What's going on, everybody? Trevor Noah here.
Welcome to another episode
of The Daily Social Distancing Show.
It is now day 18 of staying at home
to prevent the spread of coronavirus.
And here's your quarantine tip of the day.
I know these have been helping you live your life.
If you crank up the thermostat high enough,
just turn the temperature way up,
and then look directly into a lightbulb,
it's basically like you're at the beach.
(clicks tongue) You're welcome.
Anyway, on tonight's episode:
Dr. Fauci gets a security detail,
we talk to Bill Gates about fighting coronavirus,
and America has moved on from toilet paper,
and now they're hoarding guns.
So, let's get into it.
Welcome to The Daily Social Distancing Show.
♪ ♪
ANNOUNCER: From Trevor's couch in New York City
to your couch somewhere in the world,
this is The Daily Social Distancing Show
with Trevor Noah.
♪ ♪
Let's kick it off with some good news.
Like everyone right now,
scientists around the world are no longer thinking
about anything other than the coronavirus.
In fact, many scientists have dropped
almost all other research and are only focusing
on cures and treatments for COVID-19.
Which I think is great, because I think scientists
were too busy working on random shit anyway.
You know, there's always that one random scientist
where you read a headline like...
We didn't need to know that, Mr. Scientist!
Who is even doing that experiment?
How did you even get money for this?
And scientists aren't just dropping other research.
They've decided that they're gonna be putting cooperation
ahead of competition.
And they're gonna share research immediately
rather than waiting, like they normally do,
for months to publish their results
and then get the credit for themselves.
Which makes perfect sense to me.
This is not the time to worry about credit.
Right? And trying to get credit for stopping coronavirus
is a waste of your time anyways.
We all know President Trump is gonna take the credit
no matter what happens, so you might as well just relax.
Be like, "Really, Trump? You did it?"
"You're damn straight." "How did you do it?"
"I put the thing in the thing and then boom, it disappeared."
And some of this research is coming from an unlikely source.
Yeah. One of the companies who has announced
a possible breakthrough in vaccine developments
is the cigarette giant British American Tobacco.
Yeah, those guys.
They claim that proteins extracted from tobacco plants
could lead to a cure for coronavirus.
And you know what? I'm not surprised.
They spent years destroying people's lungs--
of course they know what it's all about.
Coronavirus is basically their competition.
This is one of those...
"to catch a killer, you got to be the killer."
Like the Hannibal Lecter of coronavirus.
So scientists are teaming up,
tobacco companies are trying to do something good for a change.
But in not-so-good news,
there are now nearly one million coronavirus cases
around the globe.
The number keeps going up.
And here in the U.S., yesterday's death toll
was over a thousand.
The highest yet.
And those are not the only bad numbers.
A record 6.6 million Americans
filed for unemployment last week.
Yeah. 6.6 million people filed for unemployment.
And I know it can be hard
to wrap your mind around numbers like that,
but just look at this graph that came out
showing the spike in job losses.
You see that? Look at that spike.
You've never seen anything like it.
It looks like unemployment overdosed on Viagra,
and then got one of those four-hour boners,
where you have to call a doctor.
But... you call the doctor after the four hours.
Before that, you got to... you got to use what you got.
And that's not the only record being set right now.
Over the past month, 3.7 million people
have tried to buy guns.
Yeah. The highest number the FBI has ever recorded.
So during this pandemic,
the two things people in America want the most
are guns and toilet paper.
Which makes sense.
If I see someone carrying a gun, I shit myself.
I'll be honest with you, I don't know why stocking up on firearms
is gonna help you in the middle of a pandemic.
If you want to protect yourself from outsiders,
you don't need a gun, people.
Think out of the box.
You just need a recording of someone coughing on a loop.
Yeah. You just play that in your house all night.
Someone comes in the window. (coughing)
"Nah, I'm not messing with this house."
Now, there is one person out there
who actually does need more protection right now:
Dr. Anthony Fauci.
The man whose calm leadership during this crisis
has won him the respect of all intelligent people
and President Trump.
And according to reports,
Dr. Fauci has now been assigned a security detail
because of threats that are being made against him,
which is insane.
Why would you threaten Dr. Fauci?!
And authorities aren't sure
where the threats are coming from,
but police have released a sketch of a potential suspect.
And I don't know who it is, because of the glasses,
but that face looks familiar.
Now, unfortunately, getting threats is fairly standard
for anyone in the public eye.
But what's not standard...
is that Dr. Fauci is also receiving lots of, quote,
"unwelcome communications
from fervent admirers."
Yeah. That's a nice way to say that your groupies are crazy.
And who would have thought one day we'd be living
in a world where the whole planet would be grounded
and an epidemiologist would be the hottest man on earth?
People are just like, "I got to get me some of that Fauci.
You know he's got the vaccine, girl."
He is the sexiest man on the... Who's sexier than Fauci?
No one's sexier. If People magazine
doesn't put him on the cover, they're wasting their lives.
Now, as the corona cases continue to grow,
more and more governors around America are announcing
their own belated stay-at-home orders
for their states.
They're staggering them out.
Yesterday, after weeks of resisting,
the governor of Florida, Ron DeSantis,
finally announced a lockdown for his state.
And he did it on April Fools Day.
So Florida's officially locked down,
which means Mickey Mouse and all of his friends
will have to work from home.
Which I think is perfect for Donald Duck.
That dude has never worn pants.
He was born for the teleconferencing life.
You think anybody's wearing pants?
Are you wearing pants? You wear pants in your...
I don't wear pants. I would stand up right now,
but you not ready.
I'm also not ready.
I didn't think about that before I started telling that joke.
But I'm not wearing pants, and I'm not ready.
Oh. Georgia's another place that instituted a stay-at-home ban.
The governor of Georgia, Brian Kemp,
declared a shelter-in-place order,
and he explained the r... the reason...
uh, he explained the reason that he didn't do it sooner
is because he just found out
that asymptomatic people can spread the virus.
Yes. That's what he says. He says he just found out
that people who don't show any symptoms
can also spread coronavirus.
He just found that out. Yeah.
And that's something that has been known, widely,
for months.
Yeah. How can a governor be so far behind the curve? Hmm?
A governor.
Well, I just picture him now, what, watching season three
of Westworld, like, "Guys, I'm starting to think that...
"some of these people might be robots.
"I don't know.
Something about them."
Before we go, we want to keep reminding you
that doctors and nurses out there need your help
to get the protective gear that they need.
So, please go to Thrive Global's First Responders First
and donate whatever you can
to get PPE to the people saving our lives right now.
And if you want to help in New York City specifically,
you can go to the New York Mayor's Fund Covid-19 Response,
and you can donate there.
Stay safe out there, wash your hands,
uh, watch Tiger King backwards
because then, it's an even crazier show.
And, uh, I'll see you again next week.