Al Madrigal!
[cheers and applause]
- In 2002, I get this gig in East San Jose, California,
and you don't have to be familiar
with the San Francisco Bay area to know
that anything east, most cities, usually pretty shitty.
So... [laughter]
I go to the gig,
and it's 2,000 Mexicans in a GI hall.
Just packed-- it's like a big cafeteria.
And my wife looks at me, and she goes,
"Dude, you got to get the fuck out of here."
'Cause she's supportive like that.
And I say, "No, honey.
Have a little faith in me. I can handle myself."
Now, the reason my wife is concerned
is that the guy before me is doing his entire act in Spanish
and destroying.
Every single time he hits a big punch line,
little Mexican guys with gold-plated teeth--
They all have corn on a stick,
so they're fucking putting their corns in the air.
Crema is flying everywhere.
It's like "Cloudy with a Chance of Carnitas."
And I didn't know that the Mexican corn
was like the concert lighter for a Latino "Def Jam" show.
I was like, "Fuck. Aah!"
So now I got to go up there, and I ask myself,
I go, "Okay, I can do this.
What would Carlos Mencia do in this situation?"
That's one of the rare times
you want to ask yourself that question.
And I go, "I know.
I'm gonna go up there, and I'll do a little cheerleading."
So I go up onstage, and I go,
"What's up, East San Jose?
Make some noise!"
And they all made some noise, all right?
So I'm doing good.
So I say, "Where are all the white people at?
White people, make some noise! White people!"
Nothing.
Half of me is the only white guy there.
[laughter]
So I say, "Where are all the black people at?
Black people, make some noise! Black people!"
Nothing.
Where the hell were you guys? Could've fucking used you.
And then I say, "So it's all Latinos."
[imitates crowd roaring]
2,000 corns just up in the air
at the exact same time.
And I'll never forget--right where you are in the front,
this little guy goes, "East Side Latinos!"
And I said, "East Side Latinos?"
Even bigger roar.
Like we got--a bacon-wrapped hot dog went flying.
[laughter]
Then I proceeded to do my act,
just by saying "fuckers" and "bros" nonstop.
Just "fuckers" and "bros," "fuckers" and "bros."
And then humping for no reason whatsoever.
Didn't make any fucking sense.
If you're sitting near a Latino,
look how much they love this right now.
They can't get enough.
"What's up, fuckers?"
"I just had a new baby, fuckers, fuckers, bro, bro,
fuckers, fuckers."
Then I go to the next gig. It's a two-parter.
Next day, it's in Stockton, California.
This meth shithole in the middle of nowhere.
Industry has died.
It was like ground zero for the housing crisis, right?
Foreclosure signs everywhere.
People are angry all the time.
They're just pods with embryonic MMA fighters.
[laughter]
So I walk into the show, and I walk backstage.
You know the guy who was doing so well the night before?
You remember him? He's now crying.
He's got a tear running down his cheek.
And I go, "Ruben, what's wrong? How was your set?"
He goes, "Al, they threatened my life."
Now I got to go up there, and I already determined
I'm not gonna be this Latino Def Jam character that I'm not.
My parents sent me to French school in San Francisco.
I went to Ecole Notre Dame des Victoires, all right?
I used to wear a sailor suit to school every single day.
I rode the cable car with a dickey blowing in the wind.
Now I'm gonna be this Latino Def Jam character?
That's bullshit. I'm gonna be myself.
And that was a horrible idea.
Never be yourself. Change it up.
Fuck it. What do you got to lose?
So I go up onstage,
and I start to do this bit
about how my Spanish is horrible
and how you spot a half Mexican--
overuse of the word "poquito."
"Habla español?" "Un poquito."
"Salsa picante?" "Un poquito."
"Maricón?" "Un poquito."
[laughter]
And this guy stands up right in the middle,
right in the middle of the entire audience,
and stands up and has this "Braveheart" moment.
And he goes, "He doesn't speak Spanish!"
[growls]
[laughter]
And then starts violently flipping me off.
Not just like, "Hey, fuck you,"
but holding it, shaking.
[growls]
So he starts--he starts leading people in boos against me.
He's going, "He doesn't speak Spanish.
"Boo! Boo!
"He doesn't speak Spanish.
"Boo!
Boo!"
20 people are booing. 80 people are booing.
And finally, I broke down, which I tend to do.
I said, "Look, you guys,
"this isn't exactly a dream gig for me either.
"I'm stuck in Stockton, of all God-forsaken places,
"and the best part about it is I get to leave,
"and you people are stuck here
"for the rest of your miserable fucking lives.
"Now, I'm taking the money-- and I'm being paid handsomely--
"I'm gonna go blow it in Tracy outlet malls.
So fuck off."
And the guy stood back up and goes, "He's got money!"
Then I ended up jumping a fence like a salmon
while the black security guards laughed at me.
That's how that fucking turned out.
All right, thank you very much, everybody.
[cheers and applause]