- Handling sexual temptation in marriage.
- Now, usually, we keep things pretty light in this show.
But today, we're gonna address a very serious topic.
So make sure you stay until the very end.
(bouncy music)
Now, this topic came up because
a close friend of mine actually faced these issues,
and I think a lot of men and both women
face this issue as well.
It's not an issue that a lot of people talk about.
It's a little bit taboo, but it's a very common issue.
It's a very serious issue, when it
comes to relationship and marriage.
So, this friend of mine, he is pretty religious person,
but he's always talking to me about temptations
and people around him, and he's a reasonably successful guy,
and in his line of work, he meets new women all the time.
- And those women are usually pretty attractive.
So it's like, okay, how do you deal with temptations?
How do phase these, like, resist temptations, right?
So what's ever interesting is what I notice in my life,
that people who are very religious,
people who have this like moral ...
- Standard? Higher standard.
- Standard, claim moral standard.
They are usually the worst.
- Oh.
- They are the ones that cheated.
They are the one that's got divorced.
They're the one it just,
like, those stories I hear again and again.
I think chances are because they suppress, sometimes,
those emotions for so long, and then,
when it actually happens, like, I never--
- Rebellious, come out, right--
- Rebellious, I thought they are, the perfect couple,
and actually it's the man that slept
with multiple people in the church
or something like that, right?
It's that kind of thing, right?
So, for me, I think we need to understand
human psychology, start with the basics of
why we have these temptations,
and why we face these temptations,
and I think first, for men,
this is from a man's perspective.
- Okay.
- I wanna hear from your perspective.
But men, I think they said they were number one,
one scenario, is they flirt with woman,
they talk with woman,
sometimes not because necessarily
they wanna sleep with the woman.
They just wanna know, I still got it, right?
Especially as men get older,
They, it's like, I still got the charm,
remember when I was in my early 20s?
- Yes, yes, yes, yes.
- I'm the popular guy, and now in my 40s,
I still, I still got what it takes, right?
That I could get her phone number if I wanted to.
But I'm not gonna do that, but I could do that,
if I wanted to. They just wanna know that they still got it.
- This is no different than women,
say "Oh, when I was young, when I was 20 years old."
- Yeah, so many guys were chasing me.
- Yeah, everybody buy me a drink, right?
Yeah, there's no different.
- Well now they go to a pub and it's like
nobody buys them a drink.
- Yeah, yeah.
- Like what's what's wrong with this, right?
- It's the same.
- So, I think they, so number one the scenario is
they flirt because for validation.
- Validation.
- For validation.
- For fulfillment.
- For, no I think it's for entertainment.
- Entertainment, okay.
- Right, so to get--
- Fulfill their needs? Yeah, maybe.
- Fulfill their ego, a little bit ego. But the funny thing,
so it's kinda like I still got it, I still have
that status maybe.
- Charm
- The charm, the cool guy status. But the truth is,
if you actually got it, you don't need to do that.
If you actually got it.
- You don't need other people to give you validation.
- If you're truly secure, you don't need to do that.
Like, Jenny and I, she knows, I don't, we travel so much.
- Yes.
- That you wanna talk about temptations with what I do with
my quote unquote status and fame. If I want temptations,
there would not be a lack of temptations, and
I'm a human being, too, right?
I see a beautiful, attractive woman. Oh, wow, that's a--
- All the time.
- All the time. Like if, but you can see
I don't have that vibe. I don't give out that vibe.
Cause, I don't need to. Let me charm that lady, or woman
to validate say I am the man.
- Yeah.
- If I'm the man. Like a lion doesn't need to roar
to let you know it's a lion.
- Mmm, I like that. And most of the time, the king
of the lion literally just lie on the ground.
- They're quiet.
- Watching, observing, but not doing anything, right?
- Yeah, I don't need to like attack and kill you
to know that I am a lion. I don't need to do that, right?
So I think that's the number one.
Now second scenario is where they flirt, they--
- For benefit.
- For, actually for ben ... they
wanna sleep with that person, right?
So in this case, yeah, they actually have
the fantasy, they want to sleep with that person,
they wanna, yeah, they wanna have sex with that person.
So, that is different thing. That's a very different thing.
And if you do have that temptation, chances are
because you're not satisfied in your relationship, right?
- Sexually, yeah.
- Sexually, that you're not sexually active with
your partner, that you're, you're just not satisfied,
that you're not getting what you
need or want from your spouse.
- Yeah.
- And you need get it from some place else, right?
- Yes, yes.
- And that's why it goes back to the six human needs.
We've talked about this in the previous video.
Click on the icon and you watch that,
about the six basic human needs, and why
when you can fulfill those, at a high level, then
you don't need to look for someone or
some place to give you that, if you're truly satisfied.
If you're not as satisfying, that's why you're missing
a few of these basic human needs that we all need,
and you need someone else to fulfill it.
We have a couple who--
- Very good friends.
- For more than 10 years.
- For more than 10 years, just recently got divorced
because the man cheated on the wife.
The wife is a great wife. The man cheated
on the wife with another lady.
- With two different ladies, actually.
- With two different ladies actually,
two different ladies, and uh, they got divorced.
What's the story?
- I think the guy firstly is, he got laid off.
- He got laid off.
- Yeah, and then so, you know for a guy, got laid off
is very losing, like has no security at all.
So very insecure.
- Insecure.
- And then actually go to take some lessons to you know,
just for training for another career, and then met this lady
from another country. Of course, this lady was saying,
oh, like you've been living Canada for so long,
you know the places, you got some nice cars.
- So the new lady kind of looked up to him.
- Yes, yes.
- Even though he's not
- And she's young, and pretty.
- She's young, very young, pretty, yeah. Looked up to him.
- So you know, it happens very naturally, right?
So, suddenly he, this man got validation,
this worth, right. Oh, I guess cause
in front of my wife, I'm kind of like a loser, right?
- Yeah.
- Cause actually too, cause the wife is the one
that's making most of the money.
- Yes.
- And he's the one that's unemployed, got laid off,
and now suddenly this lady, young lady look up to him.
Oh maybe I am somebody. Think about it. Just think about it.
The man, at home, not getting respect,
not getting validation, not getting significance, right?
Really feels like a loser. Outside of home,
he gets significance, he gets attention.
He gets a younger lady looking up to him.
Think about that comparison. Suddenly, like
okay, I don't wanna be talking to my wife.
- It's kinda like a easy math, right?
- That's an easy calculation right there, right?
So actually then they got together,
and they broke up, right?
- Yeah, they broke up after, so the wife finds out,
of course very very sad--
- Upset, yeah.
- Upset, and then they, but then they still
trying to get over it. Trying to make
the marriage work again.
- They tried, they tried.
- They even tried to travel together,
see the counselor together. They did everything.
- They tried, they did everything.
- But, second time. This guy just cheated on her--
- Cheated again.
- With some lady--
- Like, with, with a like a close friend, kind of a
- Yeah.
- Yeah, with a close friend, and stories like,
they actually kind of travel together,
like a couple with a couple other friends,
and during the trip.
- Yeah.
- The man kinda slept with the lady. Like in the wife's--
- Right beside the wife's room.
- Room, right? That kinda thing. Yeah.
- It was really really chaotic, yeah.
- Yeah, it's not so good.
- And then finally, my girlfriend says,
you know what, I have to get out of this relationship.
- Yeah, it's not healthy.
- I cannot take it anymore, right?
- Yeah.
- So, but goes back to the man. So he just can't help
but just keep cheating on his wife.
- Yeah, and chances are, once he get bored,
he might cheat again.
- Yeah.
- Chances are, I'm guessing, I don't know, right.
And the third scenario is more that,
well woman has that too, but when
you are successful, when you are, have a little bit of fame,
right? It's now not just you are actively flirting.
- Or to a new environment.
- You'll get attention that is, you are actually these
are temptations are coming to you.
Maybe the line of work that you do,
maybe because you're a certain status.
- New environment, meeting some new people.
- Yeah, new people, right? And that's why
I face the same issue. Like, if I want to,
I mean, come on, right? But--
- Then the truth is I cannot stop it.
- Yeah.
- There's no way for me to control him, if he wants to.
- Yeah. So it's that kind of so it's
how do you handle these temptations? I think for us,
when your relationship is healthy, where we communicate.
And I also think about if I do that, right?
If I give in to my temptation, I sleep with somebody else,
what are the consequences? That okay, there's a chance
that I might lose Jenny. Then, if I lose Jenny,
well how would that impact in all areas of my life?
- You're gonna lose half of your money.
- Oh, that'd suck, it fucking sucks.
- (laughing)
- That is one expensive one-night stand, okay?
It cost millions of dollars. But logically,
that's what it is, right? You're thinking holy shit,
that's very fucking expensive.
- Yeah, just do it, just do it.
- You know, that 30 minute of joy,
fucking cost me so much money. But really,
you're like okay, you think twice.
But kidding aside, but also ...
How it would affect, okay, she left me,
we got a divorce. Then I go home.
- Gonna deal with all the problems afterwards.
- All the problem, go home by myself, living by myself,
wow. Like would that, was that worth that?
You would really think about it, right?
You're like no, I don't think so.
- Also, I have a suggestion for the people if
you are thinking about getting married.
You have to really ask yourself,
what kind of relationship you're looking for, or
what are you actually looking for from a marriage?
Let's say if you want always to make your love and passion
stay on the high point, you wanna feel the passion
from the other partner, you wanna feel
very fresh for your relationship,
maybe marriage is not your thing.
- Yeah.
Cause those thing will fade out.
- Doesn't matter how attractive she is---
- It doesn't really matter.
- It doesn't matter she is like--
- She can be a top movie star, doesn't really matter--
- Top model, it doesn't matter. After 10, 20 years,
it's the same, right?
- Exactly.
- So I think you gotta think of what you're looking,
and I think also people going back to first example,
how our friend is religious, and how faces temptations,
I think the way they met each other it's not exactly right.
- Yes.
- Like if it's an arranged kinda marriage, if it is a
a marriage where--
- Because you wanna get married, yeah.
- You wanna get married, cause at the time
the guy went well, you know, you're kinda single,
I'm kinda single.
- You wanna get married? Let's do it.
- Yeah, let's get married. I think both parties
needs to be physically attracted to each other,
there has to be that sexual--
- Sexually attracted, yeah.
- Attraction first, I think that's a good thing.
Then afterwards, you build a relationship, right.
- Yes.
- You build a foundation. But I think there
needs to be that initial physical attraction first.
- Exactly.
- If it's just arranged marriage, usually it doesn't
it doesn't really work. It doesn't really work.
- Yeah.
- So, I think that's what we're talking about.
It's not easy, it is something that I mean, as a human being
I think we all have to face, we all have to,
to deal with it, handle it. I deal with it day-by-day.
But I think, don't even give yourself
the chance to to--
- Play with fire?
- To play with fire, I think that's the best word.
You may think it doesn't hurt if I flirt a little bit,
it doesn't hurt if I kinda get a number,
it doesn't hurt if I text back and forth a few times,
it doesn't hurt if I have a cup of coffee,
that's where it starts, right? From that text,
from that coffee, right?--
- Also, I wanna mention. I don't know how often it is,
but I do heard there is open relationship in marriage.
- Yeah.
- So both parties, they can have their own fun.
- They can date other people.
- So, before you cheat on your other half, ask yourself
would you want to be treated the same way?
What if your wife or husband is doing the same thing to you,
would you like to be like that? Would you want
put yourself in that situation, right?
You wanna be treat equally.
- And maybe you are, and if it is,
you are, you both communicated--
- Yeah. Maybe have a talk with her or with him.
- You both are say okay with open relationship--
- Yeah.
- You know power to you, that's perfectly fine. As long as
you're happy, that's the most important thing.
- Exactly.
- But if you say you know what? I wanna open relationship
but she wants it closed relationship,
it's that communication, right?
All depends on what you want, but usually,
temptations are there, look within,
there's something, most of the time, I'm saying
9 out of 10, insecure. Something--
- And you're craving for significance.
- Significance. Because I can tell you, like
all these temptations, think about this and that,
like before we got married, with me, same thing, right?
I had these like short term relationship,
like very short time one-night stand.
- Or you just wanna pass your charm, right?
- Toss, like one-night stand. I had that, too.
But I can tell you, you had that. Afterwards,
really if you been through that, you're like it doesn't ...
- It's actually harder to find somebody you can trust
and you can live with.
- Yeah, you're like hmm, that's--
- One-night stand is easy, right?
- Yeah, just like hmm, right. It doesn't fulfill me
at a deep level as a human being. It's like, ugh, right,
what's the big deal? So, that's what I'm talking about.
So, if you're a little bit more mature mentally,
you will know. You guys, you know what I'm talking about,
right? Sometimes you have sex with that person, it's like
oh it's so good, I wanna have, oh she's so sexy.
Now they have sex like uh. Like all the satisfaction
like that's it like next day you don't even think about it.
That's really it. And then, course guess what,
you try to find the next person, you get next high again,
it's like drug.
- Yes.
- But you know that is not the answer.
You know that's not the answer. And you find other person,
try that again, still doesn't work.
It's like buying a car, right? We talk about,
okay you know what? If I buy that car, drive that Ferrari,
or drive the Lamborghini, that would make me the man.
You g et the car, month later, you get bored.
You get an XR, you get bored. You get an XR, you get bored.
And then you find out it has nothing to do with the car,
it has to do with you. It has to do with you.
So that's how you handle temptations in marriage.
It's deep. It's very very deep.
Comment below, let us know your story.
It's a very serious topic, it's not a topic
a lot of people talk about, it's a sensitive topic,
but it's a real issue. It's truly, people around us.
It's a very very serious issue.
- Very very common.
- And you've always facing temptations, going back
to the first case of my friend, if you always face
temptations, I can tell ya, his productivity
is not the best.
- Of course.
- Cause you're distracted, you're
thinking about these things.
- Yep.
- And you're thinking about oh
- Should I do, should I not do?
- Should I not do?
- Maybe just try, maybe don't try? Yeah.
- Or what if I hurt my family? What about my wife
all this, so how can you be focused,
how can you be like this.
- Exactly.
- You cannot, you cannot even manage your fucking emotions,
right? You cannot do that.
- Exactly.
- You gotta, as a man, you gotta be strong enough
to be able to manage your emotions. Then you can
manage everything else. I think people see that,
and that's why I think people, when they see
a man, a woman. They see a man who could, who could do that
this man gets respect from other men.
- Yes.
- Because other men can see, wow. That is not easy,
how does he do it? He's so mentally focused and strong.
That itself, makes you a leader. Just that,
nothing to do with the status. Has nothing to do
with how much money you have.
It is this. This, and they respect that.
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Make sure you check out the six basic human needs video
from the other episode. Cause we go much, much deeper
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Until next time. Remember, behind every successful man,
with a lot of temptations, there is a
- Smarter woman.
- That could cost you a lot of money.