- So it's a regular porn, you know.
Beginning to end, men, women.
You know what a porn is.
(audience laughs)
But the preview before-
There's a two-minute preview for a different porn before it.
And that- I don't know how else to say it,
but it's for a preview for a porn
where the people defecate on each other.
- [Audience Member] Yay!
(audience laughs)
- Security, can we- (audience laughs)
There's a monster in the room-
(audience laughs)
Other than you, everybody was very awkward
and then you just yelled.
And then everybody was even more awkward.
'Cause like I was 10, you know.
It was too early for me to see porn,
but it was definitely way too early for me to realize
that people like her existed, you know?
(audience laughs)
(upbeat music)
- One of these girls, your chick?
That's your girl right there? Nice.
Married? No.
- [Audience Member] Not yet.
- Not yet, but you already know you're going to.
Well, that's serious as hell.
(audience laughs)
How long you been together? - Six years.
- Six years!
How old are you? - 27.
- 27!
Don't get married to the chick you found when you were 21.
(audience laughs)
There's no chance of working out.
Dude, there's no way.
Were you just crushing puss at 15 or something?
(audience laughs)
Good for you.
You didn't do it, dude.
Good for you.
Kids, the whole thing you want, right?
Don't do that.
(audience laughs)
I did that 13 years ago.
It is quite a price...
(audience laughs)
for some sweet, sweet pussy, dude.
That is quite a price.
What kind of kids you want?
Boys? girls?
You don't give a shit as long as they're healthy.
Right? - Yes.
- Lies.
(audience laughs)
You want a boy so bad.
I only have a girl and I want a boy.
I don't even want anymore kids.
I just wish she was a boy.
- Oh, my god.
I have to pee.
(audience laughs)
I have to pee.
I just went.
You said you have to pee, too.
I mean, don't go now, but...
One at a time.
(audience laughs)
How long has it been since you went?
- [Audience Member] A long time.
- How long, no bra?
- Four hours. - Four hours?
- [Audience Member] No, four margaritas.
Four large margaritas away.
- Four large margaritas... - Away... from me.
- Away?
I don't know what that means.
So you're-
So you're gonna have four large margaritas after this?
- [Audience Member] No, she had four large margaritas
and now she has a pee.
- Oh, okay. You should go.
- [Audience Member] Eight margaritas.
- You had eight margaritas?
Oh, you each have four?
Will you let these lesbians pee, Comedy Central?
(audience laughs)
This is homophobic.
(audience laughs)
You said-
(audience member shouts indistinctly)
- How do I know you're lesbians?
(audience laughs)
'Cause I want you to go down on me.
(audience laughs)
(Amy laughs)
I feel like I'm being so unprofessional right now.
(audience laughs)
- I'll tell you another-
More about myself.
I was raised Muslim.
- [Audience Member] Woo!
- Oh, really?
(audience laughs)
That has never happened before.
I was raised Muslim.
Woo!
Alright, we're not all doing that?
Just me?
Woo!
My shoe hurt.
(audience laughs)
Woo-hoo!
Who did woo?
Who was it?
Oh...
Are you from Pakistan?
We would've fucking noticed you.
(audience laughs)
Oh, your friend is.
Hi, you're from Pakistan?
What's your name?
Huer? Story checks out.
(audience laughs)
That is a deep OG name.
That's not, "I'm Apu, I'm an asshole."
No.
Huer, it means angel.
And I'm sure with that name here,
you get called something else.
(audience laughs)
Yep, I'm sure it is.
Huer, no, Huer.
Whatever... whore.
(audience laughs)
It means angel.
Yeah.
You're from Karachi?
Sh- Do we know each other?
(audience laughs)
No? - It's a big city.
- It is a big city.
I know.
These guys are like, "Oh, they must be neighbors."
(audience laughs)
In my head, you guys are so racist.
(audience laughs)
When did you move here, Huer?
(audience laughs)
Three years ago.
How's Karachi doing?
- [Huer] Same as ever.
- Same as ever.
Mostly on fire.
(audience laughs)
That's so funny.
Like three years ago you were like, I'm gonna go to America
and everyone will be okay.
It's so nice and kind.
My name is Huer.
Whore.
All right.
(audience laughs)
Maybe I've made a huge mistake.
- Wow, so nice.
(audience applauds)
I can do accurately any accent
from any city, any region in the whole world.
The United States, any state, any suburb of any city.
And that goes for all around the world.
I'm an expert at it.
So if everyone shouts at once, it might be difficult
but maybe I'll have people line up here.
And just tell me where you're from.
Tell me where you're from
and I could do an accent, an accurate accent.
I guarantee it, from that place.
- Calabasas California.
A lot of California.
(audience laughs)
The key to California is you've gotta pronounce
all of the consonants and vowels.
California's...
They just rest on every-
every part of the word.
Now in Los Angeles, it's a little here-
there's a little bit of Latino that goes on here, but...
but that's Calabasas.
Okay, next person.
Anywhere around the world. - North Carolina.
- North Carolina.
North... around...?
Do you mean Durham? Durham?
It's like a- it's really nice.
It's one of my favorite accents.
It's a very-
It almost touches upon the southern accent
and then just bounces back again.
You just gotta think North- North Carolina.
Where South Carolina's got more volume.
(audience laughs)
South is here.
Myrtle Beach.
There's a bounce.
It bounces.
But North's got kind of-
it kind of jumps up from there.
Yes.
Next. - Round Top, Texas.
- Where? - Round Top Texas.
- Round Top, Texas.
That's kind of-
It's almost like, you know something.
(audience laughs)
You know something, which I like.
I like that.
- [Audience Member] Honduras.
- Okay, Honduras.
Have you been to Honduras?
It's the strangest-
It's almost like they're hiding.
Honduras (speaks in foreign language).
(audience laughs)
Porque.
(speaks in foreign language)
- I need the perfect Instagram clip.
So I need you guys' help.
First thing we need is for the camera guy.
Are you- You're in the wide?
Can you frame me with enough headroom
so I can put an embarrassing meme-like title above me?
It has nothing to do with the jokes.
It's just like, "Dat moment
your mom makes your ex be homework."
(audience laughs)
And then we'll put two very low-res emojis above me.
You couldn't get the rights to this face, so...
And then we'll leave some room
for some embarrassing subtitles.
Because you know, nothing's funnier than reading a joke.
I'm not laughing.
What's wrong?
Oh wait, okay.
Yeah, "Dat moment the pussy slaps."
Okay, I'm laughing now.
(audience laughs)
And then I need-
The joke itself needs to be like very broad.
Something that anyone could come up with
like vegans suck or gluten-free people.
And the visuals of the joke,
it needs to stand out on your scroll.
So I'm gonna be very physical,
so don't be thrown by the fact that
the visuals will have nothing to do with the joke itself.
Okay?
And the last thing I need from you guys
and are you on there?
Does anyone have a camera facing this way?
Last thing I need from you guys is-
From the dawn of time,
Comedy Central will always do this one thing
where they'll cut to someone
who's really enjoying the set, right?
On the level of just like Tom Cruise
I have all the Adderall and money in the world,
and the person right next to them is this guy
who's actually sleeping right here.
(audience laughs)
And it's like, why?
You guys are here.
Why did you cut to this guy who's actually sleeping?
No, no, no, no.
You go back to sleep, go back to sleep.
I need you, I need you.
No, I need you.
Shhh.
It feels very weird.
But you need to go back to sleep.
So you go back to sleep,
you guys are killing it.
So the punchline will be...
The punchline will be, let's see...
That's like swallowing the needles.
So when you hear "that's like swallowing the needles,"
you go crazy,
you go back to sleep.
(audience laughs)
Okay, so remember physicality
not gonna match the joke itself.
What happened to gluten in this country, folks?
(bleep) gluten.
Oh my god, folks.
(audience laughs)
Gluten is by no means a poison or a toxin.
All it is, is it's a protein,
and it holds foods together.
So what you have to do when you bake gluten-free
is you have to add more sugar and more fat.
So you're not actually being healthy.
You're not.
All you're doing-
(audience laughs)
is you're taking out two seemingly bad ingredients
and you're adding two even worse ingredients.
It's basically like saying, "Oh, I'm healthy now.
I don't shoot up heroin, now I just swallow the needles."
(audience laughs)
Thank you, please subscribe.
(audience applauds)
- We could take some of that anger
and we could use it for some wellness checks-
- [Audience] Woo!
- For the people who hang rubber testicles
from the backs of their trucks.
(audience cheers)
Now, nothing aggressive.
Just like a little wellness check.
You know what I mean?
Just like a-
Just like a show-
Just a little, just a little-
(microphone thumps)
(audience laughs)
Hey, what's up dude?
How's it going?
Have you eaten in a while?
I don't-
Okay, I just-
Hey, I was just concerned about you, you know.
'Cause I noticed that you...
put some balls...
(audience laughs)
on your Kia.
And so I just...
(audience laughs)
wanted to see how you were do-
Question, is the car the dick?
Because the proportions are...
(audience laughs)
like very, very off.
You know what I mean?
(audience laughs)
- [Audience Member] That's crazy.
- What? - Yo, I said that's crazy.
Like, I didn't really think about the balls.
- Right.
(audience laughs)
- That's crazy. - It is!
This is what I'm saying to you.
(audience member shouts indistinctly)
- It's so much dick.
It's so much dick.
It's like 60 feet.
That's right.
And then the balls are like six inches.
- [Audience Member] Tiny balls for a big dick.
- Tiny balls for a big dick.
That's right.
Why would you be bragging about that?
It's so much.
Even with the Kia, it's so wide of a car.
- [Audience Member] That's a big-ass dick.
- That's a big dick.
That's right.
I'm worried about people.
- I'm trying to be better though.
I'm gonna vote too.
You know, I really am.
I really am.
And I didn't vote for a long time.
I didn't vote till 2020, you know?
- [Audience Member] Boo!
- Well, you know I'm triggered, great person-lady.
(audience laughs)
You look like you voted for Mike Pence directly.
(bleep) you.
(audience laughs)
Not on my night, bitch.
Not on my night.
- Here's the thing, even if you are hip-hop rich
like you have to take a Segway to get from your dining room
to your basketball court.
You're still nowhere near as rich as real rich people.
You know, like the people who ruined the ocean.
(audience laughs)
Oh, so sorry about that oil spill.
Let me write you a check.
What should I put in the memo line?
I'll just put "oopsie."
(audience laughs)
(audience applauds and cheers)
Why don't those people start rapping?
Actually, can I get a beat?
Can anyone beat box?
Anyone?
(audience laughs)
I need a beat boxer.
Are you sir?
Oh, how about him?
You, sir.
Can you beat box?
Come on, come on, come on.
We need somebody.
It's a TV taping.
(audience laughs)
Come on, come on, come on.
(audience applauds)
Come on.
(audience applauds)
You're gonna be great.
Okay.
Be careful.
I don't want you to fall.
No, you don't-
Okay.
All right, come here.
What's your name, sir?
- Freddy.
- Freddy. Use the mic, Freddy.
- Freddy.
- Do you know how to beat box?
- I'm not sure.
- Use the mic, Freddy.
- I'm not sure, I'm not sure.
(audience laughs)
- All right, gimme a beat, try it out.
This is gonna be my rich person rap.
Gimme a beat.
I needed something to dance to.
(Freddy beat boxes)
(audience laughs and applauds)
All right.
Hey, don't stand so close.
Just back up a little bit.
(audience laughs)
Okay, gimme a beat.
(Freddy beat boxes)
Okay.
(Freddy continues beat boxing)
This goes out to my attorney Morris.
♪ My hedge fund's expanding ♪
♪ My private jet's landing ♪
♪ I'm going to the vineyard with my man-servant Channing ♪
♪ I won another lawsuit ♪
♪ It makes me quite happy ♪
♪ Think I'll go to the beach house ♪
♪ And take a little nappy ♪
♪ I'm rich, y'all ♪
♪ White rich, y'all ♪
♪ Like my oil tanker ruined the ocean, y'all ♪
♪ Like I use stem cells as lotion, y'all ♪
♪ I'm rich ♪
♪ White rich ♪
♪ I start wars as a hobby ♪
♪ My limo has a lobby ♪
♪ My cousin paid to kill ♪
♪ That dumb Kennedy, Bobby ♪
♪ Yeah, I'm rich ♪
♪ White rich ♪
♪ I love being rich ♪
♪ I never- ♪
(Freddy continues beat boxing)
♪ I love being rich ♪
♪ I never wait my turn ♪
♪ And if you don't do what I say ♪
♪ I'll put my (bleep) on your sideburns ♪
Yeah.
Let's give Freddy, everybody.
(audience cheers)
Okay, come on.
Let's give it up.
(Natasha beat boxes)
Let's give it up for Freddy.
Get that mic away from him.
(audience applauds)
We'll make some diamonds later, darling.
(upbeat music)