[ROCK MUSIC]
Hi.
Welcome to "Full Frontal."
I'm Samantha Bee.
Tonight, I'd like to talk about men,
if only to give them a short break
from talking about themselves.
Republicans are sounding the alarm because masculinity
is in danger.
And taking the lead on this non-issue is Tucker Carlson.
MAN 1: There's been a 50% decline in sperm counts
in the last 40 years, along with a precipitous decline
in testosterone production.
MAN 2: Hard times inevitably produce men who are tough,
men who are resourceful, men who are strong enough to survive.
Then they go on to re-establish order.
And so the cycle begins again.
[ORCHESTRAL MUSIC]
Do you think that's what an erection sounds like?
Man, you've got to love a documentary that
has the same energy as an ad for toilet
wipes for insecure dudes.
Tucker's new documentary apparently
claims that men are physically weaker than they used to be,
which translates to weaker political leadership.
Clearly, he hasn't seen Nancy Pelosi
doing reps at Gold's Gym.
She can bench press a McConnell and a half.
Yet that doesn't appear to be the most ridiculous
argument made in the film.
To what?
[ORCHESTRAL MUSIC]
If you want to optimize and take it to another level,
expose yourself to red light therapy--
TUCKER CARLSON: Yes.
--and the Joovv that we were using in the documentary.
There's a massive amount of--
TUCKER CARLSON: --which is testicle tanning.
It's testicle tanning.
Oh no.
Don't!
The left would hate it if conservatives
began sun-burning their balls.
Sam Bee said, don't sunburn your balls.
So it sure would own her if you did!
Well, Tucker frames this treatment as taint tanning.
It's actually just red light therapy.
Experts say there's very little evidence it works.
And one urologist said red light cannot penetrate the dartos
or the tunical albuginea, which I guess
is science for nutsack skin.
Either way, the treatment sounds a lot like anti-aging LED light
masks.
So at best, these dudes will have smooth, even-toned dongles
that are red carpet ready.
As weird as genital tanning sounds,
it's not surprising that Tucker Carlson
wants to irradiate your junk.
If you rearrange the letters in his name, it
even spells "Tan-Cocks Ruler."
No matter what you call it, though,
testicle tanning even left noted idiot Kid Rock at a loss.
Kid Rock, ladies and gentlemen.
So our-- our cameramen-- - Dude.
Dude, stop.
Testicle tanning!
Come on.
Why wouldn't open-minded people seek new solutions?
I don't know what the hell's going on in this world.
I'm not even sure if I understood that question.
But some days, I just want to stop this planet
and let me off.
Like--
You know you're on shaky ground when the voice of reason
is a man whose blood type is Red Bull.
Tucker's documentary is a continuation
of what he's been promoting on his show for years.
Men don't need help.
They're the patriarchy.
They're fine-- more than fine.
But are they fine?
Increasingly, boisterous masculinity
is systematically suppressed to make way
for a timid caretaker class.
Men feel that they can't be men.
Falling testosterone levels, which have completely reshaped
our society, and falling sperm counts,
which may make it impossible to continue the human race.
When men make less than women in their potential dating pool,
women tend to consider them less attractive marriage partners.
When men fail, all of us suffer.
Women, on average, are scoring higher on IQ tests
than men are.
First of all, solid self-own.
Second, who cares?
People who talk about their IQ scores are already the worst.
That's gender neutral.
But Tucker's obsession reflects a larger trend.
Right wing politicians claim masculinity
is under constant attack by our modern world.
Last year, JD Vance defended Kenosha shooter Kyle
Rittenhouse after he killed two people, saying Rittenhouse was
just displaying manly virtue.
Meanwhile, North Carolina representative Madison Cawthorn
said at an event that society is trying
to de-masculate young men and urged mothers
to raise their sons to be monsters, after which his mom
stood up and yelled, done.
I did it.
But the most visible politician backing this nonsense
is Missouri Senator and consumptive
scarecrow Josh Hawley.
The left want to define traditional masculinity
as toxic.
As conservatives, we've got to call
them back to responsibility.
Spending your time on video games,
spending your time watching porn online while doing nothing
is not good for you, your family, or this country.
Fine, Josh.
So where should I watch my porn?
I haven't had a VCR for months!
Republicans are even framing the decline of masculinity
as a threat to national security.
We're seeing Democratic politicians
and these woke lefty bureaucrats and lefty media reporters
trying to destroy the American military,
trying to turn it into, frankly, a bunch of pansies.
And nobody knows the military better
than Ted Cruz, who bravely fought
in Normandy with a French waiter who
mixed up his order on vacation.
And it's not just conservative men defending masculinity.
It's also [AIR HORN HONKS] the ladies.
Frankly, the mass feminization of men
should trouble women the most.
When I hear these attacks on masculinity,
I hear the left equating masculine,
what it means to be masculine, with abusive or criminality.
I'm getting really sick and tired of men
in this country being demonized because
of the behavior of other men.
I think women like you and me-- we're like,
bring back the manly men.
Make men again.
Make men manly again.
WOMAN: When you try to make men more like women,
you don't get less toxic masculinity.
You get more.
Why?
Because bad men don't become good when they stop being men.
They become good when they stop being bad.
What?
What the [BLEEP] does that even mean?
Next, she's going to say the only way
to stop a bad man not being good is with a good man
not being bad.
Also, guns probably fit in there somewhere.
One survey found that a majority of Republicans
agree that men are punished just for acting like men
and that society has become too soft and feminine.
Yes, because things were much more masculine back
in the day when men rode bicycles with the front wheel
bigger than the back one.
Politicians have been happy to use masculinity
as a cudgel for decades.
During the Nixon years, conservatives derided
long-haired hippie cowards.
And they'd spend the next half century attacking Democrats
for any traits that didn't align with total dick-swinging
manliness, from Jimmy Carter's gentle demeanor
to Hillary Clinton's criminal lack of a penis.
Worst of all, Republicans obsession
with desperate overcompensating masculinity
led us to this dipshit.
Republicans love Trump because this is what being a man
is to them.
Never admit a mistake.
Never apologize.
And never give a shit about anyone else.
Our current wave of manic panic reached new heights back
in 2017 when one study said sperm counts had
consistently and remarkably declined over the course
of a generation.
It sparked a "Newsweek" cover story asking, "who's
killing America's sperm?"
And more importantly, who's drawing their little chalk
sperm outlines?
The conclusions of that study turned out to be exaggerated.
The fears about declining masculinity
have had staying power.
They've even fueled a viable business model for meatheads
like Alex Jones and Joe Rogan.
Not only does Spotify pay Rogan approximately all the money
on the planet to rant about how straight white men are being
oppressed, he gets even more cash
shilling crap to help bros be bro-y-er,
from meat to fitness equipment to a penis attachment that will
split your stream in two to help you piss all over both sides
of the toilet at once.
Unfortunately, the idea of traditionally masculine men
is ingrained in white American culture and history.
MAN 3: What makes a man?
Once, the answers were easy.
To be a man meant overcoming nature and other men.
To be a man meant devoting your life to succeed
in a job or a profession.
To be a man meant putting women in their place,
whether in the kitchen, on a pedestal,
or between the sheets.
But only a true man's man could do all three at once.
Of course, this type of thinking benefits no one.
And research shows that toxic masculinity
is actually toxic for men.
MAN 4: The collected research found that, quote,
"traditional masculinity-- marked by stoicism,
competitiveness, dominance, and aggression-- is, on the whole,
harmful.
The report lays out some striking
mental and physical health disparities
between men and women.
Men are 3 and 1/2 times more likely to commit suicide.
And men die from heart disease and cancer
at rates 50% and 80% higher than women.
That's why the book "Real Men Don't Eat Quiche"
was quickly followed by "Real Men Die From Testosterone
and slash or Meaty Bowel Obstructions."
Toxic masculinity causes real damage to men's mental health.
And traditional masculine ideals may
also heighten the potential for young boys
to engage in violence.
Republicans' obsession with when men were men is irresponsible,
opportunistic, and it's a great way for them to play the victim
and pretend they're under attack when, as always,
they're [BLEEP]-ing not.
Turns out the real victim in all this is balls.
But hey, if Tucker Carlson wants to fry his,
I won't discourage him.
We'll be right back.
[DANCE MUSIC]
[ROCK MUSIC]