Burnie: I don't see why that would get confusing, especially once we change your first name to Farnsworth.
Jack: No.
Why?
Burnie: Why? Because I have a son named Jack, weren't you listening? I just said that.
I'm not gonna name him something like Farnsworth, that's a stupid name.
It's almost as bad as Milton.
Brandon: How about we just choose our own names?
Burnie: Probably should've mentioned that before I wrote it down, Milton.
Brandon: You didn't write it down, you just put a big M! With a big line next to it!
Burnie: Yeah, it's...permanent marker,
So--we're kinda locked in.
Okay, healthcare. Now:
the medical questionnaire can be a little private, and kinda personal.
But, I figure since you guys came into the conference room at the same time, you probably don't have any secrets to hide from one another, right?
So, let's just take her from the top.
Does either of you have a sexually transmitted disease? Gross!
Jack: Absolutely not.
Brandon: I don't know if one of us should leave the room while we talk about this stuff?
Burnie: What do you have?
Does it rhyme with "gerpes"?
Brandon: No, I, I don't- I don't have anything- I'm just saying we shouldn't have a big audience while we're talking about the healthcare stuff.
Jack: Yeah, he's definitely got something.
Burnie: That's okay, brother, we'll keep it on the down low for you.
Just tell me: does it rhyme with "gronic gyphilis"?
Brandon: I don't have an STD, okay? I'm just saying- wait, what are you writing- don't write that down!
Burnie: Okay, I'll tell you what, this is not really getting us anywhere. Let's try this.
Without naming any specific diseases that you have, or any gross body parts, can you tell me,
have either one of you ever had post-nasal drip...
that didn't come out of your nasal; it came out of your post?
Brandon: No...
Jack: No.
Burnie: You don't seem so sure, I'm just gonna check "maybe."
Jack: There's a "maybe" box?
Burnie: And then I'm gonna cross out "maybe" and write down "probably."
Okay, and then for Mr. Farnsworth over here, I'm gonna put a big ol' yes next to excessive sweatiness. What is up with that?
Jack: Wait, what?
Burnie: Okay, and guys, I really wouldn't worry about what the healthcare premiums are gonna do to your paychecks.
Don't even give it a second thought.
Brandon: Because you guys are gonna pay for the healthcare.
Burnie: Pay for it, what are you, crazy?
That would cost the company a fortune!
I always say don't worry about it because there's nothing you can do about it.
Especially with your sexually-transmitted-whatever-it-is.
Jack: The glap.
Burnie: What does that rhyme with? Don't help me.
Brandon: Look dude, will you just get away? You're sweating all over me.
Burnie: I'll tell you what, why don't we make you guys superstars?
You can start sharing a chair!
I mean, you'll have to work out the lap rotation. With, you know, somebody on top or somebody on bottom,
which might be kind of difficult what with your sexually transmitted nastiness,
and your...
excessive sweatiness, which seems to be getting worse by the second.
Alright, sound good? You? You? Good? Happy? Happy? I'm happy. Alright, well, welcome aboard, guys.
No, I need- I need the chair. Thank you.
Alright, now, Friday is the day we like to clean out the refrigerator from all the old food, so
on Friday afternoons, I'm gonna want you guys to run a little taste test.
See what's rancid and what's not, okay?
Maybe on that day, light lunch. Alright, keep up the good work, guys.
Gus: Hey.
Burnie: Hey.
Gus: So did you man up and fire those guys, or what?
Burnie: Uh, not exactly.
Gus: You know, we can't afford to keep paying them.
Burnie: Yeah, no, I know, I know. But, uh, I have a feeling that everything is gonna work out just fine. Hey, is that empty?
Gus: Yeah.
Burnie: Let me see that. Take that.
Burnie: Oh hey fellas, one more thing I forgot.
I'm gonna need a urine sample from the both of you, for drug testing,
but I only have one cup, so you're gonna have to share, okay?
And also, I have to video tape it for insurance purposes, but...
don't worry, I'm pretty sure it won't end up on the Internet.
Jack: How do I import this?
Brandon: Uh, control-shift-Q-C?
Jack: Shut up, Milton.