- Hello, hello Frank Walker National Tiles.
Hi my name's Christian and I'm 32 years old
and I have a phobia of balloons.
The phobia stems back to when I was a child,
probably because balloons are the first thing to
teach you about trust and distrust.
'Cause as a kid you'll just be holding a balloon
and then you sort of open your hand and
watch the balloon disappear.
I mean that's the delicate way of putting it,
the other option is you're holding the balloon and
it bursts in your face,
scares the living shit out of you and you cry.
It's a great metaphor for life 'cause it teaches you,
maybe don't put all of your love and passion into
something because it's only going to let you down.
It's going to deflate, just like your soul.
I mean it is a handy lesson to learn in a delicate way
as a child because a balloon disappearing is like
preparing you for when your father's going to leave
and never come back because he hates you.
Or when the balloon bursts at you it's really just
preparing you for when your parents get a divorce
and it's really bitter and angry and
you've been tossed between two homes.
So balloons are just a way to prepare children for the
inevitable demise of their parents' relationship
that has been brought on because they exist.
Because I've been so open about my phobia of balloons,
I got sent some products.
Some balloon products.
'Cause why?
I don't know, I don't want them.
I hate balloons.
Except these are self-inflating balloons.
Oh that sounds fun and also terrifying as well.
So I thought, why not try them?
And if I like them, anyone can like them.
I hate balloons so much I think they're a waste of space.
Aren't streamers and confetti enough for a birthday.
Wack-A-Pack, so the instructions basically say
you get one of these packets out
and then you bang it
and then swoosh it should inflate.
Smack the pack poof.
It says Poof on it.
That's really offensive to my people.
You could call it Bang-A-Poof!
Why does my mind always go straight to the gutter?
Step one, smack the pack.
Step two, watch and wait.
And then step three see the surprise.
Oooh
Okay so let's do this.
Now can we see, okay
Ahhh. (squealing) Oh my god.
Oh it's on the ground.
(balloon pops) (squealing)
Oh my god. That's not fun.
It's on the ground.
Is it still going?
Ah it's still going.
Oh it's going to explode.
No, no back in a minute I don't want to be in the room
I don't like them. These are awful.
I really don't want these.
Is it still going?
Oh my god it's still going.
I don't know,
no.
It's like I've activated a bomb.
I don't like it.
I think it's finished.
Oh my god this is the worst thing that's ever
been sent to me ever.
(groaning) That's it, it's only small.
Okay well that was a smashing success.
Wow what a great present to send someone who has a
fear of balloons.
Okay so I'm going to show you again and this time
I'll do a close-up of it.
Now I know what happens I'm prepared.
Is it doing it?
Nope.
(squealing)
(hysterical laughing) This is so,
(blabbering)
I can't look at it.
Oh, oh, oh my god, oh my god
it's not going to do it's thing.
Now I have a bomb in the house.
Oh my god it's not going to go off.
(grunting) Oh shit.
There we go. Oh my god.
So now you sort of, is it,
it sounds like there's a canister in it.
Okay and then that just...
Right well I wanna get this shot on camera
so we'll do one more.
This is a good one 'cause it's a Valentine's Day one so,
be my valentine and give me a bang.
(blabbering)
Oh god it's not going to do it's thing either.
The stress and anxiety is just so overwhelming.
(groaning) (grunting) Oh for the love of Christ.
(breathing heavy).
Just do it.
It's suppose to pop out of the bag.
Oh my god.
No I can't.
No, no, no, no.
No, I'm hiding behind the door over here.
Oh come on.
(grunting) Oh god.
But these things are just, I don't like that thing
near my face.
These things are,
oh it's cold.
Too scary for me.
If you're not a fan of balloons,
self-inflating balloons are quite possibly the worst
the worst thing you could ever receive as a gift.
So, back to the drawing board.
I wanna know what's inside them,
it's probably like a poisonous gas.
Oh it's a liquid.
It's some kind of liquid.
(gagging)