(wolf howls)
(intense, creepy music)
(evil laughter)
- [Voiceover] Evil shall feel the burn of
(suspenseful music)
the Flexorcist.
(loud, sloppy chewing)
- Tommy, what are you doing?
You can't eat all that food!
Stop it!
You should get out and exercise!
Tommy, it's just not healthy!
Ah, ah, ah, ahhhh!
Ahhhhhhhhhh!
(door slams)
(doorbell rings)
Oh, thank goodness you came.
They told me to expect an old priest
and a fit priest.
When's the fit priest getting here?
- Present and accounted for.
So many stairs. Whew! (laughs)
- Oh.
- This is Father Grapefruit
and I'm Father Grandpa Lemon,
but you can call me Papa G.
- Thank you for coming.
It's my boy Tommy. He's not well.
He lies in bed all day and says things
I don't understand.
- Ah these kids today, they got no ambition.
Just want to lay around all day napping.
Speaking of which,
(snores)
- Is, is he okay?
- Who Donny?
Yeah, sounds like normal adolescence, boy--
- No, I mean,
can you two help my son or not?
- Have no fear. I'm more than just a priest.
I'm a fully ordained Flexorcist.
For almost six weeks now.
- Wow. Well I didn't know the church still did that.
- Well the Church of CrossFit does.
- Well I heard that was a cult.
(scary growl)
- Huh?!
Oh sorry about that, but uh,
dreaming does make me a little gassy. (laughs)
- Oh that wasn't you. That was my son.
Please, please you have to help him. (whimpers)
(Papa G passes gas)
- Sorry! Sorry, fear also makes me gassy.
Should've mentioned that earlier.
Great googly moogly!
I can smell the presence of enormous evil.
- Meh, I bet little Tommy's only a little faker.
We'll just scare him straight and--
- Oh is that right Father Grapefruit?
- That voice. I'd know it anywhere.
- Oh that's great. You two already know each other.
Small world.
- Oh I know Grapefruit inside and out.
I've been tempting him his entire life.
- Beware Father Grandpa,
for we are in the presence of Jucifer.
The demonic Lord of Laziness.
- Oh sorry we were looking for some kid named Tommy.
So, see you later then.
- You're not going anywhere.
And neither am I.
Especially now that I've plumped up Tommy.
This guy is more comfy than a bean bag chair.
- Bad news chump,
'cause I only came here to chew bubblegum and flexorcise.
And guess what buddy?
I'm all out of bubblegum.
Squat thrust!
- The power of CrossFit compels you!
The power of CrossFit compels you!
(groans while vomiting)
- Ew. Is this pea soup?
- No, Shamrock Shake.
(burps)
And a little bit of Fresca.
- I stand by my ew.
- Well two can play that game mister.
(groans)
- You hit him with the Holy Vitamin Water.
Great thinking Grandpa Father.
I mean, Father Grandpa.
- Come on, can I not get a Papa G up in this mother?
Also, shouldn't he be writhing in pain right about now?
- Man, what a dick move.
Now my sheets are all, they're all squishy.
- You could always get up, get a little exercise.
- No, no it's fine. Totally cool.
I'll just pretend I'm in a broken waterbed.
- You know for the Lord of Laziness,
he's awfully tenacious.
What do you say we take five, huh?
- What's the matter Father Grapefruit?
Feeling unfit? (laughs maniacally)
- I'm fine! I just get low blood sugar.
- Get it together Father Grapefruit!
Only you can Flexorcise this demon.
- What? I thought we were a team.
- Oh team, huh? Now we're a team.
You always tell people I'm your spotter.
Whatever the heck that is.
- Ah! If there were only time for a snack.
Maybe a doughnut or some chocolate chip cookies.
- Come to us Father Grapefruit.
- We'll make everything better.
- You know you like that deep dish.
- Ooh, well maybe just a nibble.
Nope, nope.
I don't need you carbs. I'm in the prime of my life.
- Ha! Only prime you've ever known is prime rib.
- Ha ha ha ha!
Oh sorry.
He just hit that sweet spot
between funny and totally accurate.
(screaming and groaning)
Whoa!
- Hey, who are you guys?
What's happening?
And why is my bed all squishy?
- You did it Father Grapefruit!
The Flexorcism worked. You saved Tommy.
You, you --
(screams)
- Ah, must resist the carbs!
(punching and yelling)
- Oh, thank goodness! You saved my little Tommy.
Oh my little angel.
Oh, you --
Wait!
Who broke my window?
- That would be my friend.
Poor, chubby, and let's be honest,
not-so-bright, Father Grapefruit.
We will never forget his sacrifice.
May his sneakers rest in peace,
forever.
- [Father Grapefruit] Uhhh, a little help!
You guys know I'm not dead, right?
- Aww, you can almost hear him now,
calling out from the great beyond.
Go into the light, my son.
Go into the light.
- [Father Grapefruit] Just some broken bones.
(cries out as bones crunch)
Make that a lot of broken bones.
- Is that footsteps?
- Maybe, but why is that scary?
- Because we don't know anyone with feet!
- Okay it's the middle of the night and
some super freaky stuff is starting to happen.
You hear that?
Hello?
- Try playing Marco Polo with it.
Marco? Marco?
(laughing)
- [Voiceover] Knife.